Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Moving On

Shit happens!No matter how careful we are,someone somewhere,will cross our path in such a way that ugliness results.It could happen because our interests clash or because our personalities conflict.Maybe the other person has a grouse against us & he has chosen this moment to bring it out into the open.Or it is possible that there is a gap in communication & the two are working at cross purposes.Whatever be the reason;the result is the same--there is anger,a feeling of being victimized or not having been understood or having been humiliated on both sides.Naturally both think that they have been wronged,they were not at fault & their adversary has been inimical,mean or at best,cranky.

We all do what we think is right .In fact we always think that we are right.Therefore it is difficult to arrive at an objective appraisal.And it is mighty tough to gulp the aftermath of such a skirmish.We may expect the other person to apologize & abrade the event but the other person too,might be going through the same emotions.Chances are,that a decent closure will not happen.How can it,when both parties are waiting for their opponent to redress the wrong? 

The result is that there is anger & unpleasantness at both ends.It is futile to go into who is wrong,or who started it.This is best left to the judiciary.Let us presume that there is no initiative from either side to make amends.What do we do then?Do we allow this matter to gobble our happiness?Or should we forgive and look ahead?There can be no clear cut answers to this.If our opponent happens to be a close relation we may not like to forsake that tie for ever.It would not be pragmatic to do so too.If it is a friend or a colleague whom we cannot avoid,we could just skirt by him till our anger subsides.There is a third category--persons who have no active role in our lives at any level;it would hardly matter if we cut all connections with them.In such cases unfriending the person could be a viable option.In fact we might feel more relaxed if we did so.

When we pick either of the three options,we take a constructive step forward.It could delete all the unhappiness which has been rankling us.BUT & this is a crucial but--only if we refuse to go back to that situation again.If we persist in ruminating about it ad- infinitum then we are only sliding down the abyss of resentment & dejection.

If you find yourself in a similar situation ask yourself
*How is this helping me?
*I want to get even with him?
*If i do this will it assuage my hurt or will it prolong my suffering?
*If i fail to win the next round will it not aggravate my sense of failure & humiliation?
*Is there any way i can be certain of showing down my adversary?
*And suppose if i relinquish it as an unsavory one time incident, will i not be more at peace?
*What is more important for me--getting even with him or saving my serenity?

A very relevant quote i came across--
"Between stimulus and response there is a space.In that space is our power to choose our response.In our response lies our growth and our freedom."Viktor E. Frankl

I do hope the answers to these questions will point to the path forward.All of us are imperfect humans.Sometimes we too hurt others by our words,actions or even our silence.This may be willful or unintentional.We can give the same margin of error to the other person too.Thereby we will make our own life & the ambiance around us more tranquil & unruffled !!!!!

24 comments :

  1. Objective self appraisal is very important in all our dealings ---BUT at times the other pary misunderstands our efforts takes it for weakness and brings in his/her ego for this I think I should quote your last three line

    "We can give the same margin of error to the other person too.Thereby we will make our own life & the ambiance around us more tranquil & unruffled !!!!!"

    Thanks for this post

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes Rajni,objective self-appraisal is what helps us to grow &evolve.It is true that someone could construe our actions as signs of weakness but in the end how much weight should be given to such person's surmises?
    Thanks a lot for taking time to read n comment.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Very true, Indu. Sometimes just ignoring the aggravator is the best option and moving on is easier then. I agree with categorization and the third category -- persons who have no active role in our lives at any level. Just delete them and move forward. A true Jeete Raho article!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Zephyr,you are so very good for my morale!JEETERAHO!!!!!!

      Delete
  4. A very helpful article indeed! at times both parties feel they are right ( they may be right in their own place), so wait for the other party to amend the wrong which escalates the situation further. The self appraisal goes a long way in such situation. Very important to think what we expect from the other person and from ourselves. If the relationship is very close, it is only wise to try and get things resolved. It feels like you have taken off a burden from your heart. But any situation its important to put your point forward politely but firmly. Practising empathy goes a long way in de-tangling such situations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are bang on Meenakshi.Yes empathy is very enlightening at such times.

      Delete
  5. Introspection and a healthy attitude to resolving problems help. Sometimes building a distance may help with both the sides cooling down.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No doubt introspection clears the cobwebs.As you say creating a distance also often automatically resolves the tussle.So many times when i am infuriated about something ;giving it some time leads to a better outcome.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It sure would be a perfect world for all of us if objective self-appraisal and sincere effort from both the sides sorted out our issues.In case it doesnt,Time is a great healer.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hmmmmmmmm True what you say but then we are humans end of the day and that is what we precisely do , maybe in moment of anger or fit or rage .. as you said in the first line the first two words Shit happens..

    I totally agree that on the hind sight it may not be worth it to be sad or unhappy and if it is any helpful .. BUT when one is in that situation in that place then I doubt you even think of these questions..

    I could not and the moving on part is the best thing to have happened to me :) and What a releif.

    Yes its no use arguing over whose fault it is or why it happened because it does not matter , If One decieves you what ever reason they will do it again no matter what , SO its best to get out at the first time ..

    WE all have had our own experiences in life..

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for putting forward your views candidly.
      How we react to any occurrence,to a large extent depends upon our personality & past experience--both can be so varied in nature.Therefore our reactions too cover a large spectrum.

      Delete
  9. Wonderful article, Indu.
    None of us are perfect -- once in a while we do unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt someone's feelings. But, every sensible adult should be trained to swallow pride, apologize and ask for forgiveness.But, yes... there's always a correct time to work out problems.
    I value people and relationships more, so with age, I have made some healthy lifestyle changes. Today, even if I am not wrong, I approach the person and say," How about if we agree to disagree for now and pick up our debate later when we're both fresh?"---This would, at least keep the communication open!!
    It's easy to dump someone and move on. But, I would rather turn back the clock and recall the good times...it is not difficult to forgive.....better decide to be happy rather than right!!! That's my spirit!!!
    Life is unpredictable..so, one must be honest about emotions, and base relationship upon integrity rather than lies, controversies and deception:))

    ReplyDelete
  10. Your approach to sorting out differences is commendable--it would make the world a happy place.

    Yes it is very easy to dump a person & move on--this should be the exception rather than the rule.

    Sometimes it happens that one particular person is the source of anxiety to us.If we are not able to resolve our differences then i think it is better to cut connections with that person because our mental health should not be compromised with.

    Suppose i do not like xyz,i would rather create a distance from him,than continue to be pally;because as you so rightly said--honesty in a relationship is the very foundation of that tie.
    Do you think i am wrong in doing so?I would love to hear your views.

    ReplyDelete
  11. A very apt post in todays aggressive world. Im sure it will help a lot of people

    ReplyDelete
  12. Varsha welcome to jeeteraho.Thanks for your support.

    ReplyDelete
  13. True. Some people may have such contrasting personalities that just can not reconcile though neither of them may be bad as such. So best for the people to cut off. Relatives - yes. Can be a problem. As the saying goes - God gave us our relatives. Thank God we at least get to choose our friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes TF,it is not possible to get along with everyone we meet.

      Delete
  14. I read the post the first day itself, Indu. somehow, I wanted to read the comments from everyone. Don't know why? Just felt like that :) I feel sometimes it's not just worth to drag on the crap that has happened to us. We aren't going to gain anything by doing so. Either by brooding over it, wanting to change the way things are, wanting to make the other person understand the way things should supposedly have been. There is no use.. Just moving on is the best thing to do..As you said, shit happens..wash it and forget it. But if you try wiping it off that process of cleaning is going to be real shitty...sounds stupid..ehhh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Latha you have put it very well-i agree totally with you.There are enough problems in life,without dragging such issues.

      Delete
  15. Great post, Indu. What works for me is a bit of distance and the best healer - time, till I've calmed down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a very nice compliment KayEm,thank you!I too follow the same formula.

      Delete
  16. Hi,
    I have got experience in overcoming any relationship issue. We should understand that life is happening for every one of us with a predestined manner. I would say it is no one's fault for anything that happens. People have their own limitations and sometimes they act out of their limitations. It is upto us how we are taking it. Ultimately it is our mind that causs the trouble, not the external eevnt itself. So we can learn to take things lightly and understand life from the whole picture. In the beginning stages we can learn to forgive and when we re mature, we accept things as they are and not get disturbed, instead try to contribute something useful. I would say, blogging for the benefit of others is one such thing you can do,

    Do not let your self esteem dip down
    Understand no one else could have harmed you by accepting the fact that someone did their best at that time
    Do not blame the circumstances
    Forgive and forget
    Take things lightly.

    Remember the peace should come from within, not from outside
    Realise the self in you
    Understand you have the capacity to serve the needy
    Pray God to give you the cure and energy to serve others

    Love yourself
    See the good in others and you
    Do not forget the love of others around you
    Do the things you liked to do as a child

    Smell the things you liked to do as a child
    Hear the music you liked to hear as a child
    Do all of this and verify you got peace!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you Meena for this detailed reply,it shows the wisdom you have gained through your life experiences.
    Welcome to jeeteraho & Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete

I thrive on comments.Will you oblige ?