Thursday, April 18, 2013

Using #Memories to Heal Hurts

Yesterday I was in a very foul mood.I felt neglected & uncared for.By whom?By my BH of course--who else?I was literally smoldering with anger & my thoughts went like--he is so inconsiderate,selfish & stubborn ,blah blah blah.I was annoyed with him for not participating in activities which appealed to me.I felt as if my whole life had gone by without any fun or amusement.These thoughts were going on in my mind like a chainsaw.I had painted a very black picture of him in my head & I was in no mood to exit this state of mind.

Just then the phone rang.Now who was this,to add to my woes,I thought.It was Sweety,a dear friend,now removed in space,but not  far from my heart.So we began yapping as if we had never parted.She was feeling very nostalgic about the good times we had shared-she,her husband & we two-all four of us.She recounted many instances when we had enjoyed ourselves to the hilt.Past memories came flooding my mind.As soon as she had rung off I began to ponder.

Did we really experience those joyous times?Yes we did.It meant that BH was not so selfish,staid or dull as I had just now decided he was.Ah,what a realization!I felt as if a whole new chapter had opened in front of me.How wrong & unkind I had been to him in my thoughts.

A new picture began to take shape in my mind.He was not so bad after all.Maybe he did not feel energetic enough to go gallivanting along with me.The pall of gloom lifted.I realized that it was I who was being unreasonable & selfish.

I vowed henceforth to not give in to my vile temper at the drop of a hat.If irked by someone's behavior,i would first look back to judge  if it was the norm or an exception on part of that person.So often we jump to conclusions & take offence without sufficient grounds.Then we go on to pass judgments like'You always do this','You never cooperate' etc. etc.At such times a recapitulation of the other person's past behavior can introduce an element of sanity to an otherwise volatile situation.

If that person has been a habitual offender we can just say Good Bye and walk away;but if not,then this pause gives us an opportunity to cool down.As we recollect how helpful,friendly,positive or kind s/he has been to us in the days gone by,we cannot but come down a rung or two & upload a sincere smile to show that there is no bitterness in our hearts.This will avert a nasty conflagration,sustain the relationship & save us unnecessary rancor as well as heart-ache.

If handled correctly, our memories help to build bridges and heal hurts.I add this caveat because going back to my own experience;I could also have gone into depression, complaining how drastically BH had changed.Then I would have begun to speculate at the reason behind this transformation,did he not love me any more? 

It all depends upon how we use our memories.When an aged couple flips through the photographs of it's kids who have long flown the nest;it can either feel grateful for the precious times they spent together,or it can lament why they had to move away.If we are given to negative thinking then even mementoes of love & affection can sadden us.

Like Haruki Murakami said:
"Memories warm you up from the inside.But they also tear you apart."
Picture from google.

33 comments :

  1. Many decide things giving in to impulsive thoughts or feelings. I like this post; it's very inspiring.

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  2. Many thanks Arumugam ,for this support.

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  3. So true Indu! Indeed when we are really angry, we tend to see everything bad and evil in that person. But reminiscing about good memories makes us get perspective. Very true.

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  4. Such a heart warming post, thank you for sharing it Induji. Memories can make you or they can break you - it all depends on your perception, how true. I am taking back a lesson for life today, will try to always keep this in mind.

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    1. Arti thanks a million for this fabulous comment-it has given me a lot of satisfaction.

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  5. so true! life gives us many experiences and memories.....and how we look at them is important...

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  6. Sitting back to reflect on something before coming to a decision or a conclusion is always good. Something i am on the process of learning too . Loved your post and the message put across :)

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  7. Maliny i am very pleased that you liked the post,thanks a ton!!

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  8. I think memories should only be cherished, as we don't have any time machine to go back and change it :)

    Regards,
    Jahid
    Flashbacks

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  9. Hmm nyc post. Very true.. In anger.. We decide everything wrong.. About life or any person... Lifeor person may be diffrent... !!!... Keep writing.. It is worthwhile fro person like me who is short temper.. !!! Do visit my blog thanks

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    1. Ajnabi it is true that anger can spoil many scenes,take care.

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  10. Even I do the same when I'm angry. :(. I should control, good thing I started practicing to be calm. Thanks for the nice post Indu.

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    1. Ranjana thanks a lot for the appreciation---glad you liked it.

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  11. A very true to facts post Indu ji

    but like you have said its the attitude ---some people see negative even in memories --and push themselves further into depression---specially the elderly --its takes a lot of strength to pull themselves up and see the positive

    "Memories warm you up from the inside.But they also tear you apart."---very tue
    life is big battle and it takes a lot of strength and requires grit to survive.

    I have seen a lot of sad cases in my life and know how difficult it is for them

    thanks for this post ---it should help us to follow and think and pay heed



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    1. It is very sad but old age really intensifies every set- back,whether it be ill-health,penury or loneliness.
      As you so rightly pointed out it requires a lot of strength to get out of that mode but strength is what is lacking at that stage.
      Thank you Rajni for this deep insight.
      Love n Hugs.

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  12. That is also the key to remaining happy, Indu - managing memories. We can concentrate on all the negative incidents of life and perpetuate the unhappiness or we can relive the happy moments and perpetuate the joy in our minds.

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  13. Lovely post Indu and yes we do tend to get into those foul moods and if there is self pity they would be worse :) memories can uplift you or haunt you . It's upto our own selves to manage them rt ?

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  14. Hey Indu. You presented the lesson through a very interesting story.
    It is true indeed that we tend to jump to hasty conclusion without giving considerable thought to it. Concept of cognitive economy stands so true here. But cognitive economy is not always the best way to go. We need to spend some thoughts to get a clearer and more rational interpretation.

    Good one dear. Keep writing. :)

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    1. Deepak thanks a lot for your input & praise.I am glad you liked the story!

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  15. Enjoy them.There are those who live every moment of life with memories

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  16. I think like you did, many times; rather every time we have a fight. I brood, sulk and hold on the grudge for so long. Irony is that 'S' who is the reason and cause of the whole thing forgets it so soon and smiles back. I wish I was easy on him. :) Next time on wards, I will keep reminding myself of all the good times we had. A very warm post that works as a reminder. :) I loved the last line. Memories do tear us apart at times...even though they are good ones.

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    1. It is usual for emotions to take over during a fight but a partner who forgets & smiles after that is worth his weight in gold!!!

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  17. Thank God for the call from your friend. You are right, we pass judgement too soon, one bad act and everything goes down the drain. You know I am very bad wife, I never say sorry even if I am wrong, I just cook whatever my husband likes. He comes home, sees some pastry, cake or favorite indian dish and we are back to normal. But now he understands cooking/baking without occasion is my way of saying sorry. :)

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    1. Yes i too do that to appease him,but if i am in a rebellious mood then i cook my own favorite dishes.

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    2. I can add that trick to my maneuver.

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  18. How true, Indu!
    When we are angry... the torrent of inner emotions that whirls inside us focuses our attention on the source of our irritation. It becomes difficult to think about anything else. But, next time on wards, I'll think of a happy memory and smile.
    Great article. Enjoyed reading, Indu. I was traveling hence, am late. :((

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    1. You described it very well Panchali--as always!

      And yes,i was wondering where you were.
      Thanks for your heartening words--they add to my happiness quotient.

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