Tuesday, January 28, 2014

ADULTERY---1

Adultery--the very word conjures up a wave of bitterness,deceit,treachery,disillusionment,anger and sorrow.An outsider can just not imagine the pain and shock tormenting a spouse at the receiving end.In fact (let us presume it is the wife),she cannot easily disclose this fact to a third person, leave aside describe her suffering.Thousands of thoughts and memories flit through her mind and her whole life is reduced to thinking about this development.Memories of the good old days haunt her and the uncertainty of a dark lonely future worries her.

But a lot of care should be taken before accusing a husband of adultery.A thorough scrutiny of available evidence is essential because a lot is going to change after she vocalises her suspicions.Rethinking and introspection are called for.Is she reading too much into chance encounters which she happened to witness?Is her husband in fact not an adulterer but merely an extrovert given to complimenting women and engaging in social chit-chat?Could it be that she has issues about  her own looks and personality and is looking at a congenial relationship through green tinted glasses?

A wife who has hostile feelings about her husband--stemming from a huge spat or dire neglect on his part--may begin to suspect his loyalty and then every tiny incident which confirms her suspicions, will be embedded in her mind while those refuting her hypothesis will be relegated to the trash bin.The suspicion thus turns into conviction and she charges him in order to vent her anger.There is a lurking desire that he negate her accusations and assure her of his love and fidelity.But the opposite happens.An innocent man thus maligned erupts into fury and is deeply hurt by lack of trust on her part.

Therefore she should confront him only after she is thoroughly convinced of his infidelity, or has palpable proof in her hands.Otherwise it would be wiser to give him a benefit of doubt, because there are other factors which could misguide a wife into concluding that her partner is cheating on her.Here are some examples:--

* She lacks self esteem.
*She has an overactive imagination.
*She is jealous and possessive by nature.
*Her trust has been betrayed in past.
*She is highly emotional while he is practical and not demonstrative of his affection.
*He is smarter and more social than her.
*He is overburdened with work-cannot maintain a healthy work life balance.
*He has a serious problem at work or with his health, which make him inattentive to her needs.

The seeds of suspicion also stem from the rapid change which our society is witnessing today.More and more women are joining the workforce and there is greater inter-mingling of the sexes.Youth today are more convivial and less inhibited.This can lead to unwanted consequences and misunderstandings.The recent case of Sunanda illustrates the devastating consequences of adultery-whether real or imagined-upon a person's mental state.

Of course I do not deny that there is cheating in conjugal relationships-indeed it exists in ample measure-but this reality must not be allowed to play into the ordinary ups and downs of a couple's relationship.Not every man or woman is an adulterer or even a potential one, because a lot has to be sacrificed for the transitory pleasure derived from an illicit dalliance.

It is not the cheated wife alone who suffers.The adulterer too jeopardises his home,family and a harmonious life when he breaks his marriage vows.He is scared of being found out and left high and dry.Here I am not even talking of divorce,custody of children,alimony,division of property & belongings,breaking up with certain friends & relatives,change of residence and end of a comfortable life routine.

No,over and above all this there is the constant tension of hiding his subterfuge,dishing out one lie after another,thinking up of new excuses every day and the guilt of deceiving his wife--in short the burden of living a double life.Aren't there enough complications in life today without having to add to them?Such secrets do tumble out sooner rather than later and then the culprit's image is sullied irrevocably.Guilt and remorse also catch up somewhere down the lane and then it cannot be undone.



The complications are manifold.But why then do so many succumb to it?For men it is an ego boost or an attempt to test their sexual prowess while for women it is mostly a desire to find appreciation and tenderness,which might be missing in their married life.Underneath these reasons is the basic truth that the marriage rests on a shaky foundation.There may or may not be much acrimony in the relationship;but more important--the adulterer lacks commitment,morality and self control.This post describes the early signals which denote that the affections between a couple are waning.

Footnote:For my convenience i have written this piece from the perspective of a wife but she can easily be substituted by he because adultery is common in both sexes.Therefore spare me the brick-bats please!More to come in the next post.

Image from shutterstock.com


34 comments :

  1. very true..in today's scenario of free mixing and relaxed norms, temptations are too many and too difficult to resist for many...today more than ever we need strength of character to live a good life.

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  2. You are bang on-strength of character will save us from many pit-falls.

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  3. hmm, i have to continue the other side of story from my last post that i wrote about hospital.

    most of the people behavior is deceiving when you meet them for the first time.you will find very few people who are honest and true in the first interaction itself.

    when i met my 2nd ex-gf,i felt she was angel in my life.hmm i met her in a corporate hospital icu where i was in coma for 3days. she was mbbs fresher preparing for USMLE doing part-time job and was exactly of my age.after speaking to me,she was the one who made first move whether she can be my friend. initially i really liked her behavior coz she was honest in every aspect of emotion.

    she had two rings on her fingers,when i asked her whether she is engaged,she told me that her mother bought one for her bday and another she bought for herself.she used to get calls often and she used to say that its her cousin who is worried about her safety.after 2 months,one day when we were having coffee at a coffee shop ,a guy in suit and tie came to our table and asked her a question "IS HE YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND" which made me serious coz i thought he was waiter guy at coffee shop. people don't come to that coffee shop in a suit and tie.actually he was her fiance,then she has started defending herself that she is not cheating him and am just her friend.when her fiance became serious,she started supporting me that she is not interested in that guy and she likes me.i never came across such tamasha in public in my whole life coz i have led life with complete transparency. i left both of them at the coffee shop and sent her a sms that "ITS OVER".after that i never saw her face and never met her and never took her call.she was daughter of a high court judge and she doesn't know how to lead morally right life.

    there are only two kinds of people in this world.people who are good and people who act as good according to circumstances and opportunistic behavior.people who are really good maintain absolute transparency and morals in every aspect of life.transparency in life makes life easy and happy coz you have nothing to hide and you are free from ego to have any kinda conversation to solve any issue that surfaces in your life.so whenever i meet someone ,i make things very clear and say all the above lines to make a relationship simple,but people would never like to follow above lines.

    hmm after that, i never spoke to a girl coz having more gfs in your life dilutes one's personality.when you share your personal info every time with a new girl,it makes your emotions and relationship very artificial/superficial.

    till date, i din't see a wise and pretty woman who has more substance.even in cyber world, when you write something with more substance in a woman's blog,they are not going to like those writings.i dunno when women will become as wise as men,am looking forward for that from my childhood.i don't hate women,but its truth about girls aka women.they are too superficial.truth is,women can't think beyond certain extent.

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    1. I think you have met the wrong kind of women Rohan....it makes me think why?
      Perhaps you may benefit from this post,though i know it will anger you too-but here is the link
      http://jeeteraho.blogspot.in/2011/11/history-repeats-it-self.html

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    2. hmm,your post might appeal to a person who doesn't have clarity in life.it doesn't make me angry coz i have clarity in every aspect of life.my observations are not based on one or two people,i have seen things from my school days and has come to conclusion.

      when i was school kid,girls used to try to speak with me only when i scored more marks than my class topper who is a girl.they used to ask for my notes when i scored more marks and when i din't score more ,they used to distance themselves.you will find this kinda opportunism more in girls behavior.we make conclusions based on majority people/gender behavior.the most easiest thing in my life is getting a girl coz i need not try.i never took advantage of it.

      am not fond of half-hearted emotions and superficial relationships from my childhood,i din't find people who are like me so i remained an introvert.so my laptop is my best friend,i have been writing millions of lines in cyber world from 10nth grade days,most of the women did reject thoughts that are of more substance and forthright and some appreciated with half-hearted reply.i have come across women around globe from uk to iceland, brasil to usa through blogs.out of thousands of girls,i din't see any wise one.

      if people are that good,you don't find our society in such a mess.people think that am arrogant,its just confidence or anger that comes out of morally right life from childhood.being morally right in every aspect of life is not a easy task in contemporary world,this kinda life makes a person views very striking and sharp.most of people are not used to such life or comments,so they think its unusual.am not used to chalta hai attitude or living by any means.i have this set of principles whether its my family or outsiders.





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    3. Rohan i hope you meet nice caring people in life.

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  4. सच लिखा है .. सहमत हूँ आपकी बात से ...

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  5. Nice post Induji
    and very very relevent in society (todays as well as yesterdays) adultry in both the genders has existed from time immemorial ------men though had greener pastures women used to be confined to finding interesting partners amongst cousins and relations within the joint family ( in the past --today ofcourse both have equal opportunities)------I feel there is no use confronting and breaking your home ----just let the person know that her/his escapades have been discovered ---and she /he will stew in his/her own guilt --------because like you have said ----

    ,over and above all this there is the constant tension of hiding his subterfuge,dishing out one lie after another,thinking up of new excuses every day and the guilt of deceiving his wife--in short the burden of living a double life.Aren't there enough complications in life today without having to add to them?

    Nice and interesting post
    love and regards

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    1. Dear Rajni ,
      You have given a very balanced reply...yes it is true that earlier many ( or maybe a few) in joint families were guilty of extramarital sex ,i think women were mostly victims and not the perpetrators there.But today there is a barrage of free sex which also includes extramarital.
      Love n hugs

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  6. I'm not saying that adultery doesnt happen. But these days, people tend to exaggerate and over-react in many situations. People feel washing dirty linen in public is better than having to confront a person, personally. When people question other's integrity, it's more a question of their insecurity. People should learn how to deal with such situations.

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  7. Yes insecurity does lead to wrong presumptions but even there it is only when a man for example,will not listen to his wife,that she will resort to going public.

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  8. I like the valid points you have put across, they are not mere arguments.

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  9. very well written...even the mid life crisis evokes it...seen many people succumbing to it.

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    1. Yes you are right about mid-life crisis.
      Thanks for the thumbs up.

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  10. Hard times ahead.I am very worried about the way relationships are taking a beating.

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    1. True,every relationship is under stress today.

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  11. Ah! this time about the 'forbidden fruit':) Trust is the foundation of any relationship and without it everything else is meaningless!

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  12. Yes trust is paramount,it wavers when one sees dangers of a loved one being seduced,though it might be a figment of one's imagination only.

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  13. This is so rampant these days.No am i being silly. Its become more "in your face" these days. it did exist earlier, it sure does exist now too. With both men and women looking for "greener pastures", but whats the outcome. I just feel Sex is over rated here. i dont see another reason for infidelity. When someone chooses to be with someone else, its just based on Physical attraction,and then what!! blaahhh ... :P

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    1. Yes infidelity without sex is not found as you say.....but i think adultery is more rampant today as well as more obvious.

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  14. Where it is unjust suspicion of adultery it is either because the concerned spouse lacks self-esteem - at least in relation to the other spouse - or because the spouse shies away from the guilt/sense of rejection associated with seeing the causes of a distance in the relationship and tends to see external reasons for it. Conversely, the biggest hurt that adultery inflicts IS that sense of rejection and the probable consequent loss of self-esteem in addition to all the hurts.

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    1. Insightful addition to my post as usual.
      Thanks!

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  15. Hm.. True - I have come across a similar case. One of my wife's college friends had problems with her in-laws and she started suspecting his wife of adultery and began to stalk some innocent girl at his office and began to pester my wife who works in the same organization to collect information about that girl. My wife was not into all this detective business and used to dread this friend's calls.

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    1. This is interesting--the lengths to which our delusions take us!
      The poor girl must have been very harried.

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  16. Very valid points that are lucidly explained. Like you said, one must be completely sure of adultery before leveling such allegations. It can drive a huge wedge in a relationship if the charge is not true. Also the woman or man need to look within and sit over all that they perceive to be wrong. Flying off the hook or worse taking them public can do maximum damage to the relationship. Very relevant topic in today's times when deep friendships among people of opposite sexes has become common.

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  17. Yes Rachna the times are testing the strengths of relationships-thanks for this insight.

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  18. It's such a scary situation, to be betrayed by one who means the most to you. And at times like these, it's not possible to think logically.

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    1. Agree with you Purba-it must be very traumatic.

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  19. Indu, Sure, it takes two to run a marriage, but only one to ruin it.!!! Very relevant topic in today's world.
    Going through adultery is definitely messy and traumatic and the legal details are not at all straight forward. And yes, the complications are manifold...and I think, it all depends on what your values are....
    Wonderful reading you always. Feels good to connect after a break.

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    1. It is so nice to read your replies Panchali,you always add more meaning to my posts,thank you!

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