Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Adultery,Safeguard Your Marriage---2

Nothing happens all of a sudden and before adultery too, there are signs of discord and dissatisfaction.If and when a couple feels that their marriage is tottering it is time to have a heart-to-heart talk;the focus being,not on incrimination,but an endeavour to find out where things went wrong and what should be done about it.Ask your partner what s/he would like you to change and also say what displeases you --but in even tones.This is more effective than banging stuff and shouting.

No one likes anybody to attempt their make-over but when it is done voluntarily it is more effective and permanent.Therefore listen to your partner's stray,indirect comments,perceive what he likes or dislikes,and adjust accordingly.You may dislike certain traits in your spouse but don't expect a drastic makeover.Also,do not humiliate him/her because of it.Give more,expect less if you want a long lasting marriage.

A lot of adjustment may be needed in the sphere of sex.Unless your spouse demands something which is abhorrent to you,try and take care of his/her needs.Also say what you desire and enjoy.

In some marriages love grows with time,but respect for the partner should be there from the beginning.If you do not respect your mate you are ,in fact,driving him/her in the arms of someone who does.

Man or woman,both stray because the third person appreciates them,makes them feel good,likable and attractive.In order to avoid this happening,fulfill this need of your spouse.When s/he gets it at home s/he will not look outside.Just a small example to illustrate my point--suppose you both have decked up for a party.Your significant other is looking ravishing,smart or debonair.You notice this but keep quiet.At the party if you meet a well dressed friend you will surely compliment him/her.Why not your spouse?

Everybody is in hot pursuit of a flourishing career today.Some have no compunctions about using sex to further their ends.Beware of such persons--they will use you as a ladder, not caring if your family has been ravaged in the process.

After a few years of marriage the charm wears off and monotony sets in.Obviate this by springing a surprise now and then;expressing your love for your partner and exploring new fields which will enthuse both of you.

Surprises (when they are pleasant of course!) are good but it is equally important to have well-established routines--somewhat like the trade mark of your family.Build up a life which satisfies your family's needs and which they would not like to live without.Establish certain traditions which they anticipate and enjoy-whether it is a weekly outing,dining out,holidaying,or playing,praying and exercising together.If you are unable to take a vacation from work explore the interesting places in your own city on a Sunday, as if you are a tourist there.Common recreational activities hold a family together and bestow lasting happy memories which come to aid when one feels lonely or despondent.Also form core groups with common friends.

The whole motive is to increase together-times and decrease time spent alone.Individual activities in spare time-like both doing their own thing in separate rooms,using their gadgets in privacy tend to create a distance between the two so that when the need arises to share thoughts,express emotions and ask advice,an invisible wall looms up.The gap widens and finally one of them looks for empathy and companionship outside marriage.

Mutual bonding of the couple as well as with the children helps to cement family ties.If there is respect for other members of the extended families--ahem,the in-laws-- that too checks a person from straying.

After all adaptations have been attempted,and some attained,a few or more abrasive elements could still mar a conjugal relationship.A habitually reticent or hassled wife or husband may fail to boost a partner's ego while a colleague does it amazingly.But before crossing the line s/he ought to recognise all other things which the other person is doing right.S/he could very well lose all that, plus the peace of his/her heart and home if s/he transgresses the agreed boundaries.The shame and guilt when his kids come to know of it as well as the adverse effects this could have on them should be enough to deter him.

The sensations emanating from an illicit relationship may be very satisfying for a narcissist but wait till the newness wears off and complications set in.Therefore it is best to conserve what you have and spend your energies in perpetuating that rather than giving in to carnal impulses.

46 comments :

  1. Another important post from you Indu ji

    Marriage is such tight rope stuff --and adultery such an ambiguous term .--it could range from actual physical discarding of the marital partner to mentally being away from her/him making them feel worthless ..
    You have hit the nail when you said " the whole motive is ..............companionship outside marriage"

    modern day couples fail to understand the difference between "space " and "distance"

    thanks for this one --enlightening and thought provoking as always

    love and regards
    rajni

    down with a bout of flu --its torturous ")))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Despite your ill health you have added many nuggets to the topic---i need to say no more except--I sincerely hope you are fit and rocking very soon.
      Lots of love!

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  2. Every frivolous relationship is a blemish on one's character.

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    Replies
    1. How very true Tomichan ,i love to see your comments!
      Thanks!

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  3. Very matured thoughts and writing.

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    Replies
    1. Bless you Indrani--you are very encouraging.

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  4. A very mature post. The signs are always there and in a marriage keeping the communication line open is more than vital. Never sleep over a fight and adjustment and change should be made at every junction to keep the relationship balanced out.

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    Replies
    1. Yes communication is good only when it is followed by adjustment.
      Thanks for the praise Athena!

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  5. A very mature way of looking at things Indu. As you rightly pointed out an open heart to heart discussion is best. In fact it will bring more closeness into the relationship .

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jaish,seeing you after a long time-thanks a lot for adding to the meaning!

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    2. Busy with my new born Indu :)

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    3. I did not know this,Heartiest congrats!

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  6. A very apt post so much much needed for today's day and hour where every few days we hear couples looking for separation and marriages breaking off. Such incidences are disheartening and one can't help but wonder what goes wrong -- when and where? I guess your post answered a lot of these questions. Each post of your's is truly a lesson for life.

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    Replies
    1. It seems as if the whole environment is ganging up to test the strength of relationships today.
      Thanks Arti-you add to my cup of joy!!!!!!!!!!

      Delete
  7. solid advice..very rarely i see any one living happily after straying..Even the famous Anna Karenina was not happy with herself...

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    Replies
    1. So it is better to stay and not stray.

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  8. For every marriage to succeed,it needs understanding of both the partners.It will be silly to expect one of the partners to be adjusting.

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  9. Excellent pointers. Every married couple must read this.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Rachna --this is very motivating.
      Love n hugs.

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  10. True Indu. I will complete 25 years this year. There has to be mutual respect, understanding and acceptance.

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    Replies
    1. Alka thanks for your concurrence--feels nice!
      And Alka i am senior to you by-------only 20 years.

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  11. Mutual understanding and acceptance, Indu are the key but I find that the very basic thing that it needed goes missing - communication! People seem to talk AT each other instead of WITH each other these days.

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    Replies
    1. True,we only want to have our say-not interested in what the other person is saying.

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  12. People have to learn to compromise and accept people for what they are. Agreeing to disagree would be better than having to prove one is right and the other is wrong. People should also consciously try to spend time together and make an effort to understand the other.

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    Replies
    1. Your comments are always full of good sense Ashwini.

      Delete
  13. Important lessons here. Secret to a healthy marriage- hard work, commitment, trust, communication, love, respect...very delicate.
    Handle with care else adultery will stare!

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  14. Wonderfully penned, Indu. One of the greatest difficulties of being a human is that we never can see within the heart, mind, and experience of another person....Marriage is a simple contract which has very clear terms for a healthy marriage...wonder, why people don't follow them. Understanding builds marriages...!!
    Great pointers!

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    Replies
    1. Always good to see you here Panchali.
      I think there are too many temptations today for the weak willed & they give in.

      Delete
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