Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Adultery,When The Damage Has Been Done--3

This post is the last of the series.If you have not read the two previous post you may like to start from here.
The old definition of adultery has become defunct since the advent of telephone sex,sexting,facebook romance and porn.It now boils down to how much you both think is morally right and how much is admissible to your spouse.Even open marriages have invaded the scene but this does not discount the fact that when a mate cheats the results can be disastrous.The day this perfidy is revealed is no less explosive than the eruption of a volcano.Accusations,denials,excuses,threats and angry retorts are flung back and forth.

After all has been said and heard the cheated mate sits down to decide-what next?If the villain of the piece refuses to reform and if the aggrieved person has a support system to fall back upon;there may be only two options open--to either show her/him the door or walk out the door.

But what if the libertine promises to not repeat his/her mistakes?Then the spouse has to decide whether s/he can forgive and make a fresh beginning.So many variables influence this decision--whether adultery was a one off mistake or a habit,whether they have kids,how long they have been married,what was the rapport like before this happened,how much love & respect still remains between the two and if this is the only fly in the ointment.

A cheated spouse should remember that the pain is at it's peak at the time of disclosure but it will come down eventually and slowly things will begin to settle down.On the other hand if you are thinking of separation or divorce, make sure that the new life you choose will be better than this one.
You should not jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Initially of course you can be forgiven for calling your spouse the worst possible worm in the g****r,but if you decide to swallow this episode as a bitter pill and save your home from breaking,then take care to suppress your vocabulary of derogatory terms.The culprit must already be feeling sheepish, don't humiliate him/her any further.You are in pain because your trust has been  trampled upon,but s/he too must be feeling guilty.It is better to bury the past and focus upon mending your relations.Give it time because there will be many glitches in reconnecting once again.Both of you will be reminded of what had come in between you but as time passes this deceit will be overshadowed by other,pleasanter experiences and you will hopefully recapture the old magic.

Forgiving is not easy but nursing your blisters,keeping them raw is painful and futile.Of course you would want to know with whom and how many times your partner two-timed you but beyond this,avoid going into the gory details.The less you know,the better for your sanity.If you decide to resume your married life once again it will be wise to lay down certain conditions:----

* You have the right to check his/her cell phone and emails.
* Your spouse will not rave or rant when you ask where s/he went and why   s/he is so late.
* All financial dealings will be transparent and above board.
* Both of you can decide upon a course of action if this should    happen  again.
While the cheat was in an illicit relationship s/he must have        withdrawn many rights,privileges and facilities from you,these  should be returned forthwith.
* S/he will not take out his frustration at having to tow the line by picking up other issues in order to put you down.  

It depends upon the individual involved whether all these efforts will keep him in check or not but if honest efforts can save a family from breaking it is worth a trial.

Image courtesy google.

28 comments :

  1. very good advice because most of the time spouse remain together but keep reminding the other of the incident...and its torturous to both of them..forgive only if you can forget or atleast pretend it..but dont forgive and then keep taunting forever or emotionally blackmailing, because then it wouldnt be a healthy relationship.

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    1. Well said Renu-it is no use staying together to taunt and humiliate.One has to bury the past.

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  2. Well analyzeď Indu. It depends on the reasona the spouses went astray and the genuineness in the efforts to correct themselves. Forgiving and trying to protect the home should be given a try

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    1. Jaishree i like this mention of the reason why a mate strays---the complainant too,could be at fault.
      Thanks for finding the time to read.
      My love and blessings to the newborn!

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  3. Words of wisdom. More and more youngsters should read this. Anger can worsen any situation. As you say, it is time to introspect, analyze and work on it. Of course, if the person is a habitual offender, things are different.

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    1. Alka anger is pardonable in such a situation but as you say-it does bring matters to a head.Ultimately the sane one has to make adjustments.

      Sad isn't it ?

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  4. I do think Adultery - as in cheating on a spouse - is different from a permissive sexual relationship. The operative difference being that in the one there is deceit and in the other there is openness. (THAT is an intellectual differentiation. Me - I really do not think that open-sex relationships work since there would be jealousies that mar the relationship not to mention the fact that a spousal relationship should grant the privilege of one's time to the other spouse which will get severely curtailed in this case)

    THAT said, I really have difficulty in seeing how a marriage can work well after such a deceit. A mended vase is never going to be the same as the original. Deceit spoils things permanently and what you end up with is a second-grade relationship from then on. But, yes, it may prove to be a serviceable relationship if both parties can work at it even if it is not ideal.

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    1. There are so many permutations of the good old institution of marriage today.Yes adultery in marriage differs from a permissive sexual relationship.Then there is the open marriage where both can stray(why do they marry at all?).There is another kind of marriage where everything looks hunky-dory from outside but in parties they switch spouses.

      I agree that it is difficult to gulp this kind of deceit but who knows the limitations which constrict the cheated spouse?Many are forced to live repelling lives--it is really sad.

      I am reminded of the 'deprave and his wife'--you have read that post.To every onlooker they presented a happy union.

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    2. Partners who are willing to acknowledge their love for each other after a breach of trust has taken place usually end up deepening their relationship. The rules laid down in this series are helpful, but at the core of it has to be a spiritual willingness to mend and grow. Brokenness is often the foundation of a wholeness that might not be found otherwise.

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    3. It is a delight to read your views after a long time Subho.Thank you.
      You have thrown a new light on this.Yes this too could be the outcome in some cases.

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  5. First, as you said, it should be analyzed if it was a one-time mistake or a habit. Anger can acheive nothing. Only after careful introspection would we be able to take clear decisions, keeping in mind who all will be affected.

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    1. Yes Ashwini-keeping your balance in the midst of a storm is useful.

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  6. Induji, you have correctly hinted all points.
    Thing is, we don't realize how the 'state of marriage' is actually, while we are busy running after life or smugly taking partner for granted :)

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    1. I like your pointer Anita,we do take the essentials for granted and run after the peripherals.

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  7. Sensible advise. But as Suresh has said, tough to mend. But then life is about compromises at most times.

    By the way marriages are becoming extinct in Europe and there is a view that marriage was a construct of the agricultural age and with us moving away towards a more mobile life style, marriages will become extinct all over the world. Good example is Phanish Murthy case where he blames his mobile life style for his adultery.

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    1. This is new to me.
      Karthik if marriages vanish from the scene then the state will have to look after the handicapped and dependent persons.Have old age homes taken over this responsibility?

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    2. Yes, Indu. State takes care of all the people. Children leave home at 15-16 years and stay by themselves. Live ins and casual relations are becoming the norm.

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  8. Absolutely thoughtful! I couldn't agree more..

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    1. When an erudite blogger like you appreciates it makes my day!

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  9. It is down right cheating ...call it by ant name you like.
    I agree,one should forgive and move on.But,is it possible?its easier said than done..Will a wife forgive a man who has been cheating on her?
    No.And she mustn't

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    1. Very difficult indeed-it would be difficult to respect such a spouse.

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  10. very practical and ""feasible""" advice Indu ji
    only the erring partner should not give the other any chance to complain --and again this too is very easy if they both want to
    thanks
    warm regards
    rajni

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    1. Yes it all depends upon the erring partner.
      Btw Rajni last time your post failed to show up.
      Love n hugs.

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  11. I think, it's a choice we make whether to forgive/punish him for the one wrong he committed overlooking/keeping in mind all the rights he did for you and the relationship.

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  12. Yes this is definitely needed.The rush of emotions must make it difficult to take a balanced approach.

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  13. Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a critical tool for a marriage relationship.....but, its not easy always!

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    1. Yes it is difficult to forgive infidelity.

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  14. Now you can save your married life by the help of vashikaran techniques.This technique provide powerful solution in a short time.
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    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading my post.I hope you liked it :).