Saturday, November 22, 2014

To Togetherness

My last post on the same topic i.e a successful marriage was rather futuristic in nature.This one is about building up a harmonious relationship and more contemporary.

No matter how much we thrash the major issues before marriage,some differences of opinion and unpalatable traits are bound to emerge when two individuals proceed into deeper waters.It is then that their forbearance,wisdom and adaptability are put to test.

These days we have become very individualistic and the desire to adjust is not very strong.As a result marriages are failing in greater numbers.If two persons think that their relationship has turned sour or they are not getting what they wanted from it, they are quick to divorce;believing that the next tie will give them the fulfillment which is lacking in this one.

This could be a good option where grave problems exist,but often a couple seeks divorce on frivolous grounds,just because they do not want to compromise;not realizing that no matter how many partners they change,tolerance and adjustment shall always be required.

There are certain basic principles which can help a couple to cement their relationship.A brief article written by me on this subject was published in Kota Plus supplement of TOI on 14th Nov.I reproduce a copy of that text below:--


To togetherness

The initial euphoria of marriage simmers down with time and reality pushes into the fore.Two individuals who had hitherto only seen each other at their best are now exposed to the harsh glare of close proximity.Disappointments and disillusions are inevitable.

In order to build a harmonious life together,it is essential to accept your partner in totality;trying at the same time, to avoid clashes by adjusting according to his/her predilections.The changes should come from the person's own volition.Do not attempt a  make-over of your partner---it is bound to create resentment and hostility.Remember your significant other is a human and if s/he has certain foibles then you too are not perfect.Both need to ignore minor irritations.

However if you have a serious complaint then tell it to your spouse in specific words and even tones.Stick to the particular behavior which hurts you.Don't pass sweeping comments like-you don't love me.Then listen patiently to his/her answer.Try to look at things from your partner's point of view.Also,take care to not rake up old issues--that will only exacerbate the situation.

Things go wrong despite best intentions.At such moments you need to find out a mutually acceptable solution.Desist from fixing the blame on your spouse.This can have disastrous consequences.The need is to improve the situation,and not destroy your partnership.

Affairs which concern the family should be frankly discussed by the couple.Any attempt to force a decision upon the other person or keep secrets is bound to create rift.

Ego problems can create a wide chasm between a couple.Keep the communication lines open and say sorry if you are at fault.

If your better half is upset, ask what happened and do what you can,to improve his/her mood.

If your spouse is very angry or a confrontation becomes explosive,then it is best to remove yourself from the scene. 

The worst enemy of a couple is adultery,it's definition is rather fluid after the onset of internet--value your partner's sentiments.

The newness of marriage wears off after a few years and monotony creeps in.New pastures might look greener,but remember no matter how many partners you change,tolerance,patience and adaptation will always be required.A perfect marriage has to be worked at,it does not come ready-made.Build up a relationship on mutual trust,loyalty,devotion and honesty,and you can be sure of living together happily ever after :) . 

21 comments :

  1. You said it, Indu! It does not even require rose-colored spectacles in the wooing phase. There is a VAST difference between meeting a person and living with her. Things like what programs you watch on TV to how you use the bathroom; to when you want space and when you want to converse; to who makes the coffee to who does the dishes - all of them become known ONLY when you become a couple. Unless there is communication and tolerance, marriages do not work (even where the couple stay together :) ).

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  2. I normally do not cross-link my posts in comments Indu but I think this one is apt in this context.

    http://jambudweepam.blogspot.in/2012/08/agony-aunt.html

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    1. Thanks for dropping this link Suresh,it was a good read--very illuminating.

      And your first comment is bang on !!!!

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  3. we need not go into survey's or research how contemporary society is acting.there is simple basic thing that's changing whole behavior of society.it happens at school level,these days most of techno schools and coaching centres teach kids how to compete and how to speak fluent english and they tell " you don't need discipline to be successful". discipline is most important thing that defines every aspect of one's behavior,when they grow up,they show all kinds ill-mannered behavior which is self-centred. problem these days is with parenting and schooling where people care damn for discipline.why am i saying all this coz its really like hell to go out in india these days coz you will find hooligan behavior among english speaking youth.this hooligan behavior spreads into every aspect of life.its really simple.

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    1. Rohan i totally agree with you on discipline and i would like to add courtesy and manners too.

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  4. Indu ji

    Personally I think A marriage will klick if the two partners want it to --and it won't if even one is not interested ---no amount of love and sacrifice and adjustment will ever work if the will to survive doesnot exist --and no amount of indifference will destroy if there is the will to survive

    Idon't know how to put it but mariage is a very complex and complicated relationship --and the most simplest too

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    1. Very true Rajni,if one of the two is not interested then no amount of sacrifice can save it.Just consider some marriages of yore---if the husband was oppressive the wife meekly towed the line;but it was slavery,not a partnership.

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  5. marriages are really very complex..I see a couple who had love marriage, but they are constantly in arguement becuase wife is a spendthrift..
    Then there is this couple where husband has a touring job, and whenevr he goes out, wife throws a tantrum, ...or asks him to change the dates...
    Then there was this girl who wouldnt lift a finger in the house inspite og being a housewife..
    Seeing all this makes me feel that marriage is a gamble..

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    1. Renu all this has resulted from a refusal to compromise.If one spouse reveals a hidden vice then i would say that it was a gamble gone wrong or plain deceit;but just refusing to meet each other half way is adamant self destruction.

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  6. Be it a love marriage or an arranged marriage..what is essential is understanding between the two and each one has to compromise ,if one wants the marriage to remain at peace.

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  7. A good article.For marriages to succeed there should be understanding,mutual trust,a willingness to please each other and certain amount of tolerance.There should be an effort to make it work in happy circumstances.

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    1. Kp welcome to jeeteraho--that's it-in a nutshell.

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  8. True Indu.But some adjustments can be to certain extent. I have seen in many couples only partner adjust a lot. Another will be very stubborn. In this course of adjustment many loose their individuality, But understanding each other helps a lot. I have seen many wonderful couples with great understanding. Good article.

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    1. You make a valid point.When only one person adjusts individuality is lost---sad,peace comes at a price.
      Thank you Ranjana.

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  9. Very early in our marriage, we had decided not to drag the past in our arguments. Of course, ego is hard to let go of. But accepting that you might have been in the wrong always helps.

    Lovely read, Indu.

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    1. Purba your concurrence means a lot to me-thank you for this.
      Yes ego upsets many relationships.

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  10. Indu, bang on. I agree with every point. While adjustment is most important for both the partners, introspection every now and then is much needed. Also communicate and don't expect the other to be a mind reader. Loved the post! Very similar to what I feel.

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    1. Very true Rachna introspection and communication are vital.
      I am truly glad you resonate with this--we noticed this earlier too.

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  11. Replies
    1. You puzzled me with the change in your name Karthik :(.
      Made my day,thanks.

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Thanks for reading my post.I hope you liked it :).