Perfectionism--The Bane of my Life :(

We all love efficient workers,jobs well done--no flaws peeping,no loose ends dangling--perfect execution of any given task.But perfectionism ?Ahem,that needs more thinking.

I remember when I was in school we used to get three hours to solve a question paper of five questions.I used to take one and a half hour to solve the first question because I had to write a perfect beginning,mention all the salient points,recheck and finish with a flourish.Then I would look at my watch,gasp and start the second question which took another full hour,and that too,would be a pretty good answer.Half an hour left and three questions to be answered :( I could barely scratch a few lines for each one.The result? I could never (almost) go beyond the second division.This continued in my college life too.

Now,after having been a slave of perfectionism for umpteen years,I can pontificate upon it's drawbacks till I have bored you to tears but it is not as if I have gotten over it.If I am dusting, every object has to be picked up,the surface cleaned,the object wiped and then placed at it's designated spot.Doing this all over the house becomes so tiring that I am forced to overlook the dirt for a few days at least. Wouldn't it have been more pragmatic to just swish through the rooms on most days and save precious time and energy?Well,I am trying.

Rather late in the day,I have realized that perfectionism can be counter productive.Firstly it eats up a good part of my day as I run after inconsequential details following self imposed procedures.Then I feel dog-tired and have little stamina for other activities which too,are important.It makes me anxious,stressful and drained of energy because it is impossible to relax when a host of pending tasks are hovering over my head.The worst part is that I cannot lessen my burden by deputing jobs to others since nobody can do it the way I would want something done;so that I am always over-burdened with work.This gives me tremendous stress.I try to hurry up and tackle other issues but a lot is left untouched because of paucity of time.

The most essential me-time,when I could pursue my various hobbies or relax with a cup of tea and a good read is the worst sufferer.Even when I have made my tea just the way I relish it,I tarry in the kitchen to ensure nothing is left uncovered;the fan,cooler or AC has to be at the exact setting I want,there should be some music in the background and a good book at hand if I have to enjoy my tea perfectly.And by the time all this has been arranged my tea has gone ice cold.

Really this perfectionism can be self defeating at times.It often leads to procrastination because I will not take up something  till my stamina is at it's optimum and other conditions are conducive for perfect execution of a task.So there!

The worst fall-out of perfectionism is the effect it has on my family--they are often at the receiving end for being sloppy or disorganized.Going beyond the inner circle--socializing too--is not easy for the likes of me because we have fixed ideas about the kind of company and ambiance we desire.Moreover,to be honest,others too,must find us rigid and unbending.

Sometimes I fear that this habit of mine could transmute into OCD .Perfectionists are also vulnerable to quite a few diseases caused by the enormous burden they carry on their mind,body and souls.Therefore I am trying my best these days to be more lackadaisical and easygoing.There is a world of difference between being efficient,putting in your best,striving to raise the bar ; and being obsessed with unrealistic goals or sticking on to unproductive behavior.There are many spheres where good enough is good enough.

 .

Image courtesy google.

How To Be Liked

Do you want --to be liked?Silly question actually--who does not?Here I am not talking of the 'likes' which we all dole out in profusion on facebook. No,I am talking of that (almost) universal desire to be liked,cherished and valued for who we are.Is it asking for too much?Sometimes it is.In fact it is difficult to say how many like us,how many don't,how many are indifferent and how many positively abhor us.

There was a time when I used to believe that my behavior did not rankle anyone, but to my dismay I was proved wrong.The fallout has been so gross that I can no longer close my eyes and live in a fool's paradise.One benefit of entering the golden years is that you awaken to many harsh realities.Let me share some with you:--

I remember the day my son landed a plum job.As soon as I met my friends I told them about it and they were very happy for me.After a couple of days I again met them at a kitty party and naturally this topic was uppermost in my mind.I told them how my brilliant had surpassed his whole class to get this job.They responded with watery smiles.Just as I was about to tell them the perks he would be enjoying I saw them getting restless and stifling yawns.Oh well!

Lesson no. one:--It is not good manners to boast about personal glories.

Cut to another day.We were at a party and the talk veered to depression.Here was my chance to showcase my grip on the subject.So I began to rattle off on the causes and cures of depression.When an ill informed person interjected with his own views I smiled benevolently and carried on.Naturally this ate up a good chunk of the evening, but it pained me to see that the audience was hardly paying any attention to my valuable insights.Now,by virtue of hindsight,I realize that my dissertation on depression had in fact been depressing them.

Lesson no.two:--Never monopolize the conversation or try to show off your 'gyan'.

This episode demoralized me to such an extent that I stopped taking part in conversations.But how could  I keep quiet when a friend was facing a solid problem?She obviously needed guidance.I told what she should do in order to get rid of the pest in her life.Since she did not look convinced I had to be more persuasive.Do you think she was grateful?Nah--she positively looked peeved,as did the rest of them.Some even nudged one another as if to say 'see,she has started off again'.

Lesson no. three:--Never give unasked advice.

Now I was losing friends at jet speed.Something had to be done.I had read somewhere that the best way to make friends was to take interest in them.This was one tactic which was guaranteed to succeed.I began to put this dictum into practice.So I asked this lady whom I met at a party what she did for a living.The next logical question was how much she was paid but she hesitated to give me an answer.I changed the track by asking her where she lived and whether it was her own house or rented accommodation.I wanted to ask her how much rent she was paying for her house but to my surprise she buzzed off with an ugly grimace.Now where did I go wrong this time?I was only trying to take interest in her.

Lesson no.four:--Never probe into others' affairs.A thick line demarcates taking interest from prying.

I was really desperate now to hold on to the few friends I had.I had observed that friends rally round a person who is upset.At our next get-together I told my friends how miserable I was because of my tooth ache.I had hit the jackpot this time.There was mild tut-tutting all round.This behavior of my friends needed to be strengthened till they were overflowing with the milk of human kindness.Therefore I began to tell them about my arthritis and thyroid.Surprisingly nobody seemed to be interested in my litany of

woes,my luck had run out.They began to get ready to leave.I was left all alone at a deserted pitch :( 

Lesson no. five:--Sob stories can't win friends.

As a last ditch attempt I put in gigantic efforts to refine my behavior.This time when I walked into my kitty party I floored all of them with a bright smile (practiced beforehand ),and a cheery hello!Got many smiles in return and I too gave them reasons to smile, like---Oh,darling,how nice to see you.You are looking gorgeous.Dear so and so,I was missing you terribly.Hey,what a lovely dress you are wearing.Your story in the magazine was excellent,it brought tears to my eyes,etc etc.But what was this?The atmosphere around me had again returned to freezing point.

Lesson no. 6:--Artificial bonhomie is not appreciated.

Is there no end to human endurance?Shh,mine,not theirs.I think some people are impossible.ME?No no,my bunch of so called friends.But now that this thought has crossed my mind let me think.Could the fault lie in me?Is it I who am impossible?Disturbing question-this.

But it is also true that they are all happy being together while it is I who feel shunned.So what should I do?Another attempt at self improvement?But see what I have just done--I had recently concluded that nobody likes sob stories,and here I have saddled you all with mine.Will I never improve?????

Can Positivity Overcome Adversity ?

 A lot has been said about positive thinking but when everything happens all at once,when you can barely keep your head above water-does it help you to cope even at such moments?Is it in-built or can it be learned?
We all have our answers to these questions but we don't have to be dogmatic about our views-maybe they ask for some changes?

To read more on this please go to the following link 

http://www.speakingtree.in/spiritual-blogs/seekers/self-improvement/can-positivity-overcome-adversity