The marriage season is in full swing but a lot of caution should be exercised before one ties the knot.Premarital counseling can help the prospective couple to avoid a mis-matched marriage and the heart-ache of a divorce.Considering this i sent an article to Kota Plus supplement of TOI which was published on 7th Nov 2014.I reproduce a copy of it below:---
A Happy Marriage
Marriage season is fast approaching.Every couple gets into matrimony envisioning a happy, life-long partnership, but it is a sad commentary on our times that incidents of divorce are rising.Problems arise because two individuals coming from different backgrounds,having their own dreams,expectations and value systems, are thrown together and often fail to reconcile themselves to those differences. If only they could know in advance what the other person expects from them and whether or not they can fulfill those expectations,it could save them a lot of heart-ache.One way of avoiding a failed marriage is to go for pre-marital counseling.It will enable the couple to be aware of the pitfalls which could possibly crop up and enable them to plan their future accordingly.The prospective bride and groom should both attend it together.
Here are some pointers for such a session:---
- Are you happy with this match?
- What do you expect from your partner?Do you know what s/he expects from you?Can you/do you want to,fulfill those expectations?
- Do your value systems match?Which is that one quality with which you will not compromise?
- If you follow different religions, will both of you have the liberty to follow your own religion?
- Will you live in a joint family or a nuclear one?
- Does the girl have the choice to build up her career or be a home maker if she likes?
- If she takes up a job,will she have the freedom to keep her money,or help her parents;or will she be expected to put her money in the joint kitty?If the boy is transferred to another city will the wife be forced to leave her job and follow him? Will they share the details of their earnings and investments with each other?
- Will the boy discuss major issues with his wife before taking a decision?
- Do they have similar views on when and how many children they should have?Suppose one of them is infertile,what shall their course of action be in that case?If they belong to different religions,then whose religion will the child follow?
- Are they both medically clean and compatible--in terms of HIV or Rh factor?
Pre-marital counseling enables the couple to judge if they are on the same wave-length so that if the chasm is impassable the marriage can be shelved.It is best to make a wise decision rather than sticking to a wrong one when the prospects of a harmonious union look bleak.
Ah! Too late for me, Indu :)
ReplyDeleteTo be frank, though, I have hardly seen anyone who actually knows what HE or SHE wants, really! Most people seem to spend all their lives living the life that they think Society wants them to live - and have no clue what they themselves want. THAT confusion is bound to affect marital choices too. ("Itni sundar ladki aur isse behtar var nahin mila?" "Terese kam kamanewala ko itni acchi ladki mili aur tumhe..." and all that, where this 'better' person is defined by what Society thinks is better AND people tend to make choices based on how Society will view the choice. :) )
I totally agree that we seldom follow our heart's inclinations.
DeleteIt used to be tough to gauge a person effectively in the arranged marriages of yore--not difficult to put up an act for an hour or two.
Today girls and boys have a better chance to judge each other but yes their choice can go haywire if the considerations mentioned by you are given weightage.
Its a very debatable point...I wish was it was as simple as possible.In my opinion,it is all pre destined.
ReplyDeleteThat is it
Predestined?Difficult to say :(
DeletePertinent points. Though most youngsters are aware and willing to discuss, I am not sure how many talk about medical issues.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the chemistry overpowers--no?
DeleteI wish each couple in this generation weighs the pros and cons of each of these points and we will see less divorces and failed marriages. But, how many will actually discuss all this stuff? I really wonder
ReplyDeletePremarital counseling is not popular-true.But with the rise in inter-cast and inter-religion marriages it is more necessary than ever.
DeleteLove
Indu ji
ReplyDeleteall those points raised by you are so important and necessary BUT I think still in India marriages are such a Big necessity that parents believe ---ek baar shadi ho jayegi adjust ho jayega sab kuchh --itna achchaa match nahi chhodna chaiye" and ----Thats the whole truth ---itna achchaa ladka / ladki shayd phir nahi mile .
Even in case of councelling you think people will want to take the DECISION of cancelling the marriage ----I doubt --shadi is so important future is insignificant --baad me jo ho ga dekha jayega abhi toh sahadi ho jaye
I hope you understand my point ---for us marriages are made in heaven and Kismat ke aagey kiski chali hai
lots of love and warm regards --its getting cold here and to add to the november weather we have also had rains yesterday
love
rajni
Rajni you are right that we are mostly fatalistic in our thinking and breaking up engagements is out of question for almost all of us.Yes,we think that the couple will adjust after marriage.
DeleteVery few like to consult a counselor but while a boy and girl are dating,they should at least consider such questions before marriage at their own level to minimize future clashes.
Kota is delightfully cool these days but I remember your post about the joys of summer.
Love n hugs.
Thanks Indu ji
Deletefeel elated to think you still remember my post about alwida winter welcome summer ----but the winters too have their thrill and advantages --I love my morning walks these days
thanks for visiting my post Toilet for Babli
lots of love
rajni
Like marriage counselling, pre marital counselling will also soon gain ground here, Indu. But unless there is the most necessary ingredient of give-and-take in any relationship, things are bound to flounder. The assumption that one partner is superior to the other is the root cause for this. As in the past this continues -- with not just the man but also the woman who feels he/she is more superior of the two and proceeds to put down the other. When this aggression gets out of hand, divorce occurs. Looking around I see more of individualism at the cost of co-existence and compromise which don't bode well for marriage, counselling or not.
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel that inter-caste and inter-religion marriages are more successful, since this vital ingredient is present. And also since the two have weighed the pros and cons as you have pointed out before going ahead.
Agree with all you say Zephyr,the ego has assumed gigantic dimensions these days.This feeling of superiority is a killer.
Deletemarriage is one thing where all prudence fails and it happens as destined..I have seen people having a clear idea of what they want and still getting married to person having none of those qualities....
ReplyDeleteBut one thing is very important that once someone marries, they must put in their hundred percent to make it succesful..here also I have seen that some dont give a dime to what happens and then lament
Today if someone is unhappy in a given situation all s/he wants to do is,to make a hasty exit--not considering if s/he will be happier or more frustrated after that.
DeleteIt's the most important decision of life, yet most of us put so little thought before we say yes. Like they say 'marry in haste, repent at leisure'.
ReplyDeleteCertainly it is the most important decision of life and some of us are too confused at that time to make a wise choice.
DeleteIt is the mismatch between expectations and reality which frustrates one.
ReplyDeleteVery true, Induji.
ReplyDeleteDiscussions ought to be there.
These days, there are lots of issues & divorces...
Counselling before can help solve...
Glad you agree with me Anita :)
DeleteLots of love.
These days, around half of all marriages end in divorce.
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