This is the concluding part.If you want to start at the beginning please go here.
As I had guessed,Jagan came next time and confessed that he had been unable to get his gf out of his system.They communicated through common friends and she urged him to wait for her.He requested me to give him some practical suggestions to help him forget her.The poor boy was trying but his hormones were getting the better of him.He also wanted a medicine to calm his mind.I sent him to a homeopath who claimed that he could ease this sort of nervous tension.
As I had guessed,Jagan came next time and confessed that he had been unable to get his gf out of his system.They communicated through common friends and she urged him to wait for her.He requested me to give him some practical suggestions to help him forget her.The poor boy was trying but his hormones were getting the better of him.He also wanted a medicine to calm his mind.I sent him to a homeopath who claimed that he could ease this sort of nervous tension.
Regarding the scene at home,he disclosed that his father did not scold him directly but he took out his anger on his mother and sister.This too perturbed Jagan.
We had two sessions in the same vein and then his board exams arrived. Jagan did not contact me after that.I tried to follow up a number of times but his father had sold off his mobile,so I was completely in dark as to what was happening in his life.
Then one fine day after eleven months,Jagan arrived with a (male) friend in tow.He had failed the last board exams in Maths and Chemistry.Now again his exams were only a month away.He had broken off with his gf.He told me that he had prepared hard enough to get 60--70 % but his mother nagged him relentlessly.It culminated in long fights wherein he would pull his hair,bang his head and so on.When the news reached his father he would explode 'I will burn this house,all of us will die.'Jagan was at his wits' end.Then he said something which alarmed me--that he felt like jumping into Chambal river.
As his parents had been incommunicado since long, I made a home visit the same day.I told his mother that Jagan was trying but her persecution was in fact spoiling his chances and giving him a lot of stress.I requested her to just let him study undisturbed.She acquiesced.
Soon after this Jagan's board exams followed and he stopped coming to Sahyog.I rang up his father after about five months,when the results had been announced.He was very happy with Jagan's result.About other issues,he said that there had been a small problem but he had resolved it.Obviously this was the end of our association.
Today that young immature boy must be 28 yrs old.I wonder if he has found his feet,what he is doing and if they form a harmonious family today.I certainly hope that he has got over his suicidal tendencies.
Often when a youngster is brought to me for behavior problems I find that the parents too,need extensive counseling.It is not lack of education alone which leads to faulty parenting.The parents might be facing other stressful situations or they could be too abrasive and aggressive by nature.But it is the child who bears the brunt.Whatever his mistakes,he should never be made to feel that he is not loved.
As his parents had been incommunicado since long, I made a home visit the same day.I told his mother that Jagan was trying but her persecution was in fact spoiling his chances and giving him a lot of stress.I requested her to just let him study undisturbed.She acquiesced.
Soon after this Jagan's board exams followed and he stopped coming to Sahyog.I rang up his father after about five months,when the results had been announced.He was very happy with Jagan's result.About other issues,he said that there had been a small problem but he had resolved it.Obviously this was the end of our association.
Today that young immature boy must be 28 yrs old.I wonder if he has found his feet,what he is doing and if they form a harmonious family today.I certainly hope that he has got over his suicidal tendencies.
Often when a youngster is brought to me for behavior problems I find that the parents too,need extensive counseling.It is not lack of education alone which leads to faulty parenting.The parents might be facing other stressful situations or they could be too abrasive and aggressive by nature.But it is the child who bears the brunt.Whatever his mistakes,he should never be made to feel that he is not loved.
THAT, indeed, is the problem, isn't it? That most people are not equipped to manage other people AND parenting willy-nilly thrusts people management on you. The added issue is that most parents of children with problems think that the problem is with the child and they have done no wrong. THAT, indeed, must be the most difficult part of what you do - convincing the parents that THEY need to change too.
ReplyDeleteYou got to the hub of the trouble.These problems are multiplying today because parents are busier and the cushion of joint families too,is no longer there :( .
ReplyDeleteAnd also, children are brought into the world even before the couple is comfortable with each other. With the result that the child suffers the trauma of a bitter relationship between the parents. I read somewhere that a child's subconscious is fully formed by the time it is 4 and half years old. And during that period it has formed a self opinion, which is negative in strife-torn families. The low self esteem then continues to plague him as an adult too. As you say, the cushion of a joint family is perhaps the best as there are others who offer solace to the child. I am sure Jagan is doing well :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't it sad that a child should be saddled with negativity at such a young age?But sparring couples have a tough time controlling their own emotions.
DeleteThanks for this input Zephyr.
Love n hugs.
Parenting is tough terrain Indu. One can easily go wrong . A conscious effort and regular retrospection would help a lot I think .
ReplyDeleteVery true Jaish.
DeleteI am so happy that ultimately he came out...I see so many things going hay wire in so many families but dont know what to...because in your own family nobody listens to you :)
ReplyDeleteThere you are 100 per cent correct---ghar ka jogi jogra--as they say.Little value is attached to a family elder's advice.
DeleteAnd if we intercede between two family members ,one will be quick to call us prejudiced :-(
Nice comment Renu,it makes you think.
parents dont have time for children..Economic pressures have made both parents part of an earning machine at the cost of future of their kids.
ReplyDeleteWhat has made it it worse is the diminishing size of the family while joint family system has disappeared
You are bang on Chowla ji.
DeleteMy parents had the whole time for myself, but even then I went through lot of stress in my growing up years and continue to plague me even today.
DeleteAnother thing that sickens me to no end is the blind faith on joint family. In a huge family, the responsibilities of day to day life are so much, that children are hardly given any quality attention. Also if things do not go according to norms, there are many people to say negative things.. In this example - if there were more members in his family(dadi, taoji, taiji, bua) and if most of them were unreasonable, the emotional melo drama of all the members included would have done much more harm...
Simple girl did you share with them what bothered you?It helps to vocalise feelings.
DeleteYou have brought up a valid point--yes this too could happen.But it is also possible that the dadi could have offered him solace so that he did not feel isolated and unloved;or another elder person drilled sense into jagan's head--seeing that his father was not capable of conducting a cool dialogue.
I wonder why Parents treat their children like possessions who need to controlled. They make no effort to understand them and then complain why their own are so distant with them.
ReplyDeleteI hope Jagan has forgiven his parents.
I think basically it is a conflict of values and yes,lack of understanding.
DeleteI hope so too,Purba.
Adaptation to the fast changing social mileu is throwing challenges on every front Emergence of nuclear families in citties, more liberal ways and changing value systems directly impact the upbringing. No easy answers and each situation is different:)
ReplyDeleteYou are right Rahul.
DeleteAll these comments add to my perception.No doubt each situation is different.
Love the ending. Although kids do need to take responsibility for their actions, they are often molded by the parents. If the parents can learn to work with the kids, life would be happier.
ReplyDeleteYou are right a dialogue between the is necessary.Thanks for coming over LL.
DeleteTrue,parents too must be amenable to change.
ReplyDeleteOhhh...Hope that guy has settled well and may be he too thinks of you sometime like you do of him. Parenting is a roller coaster ride.
ReplyDelete
DeleteI had never thought this way,this is so comforting.Thank you Latha.
Yes parenting,esp. today, is definitely not easy.
Love n hugs.
Nice way you resolved the issue. Though it would have been reassuring if you had managed to find out if finally things turned out well.
ReplyDeleteYes the outcome was quite satisfactory.
DeleteKarthik if the client wants a closure then i do not push.