Between a Mother and a Daughter

The other day my daughter asked me a question which set me thinking.She asked me if i had ever discussed my marital problems with my mother.In fact she was convinced that I had not done so & she wanted to know the reason.I was rather surprised at this observation & began to think if it was true.It dawned upon me that she was right--but I could not at once pinpoint why I had not shared my worries with my mom because she was a lovely,loving,kind lady & I loved her dearly.

Like many couples we too had problems in arriving at a workable relationship after marriage.My better half's (BH) attempts to dominate sparked rebellion in me and my criticisms would infuriate him.So it was not smooth sailing all the way--especially when the children were young.

As i pondered over the reasons of my reticence in sharing my troubles with my mom,the whole pattern of life during those days replayed before my eyes.When I got married in 1968 there was no S.T.D.Trunk calls had to be booked for talking to folks in other cities.Suppose I had a tiff with my BH I just could not punch a few numbers and pour my heart out to my mom because trunk calls were tardy,costly & cumbersome.

The only means of communication was a letter but when you are sulking after a hot exchange the last thing you want to do is to sit down & write a letter.By the time I came round to writing a letter, a rapprochement would have taken place & I would have been more benevolently inclined towards my partner.So the question of ranting against poor hubby receded into the background --so much water under the bridge.

Cut to today,where daily phone calls between all dear ones are a norm--including me.When a married daughter is anguished over a development it is natural and normal for her to share it with her mother.She can voice her fears frankly without it being misconstrued.When in doubt,she can ask questions,be reassured and seek solutions.In this way being connected to her mother is a blessing for any daughter.
I did not have this convenience when i was a young married woman but there was an upside to it.I learned to resolve my own troubles & became self-reliant.As a result,i gained strength & climbed a few evolutionary steps.The absence of an instant connection saved me from unduly maligning my poor husband in the heat of the moment.This kept me level-headed & saved our relationship.I could discern where I too, had erred.Had I access to my mother's sympathetic sounds right after a fracas,I could very well have been caught in a vortex of self pity & self righteousness.
I am slowly driving at this--that this constant connectivity has it's pitfalls.When a daughter is aggrieved over a spat with her husband she naturally thinks of talking to her mother about it.If this happens before she has had time to cool down then the mother will sense her pain & come out with sympathetic remarks which could further add fuel to the fire.Or the daughter's outburst may unfairly paint the hubby as an ogre and prejudice her mother against him.Therefore it is more constructive to think things over & cool down before complaining about someone.

Talking to a newly wed daughter needs extra care.I have seen many marriages starting on a wrong footing because the mother eggs on her daughter to brow-beat her husband into fulfilling all her whims-whether right or wrong.I am not talking about gender differences here;but merely stating that it is not wise to overstep the boundary& intrude into a couple's private life--give them a chance to establish their own equation.At the same time a daughter should be assured that her mother will always be there for her.
Today we have so many means of instant communication that it is hard to control oneself whenever the urge to talk to someone strikes us.But like all facilities this one too,needs to be used prudently.