Making Marriage Work

What happens when a true blue,no no,fiery red Arian marries a cool,cool Aquarian? The former is a fire sign while the latter is air.Presumably there will be fireworks.Air will add to fire's potency & the flames will go sky high.Or it could also extinguish it completely.When air adds to fire's vigor is it a good omen?And what if the opposite happens?What transpires in the Arian's mind then?Endless possibilities there.Impossible to predict.Nor could i,when i married my BH--best half,better half, bitter half or bad half--depending on my mood.Therefore let us leave speculation aside & enter the arena right where the shenanigans began.An untold story unfolds:

The journey started on 13th April 1968.Now I know what the grey cells are telling you;but believe me it is a lucky number for some.As I was saying BH was an army officer,belonging to a martial race(see Mars comes in both our resumes),and steeped in the old feudal traditions.Poor me-born & brought up in New Delhi,believing in the equality of genders!I had never been to Punjab ,while his home town was Gurdaspur.But that was nothing compared to the nitty-gritties which drove us.

I was nothing if not frank,while BH could never say things outright.This used to infuriate me no end-not that it served any purpose.I was rather impetuous,impatient & impulsive,but you could never catch him off- guard.He would react to everything at his own pace.If we came across any hurdle you would find me all worked up,but BH,he was made of steel.As cool as--I don't know;can't think of anyone as cool as him.I could go on & on,recounting the dissimilarities between us, but I don't want to bore you to death;or risk you leaving my blog for ever& ever.

Anyhow,three things saved us from falling apart:one,he was & is a perfect gentleman;second,I had been cautioned by my parents never to answer back;& third,I was,and still am,scared of fights & acrimony.My home has to be peaceful at all costs.In this way we began to tread on thin ice underlaid with mysterious landmines.

The biggest fetish that BH has is,his hatred for criticism-his own of course.He doesn't mind criticizing me! Now I am a fanatic for system & order while he--er let it go.Add to this my compulsion to call a spade a spade & you can imagine the outbursts which never failed to surprise me whenever I pointed out a mistake on his part.Similarly,he does not like anyone giving him advice.Now I don't have this vice-of giving advice right,left & center;but sometimes in favor of the family's good,it does become necessary to do so.I was foolish enough to embark on this path in the initial fiascoes,but now whenever I have this urge I couch my thoughts in the form of a question--like"Do you think it is healthy to eat a parantha for breakfast every day?Should we try something else?"I have also learnt to wrap up my critiques in palatable casings.Like,if I want to tell him to walk up straight I will instead praise so & so for his erect posture.I can see instantaneous results without any rancor.

He has another quaint habit:he expects me to agree with everything he says.Or rather expected me to;because after umpteen face-offs,this characteristic is finally on the wane.The clashes on this front were inevitable & numerous;because no matter what the topic of discussion,our views were invariably contradictory & I could not,for the life of me,pretend to agree with what I did not believe in.I am relieved that today we have fewer spats on this account.

It is really strange that in every possible way my opinions,convictions & predilections are diametrically opposed to his.Whenever small odd jobs like changing a tube light,fixing a tap or an errant toaster,need to be done;he will pick up the phone & outsource it to someone.On the other hand my first choice is to try & do it myself.Anyhow this is not such a bad habit because he does keep our home in good functioning order.

I often complain that he does not help me in household work but he is tops when it comes to filling my kitchen,fridge & pantry with all sorts of goods & goodies.He has also taken it upon himself to water the plants in our garden,fill up the room coolers & overhead tanks ,& also take out water from the Aqua guard .But apart from this,no one has ever seen him sullying his hands with any household chore.

Money matters could be a vile bone of contention between any couple but our roles are strictly demarcated.He has to earn & I have to spend.See-no overlapping or ambiguity here!I must admit that till date he has never refused me anything.But I too have never made any exorbitant demands; except for the setting up & running of Sahyog,this computer that I am working on,& a few diamonds here and there. Sahyog reminds me,though our ideas differ on so many things,he has stood staunchly behind me,in so far as the activities concerned with this mission of mine are concerned.Without his  support this would not have been possible.

Food is another risky area.Well I am not much of a cook but he,cute soul,gulps whatever is given to him.I am sure he would have even cooked for me-if only he knew where the kitchen was!

What else-yes our temperaments-now this really demanded hard labor.We were both very hot-headed to begin with but BH has brought about a colossal change in himself.I too manage to keep my temper in check.As far as being diplomatic is concerned,I have the best guru at home & am learning by & by.Whenever I am stimulated rather dangerously,I look at him to see how he is taking it,& then I simmer down.No harm done!

My BH is a devout disciple of Lord Shiva & Lord Hanuman but I believe more in Arya Samaj.I am not much into rituals,pilgrimages & visits to temples because I think God is omnipresent.Today he too agrees silently with my convictions.Celebration of any special day in our house is now done through a simple yagna.I really appreciate this change in him.

He is an inveterate creature of habit.Everything in his life must follow the same fixed routine.On the other hand I thrive on change.Whether it is the decor of the house,or my routine,or my hobbies;I tire of the sameness.Therefore I must push the furniture around every now & then.It was very perplexing for him in the beginning but he accepted it as a necessary evil.Not a murmur of protest ever escaped his lips.I tell you this is a big sacrifice on his part.

As i near the end of this post I myself am amazed as to how we have stuck together despite so many incompatibilities.Initially the rough protrusions of our personalities jarred raucously,resulting in friction & frustration for both of us;but we carried on.The thought of divorce never crossed our minds.Today,with the wisdom of so many years of married life behind me,I realize that we had two options:either we took umbrage at every collision;or just let it zoom over our heads & ponder how to avoid it in future.Thankfully,we chose the second option.

Some say that a human being's basic nature never changes but I say that it can,& should be moulded to suit the circumstances.But of course both the partners ought to make efforts to meet halfway.The love which results from living together over many years,grows strong because it comes after mutual acceptance of the other person's faults.After this transpires, life begins to flow smoothly & we even begin to love the other person's idiosyncrasies!What better way to end this post than with this quote:

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. 

Mignon McLaughlin