What Is Your Special Characteristic ?

We meet countless people in our life-time in as many circumstances and at as many places.Some,we forget immediately,or soon after,but but some leave an indelible imprint on our heart or brain.It is not even as if we have a strong relationship with them.Even chance-encounters can have that effect.In a previous post titled  "When Strangers Leave Pleasant Memories" I recounted a few incidents where random remarks of strangers are still fresh in my mind,even after decades.Perhaps they revealed an outstanding characteristic of those persons.

This leads to the main subject of this post.What is it in a person's behaviour which tags along whenever we think of that person?Which characteristic is his/her special feature?One which sticks to them in our memory?For example a friend of mine is mostly very reserved,quiet and a loner.It sticks to her like the bindi on her forehead.Yet another one is friendly and gregarious.A meeting with her will pep you up for hours.Another acquaintance of mine is the exact opposite-always moaning about her health or life-conditions.One more,whom I often encounter asks endless personal,irrelevant questions.No wonder people shun her at first sight.

Now to the next subject-what is your special characteristic-one which sticks to you in others' mind?Can you come up with a quick answer?So difficult,no?I myself don't know how you all remember me.It is difficult to answer this question,but if I did,I could take a step or two to improve myself.Do you all ever ponder about this?Do let me know.

A Tear-Straight From The Heart

 It would be worth my while to die,

If I could see a tear in your eye.

A token of love fom you at last,

To smoothen all the hurts of past.

 

A touch of sigh,for the days gone by,

A tinge of sorrow,for a different tomorrow.

A bit of regret, to make you fret.

A heartfelt pain?No I hope in vain.

You so cold,so aloof, so serene;

could there be a current of warmth unseen?

Was there a glance which pierced your armour?

And then forever usurped your ardour?

You do well to remain in  supreme disdain,

Of feelings humane,pleasure or pain.

Slowly I find I become one of your kind,

Though embers do glow underneath the rime.

This grip of melancholy now holds me like a vice,

And the vigour of life slowly turns to ice.

This is a crossroad-I have to decide,

Was I born to live or cast like a dice?

Though the swell is past and waters abate,

Why emulate what I fervently hate?

This would surely be the worst kind of treason,

To desert myself in the fall of the season?

Oh God forbid that there should be a day,

When my own tranquility should cause me dismay.

When love's gentle call would no more enthrall

Cause if I gave all I would also loose all?

When timid overtures would no more reach.

The inner space all gone to seed.

Therefore I say God let me die,

PERHAPS I could see a tear in his eye.

Personalities and Principles

 Yesterday I and my BH hired an auto to go to the mall.As we were passing by a long flyover I noticed that all the spans underneath were chock-full of two-wheelers,motorcycles mostly.I drew my husband's attention towards it but before he could even look at it our driver came out with a startling comment.He  blurted"Today people are killing themselves with sky-high aspirations.This generation is different from the older one; it has no respect or consideration  for human beings.Money is all that matters to them."

I was totally flabbergasted to hear these words coming from the mouth of a youngster-as well dressed and uptodate as any other youth we see around us.I could never have expected him to harbor such sentiments.The whole incident seemed  oxymoronic to us.

But upon thinking more about this incident I realized that people can have qualities which their looks or personalities do not portray.Then how fair is it to judge a human being after a single association?

But we are always doing it aren't we?Mostly it is quite fruitful. It tells us which one to befriend and which one to avoid. A kind of defence mechanism. But at the same time we should take care to prevent our prejudices from controlling us.What do you  think?

 

Personality Traits Which Are a Risk Factor For #Anxiety or #Depression

#Mental Disorders are on the rise,the most common being  Anxiety and Depression.Unfortunately these are much maligned and nebulous ailments.Many victims suffer in silence and seek no treatment because of their own reticence or the stigma attached to these disorders.The causes vary from environmental,genetic and medical factors to an imbalance in brain chemistry or hormones.

Looking at it from another perspective we can say that certain personality traits too can predispose one to a mental disorder.These traits may not be harmful in themselves but when combined with a serious problem or a critical situation they can generate excessive anxiety.Hence it is best to keep them in check.

• Overthinking Overthinking about any prospect,person,relationship or incident confuses the mind by  generating unreasonable doubts and suspicions which give rise to Anxiety.
• Cognitive Distortions :What's more,overthinking can easily lead to " A cognitive distortion — and there are many — is an exaggerated pattern of thought that’s not based on facts. It consequently leads you to view things more negatively than they really are."They  come in many garbs.Here are a few examples.Filtering, when a person remembers only the negative aspects of an experience,forgetting the good part.Maximization and minimization when he magnifies a problem and minimizes his own ability to solve it.Black and White Thinking,where he would judge even a moderate situation as a bad one because only the perfect one will do. Catastrophic thinking, which denotes  predicting dire outcomes at the onset of any development,the prophecies being negative as well as irrational.Obviously, these habits can become a breeding ground for anxiety.Then we have Overgeneralisation in which we take a single incident to represent the whole cycle. 
•  Introversion :This causes anxiety in many ways.Generally introverts do not like to meet people or talk to them.As a result they do not share their worries or problems with anyone.Catharsis is a tall order for them.They spend a lot of time condemning their own habits and  ruminating about past follies or future challenges.Naturally this increases their anxiety. 
• Pessimism.A pessimist views the world through dark glasses.Every turn of events is accompanied by a fear that it is going to be inimical for him.These fears accumulate and then transform into Anxiety.He even appraises a beneficial change as not so good or just a chance happening.No wonder he finds little  to be happy about.
• Emotionalism versus Rationalism.In the face of a crisis highly emotional people are so overwhelmed by their emotions that finding a solution and working towards it becomes difficult.This prolongs their anxiety.Rationals can better manage their troubles.
• Inferiority Complex is another possible cause of frequent bouts of tension.A person who believes he is not as fit,smart,intelligent or efficient as others around him fails to find peace. 

It is easy to see that one's personality and behavior patterns can either enable one to fight his way out of  troubles or push him into the dark chambers of  a #Mental  Disorder.So many things come in to play.An individual's past life and his rearing matter a lot.If his life till date has been spent in fighting against odds and finding a space for himself,  he might have the resilience and the confidence that he has done it before and he can do it again when things go wrong.On the other hand another misfortune knocking at his door could dishearten someone else completely.He may decide that he is totally exhausted and cannot do it again.

#Mental Strength and a #Positive attitude have a big role to play in  the sphere of mental disorders.Being grateful for what we have and optimistic for what may come in future helps a lot.It is best to remember that whatever happens,happens for the best.

Excerpt taken from PsychCentral.com 

The Golden Mean

We all wish that others should admire us,hold us in high esteem.An upright, likable image is conducive to success and happiness too.But which are the attributes that can help us attain such an image?A clear cut picture in our minds of the things to be done and those to be avoided will surely make things easier.

Great thinkers and philosophers of many religions have advocated the adoption of a golden mean to lead a happy and successful life.In other words avoiding extremes of any kind is the best way to be.

At every step in life we are required to pick options.Other than the common place choices there are some issues which require well thought out decisions.These decisions determine  our personality as well as the course of our lives.

Take the question of Achievement,of chasing tall targets, surpassing everybody on the radar.Work yourself to the bone,shelve rest,obviate all kinds of  diversions and you may one day find that you are so alone at the pinnacle.All that labor has not given you the desired results.

On the other hand,take life easy,go with the flow,avoid challenging tasks and you will one day realize that you have stagnated and not made enough use of your talents and abilities.

Swimming with the tide is easy and comfortable while pushing against the current can be exhausting.But what of the euphoria you feel when you have conquered an opposing force and reached your desired destination?

Making such choices should follow a deep analysis of one's needs and abilities,plus the tendency to avoid extremes.

Take the case of Amiability.Everybody wants to be loved and accepted by others. Close,loving relationships make life livable.In order to sustain them we sometimes give in to unreasonable demands or allow others to encroach upon our territory.But if we make it a habit to give in in order to be liked and accepted,we could end up being trodden all over.  

On the other hand if we religiously nullify others'attempts to dominate us we are likely to be labeled as unfriendly and uncooperative.

Dwelling at any end of the spectrum will besmirch our personality.The golden mean is the best choice.

Forgiveness is another tendency which requires careful thought.Whenever we are deceived by any one a natural reaction is to give tit for tat or plan revenge.But as Gautam Buddha said:When you hold a burning coal in your hand to throw it on someone it is you who get hurt.

Fine,but whom,how often,and for which kind of wrong to forgive?This is a nebulous zone.Going for full throttle vengeance makes us a negative person while forgiving unthinkingly can attract further invasions.Neither extreme is desirable.

Courage is another quality which should not be taken to the extreme.Too much of it will make us foolhardy and too little shall label us as being a coward.

Related to this is the matter of  Self-confidence,neither extreme of which is desirable.

Come to think of it:an extreme of any kind is counter-productive.A sense of balance in our endeavors as well as our reactions will give best results.

A Four Fold Path to #Happiness

We all want to be happy.All our activities are designed towards that end.Yet this elusive state of mind sometimes fails to oblige.Scientists say that there is an inbound capacity for happiness in every human being.Our observations too,affirm that some people are always brimming with joy while some others are generally morose and pessimistic.Events which the former would have taken in their stride are sometimes given by latter as the cause of their despondence.

I think our personal attributes-in addition of course to our life experiences- play a major role in deciding whether we are happy or miserable.Let me share with you four habits which,if incorporated,will enable us to maintain a cool state of mind even when things do not go our way.Here goes:---

Adopt a rational attitude towards life: 
Life is never static,it keeps moving-and changing.We are effused with joy one day and down in the dumps the next.When misfortune comes after a good phase it causes a lot of heartache.But we fail to realize that everybody has to go through both kinds of experiences and we are not someone special that we should be spared the thorns and showered with roses.

We can not,and should not expect the good times to last for ever.That would be unreasonable as well as insidious,because what we expect from life,what we think we ought to have been blessed with but are not getting;is enough to leave us disgruntled and unhappy even when things are pretty good by any standard.Reasonable expectations protect us from breaking down at every minor or moderate disappointment.  

Be Flexible:
Life has a mind of its own.It will not follow a script written by you.An ambitious project could bite dust,a new relationship may turn out to be the opposite of what you had expected,a dear one could pass away or a disease may change your lifestyle for ever.Disappointments pop up unannounced and one has to rebuild ones life around them.If a cherished dream fails to actualize replace it with something which has better chances of fructifying,nurture a fresh one.  

Flexibility alone can help you to accept the inevitable and forge a way of adapting to the new scene.Look for the positive aspects of a challenging situation.See how you can use them to your advantage and carry on with hope and enthusiasm.

Curtail Overthinking and Rumination:
Cogitating about each and everything fills the mind with a quagmire of doubts,suspicions,worries and fears:Not a happy condition,you will agree.Overthinking creates problems where none exist.It blocks action and can even spoil your relationships by generating unjustifiable biases about others. 

Ruminating about an existent problem or a recent fiasco is beneficial only to the extent that it assists you to find a solution.If carried on indefinitely,it unleashes a whirlwind of negative emotions which deepen anxiety.If you want to be happy curtail overthinking and rumination.

Practice Gratitude:
There is no denying the fact that some people have little cause for cheer in their lives.It could even be a prolonged phase for some.Happiness would be a tall order for them.But we all have to make the best use of what has been given to us in order to conserve our mental health.One way of doing this is to think of the positive features of our lives.This could be in the form of a good relationship,a roof over our heads,an able body,a sound mind,or that competence to fight against odds and yet keep whole.None of these can be devalued.A feeling of gratitude for the blessings we enjoy prevents the picture from becoming blackish grey.It mitigates anxiety.

We cannot control what life throws at us but we can construct a kind of buffer against those volleys and minimize their ill effects.

Seven Tips For Dealing With An Acrimonious Kin

We come across people of various kinds during this sojourn called life.We try to shake off those who are acrimonious,inimical or downright offensive,but what if such a person-friend,relative or colleague-cannot be avoided and the relationship cannot be terminated?Such people do crop up sometimes and they ruin our peace of mind.I think the only alternative left for safeguarding our own serenity is to modify our own behavior so that these encounters do not cross the line of decency-at least from our side,and preferably from both sides.

The other day I was feeling very sad because of the behavior of one such person(let me call her P )and a plethora of inconsiderate, rude and aggressive acts on her part came rushing to my mind.It made me cry.I gave vent to tears to cleanse my mind and sat down with an excellent cup of tea to divert myself.After a while the tsunami of hurt sentiments subsided and I became my rational self once again.

Why was I so anguished?This was not the first time that it had happened.All those ghosts from the past testified to it.P was the same old person and I too was the same old Indu.If I had taken it in the past I could take it in the future too.In fact I should have been immune to it by now because what cannot be cured has to be endured.In order to manage such an imbroglio more smoothly next time,I decided to write a rule-book for such occasions.Here goes:-

1. Perhaps P's behavior stems from her own insecurity or a well concealed inferiority complex which compels her to belittle me so that she can feel superior.
2. Maybe she is annoyed about her life conditions and I just happened to cross her path at a touchy moment.
3. I must not inflame the situation by giving a sharp retort.A brief neutral remark should be enough.
4. When ever possible I shall introduce a touch of humor to lighten the ambiance,taking care not to instigate her in any way.
5. I should allow time to pass before encountering her again so that both of us have recovered our composure by then.
6. It is important to recall the instances when she has been helpful to me.After all she does mean something to me,or I would have broken the tie long back.
7. I will also stiffen my back ,analyse if I have in any way encouraged/allowed her to encroach my space.

I strongly believe that our life is a learning process.Even such individuals serve a very useful purpose:they stimulate us to grow,to learn,to acquire new skills and evolve;as I have done--become more tolerant and empathetic after associating with her.So the next time you come across a vituperative person,don't fret and fume;be thankful that s/he is helping you to evolve,become a better person. 

Playing The Victim

Being a victim is no fun.We all know that.Yet some people do self-victimize.They blame external factors for their troubles and failures,proclaim to all that they are victims of circumstances or others' machinations and refuse to take responsibility for the way their life is going.

We can divide them into two categories.First we have genuine victims who have low self worth and a weak fighting spirit.Perhaps their early experiences or their genetic make up are responsible for this,but it does make them easy targets of predators.You will find them whining but making no attempts to fight against those who victimize them.They firmly believe that they are destined to live like this for ever.They may repeatedly get into abusive relationships and do nothing to protect themselves,whereas they should be setting boundaries and asserting themselves. The truth is,they enjoy the care and sympathy which is bestowed upon them because of their sorry state.They tend to go overboard with self pity.

The second kind should better be known as manipulators who will use their sob stories to influence others' thoughts,feelings and actions.In fact they are out to manipulate others in the garb of a victim.They bank on others' altruistic feelings to get what they want.

Or they may play the victim to justify their abuse of others.Some shirks project a picture of "poor old me" so that the most cumbersome tasks are shouldered by others while they enjoy an easy life.But these tactics have a short life.Eventually people see through them and leave them to their own devices-or to pick up other gullible souls.     

In fact playing the victim is not productive for anyone.Even if you are the first kind you cannot advance in life if you are always harping upon your bad luck.Your public image will be that of a weakling who is for ever lamenting about this or that.You will lead a substandard,lonely life,your potential undiscovered.

And as far as the second kind is concerned, this kind of manipulation is detected very soon.It is enough to push away friends and family and you are on your own after that.What's more,you will also be labeled as a selfish,conniving exploiter.

How to deal with the self-victimizers?On one hand it is inhuman to ignore someone who is going through a bad phase,on the other hand, that someone could be faking it to con you.Besides,giving empathetic support has a shelf life.It can be very draining.You cannot interminably listen to some one's complaints without neglecting your own schedules or being distressed yourself.A better approach is to guide the real victims to see how they are neglecting their own safety and welfare,and support them while they fight their demons.

Self-victimization is antithetical to a  rich fulfilling life.It deprives the 'victims' of the joy of victory,of overcoming hurdles and making progress.It only gives them temporary solace,self pity,stagnation and derision in return.Ultimately it boils down to this:-

Why play it then?

How To Feel Important

So you want to feel more important?Here are some tricks-culled from my own experience.Put them in practice and you will be the guiding star of your group and the rage of any party.

*If you have been invited to a birthday party,kitty party or a marriage ceremony-be late.Late enough for people to start wondering"Where is Indu?What happened?Hope she is O.K."And then you sashay in."Sorry,sorry.Extremely sorry.A friend came up with a problem and I just had to help her out." 

*Alternatively,prepare to leave a gathering while all else are present and explain in loud terms that you have been invited to another 'do' and they will be highly disappointed if you don't make an appearance.

*Another savvy tip:If an acquaintance is having trouble getting something done from the local administration or a politician promise to help him out.Now he begins to chase you.Extend sweet honey dipped excuses and keep the hope (as well as )the chase alive.

*The surest way of gathering people around you is to fall sick-no,not very seriously but enough to have them asking about your welfare,giving advice and doing small jobs for you.What is slight exaggeration and a dose of histrionics to be fussed over and talked about? 

*Talk,talk,talk.About your connections,your achievements,your skills and your likes and dislikes.

*Facebook friends are far more numerous than real ones and it imperative to shine in that galaxy if you wish to feel important.Show off a trendy dress as soon as you buy it.Don't forget to post a selfie if you are travelling by air or snacking at a high end eatery.And what about the sumptuous dishes which you cook?Show them those too.Every little bit counts.And yes,you cannot become a VIP without liking every update and being liked in return-in astronomical figures.

Come to think of it-why am I doling out these nuggets?I hardly get any likes.Mine is a gone case-damaged beyond repair.What the heck!I too want to feel important.So please like and respond.

The Luminaries

Some people have all the luck.They are truly blessed.Not a single incongruous note in the lyrical symphony of their lives.I have often looked wistfully at them and wished for a perfect life like theirs.But almost immediately I chastise myself.How do I know what transpired before that star touched the zenith?More importantly,who knows what the future holds for them? After all a high tide cannot stay high for ever,it has to come down.

Why this happens is food for thought.Is it destiny or mere rotation of the wheel of life?It could even be mere negligence or mishandling of lady luck's boons. Attaining an iconic status is not easy.It requires hard work and vision.But even after reaching the pinnacle one's metier has to be safeguarded wisely:from self as well as jealous rivals.

The self is the first wall of defense against a downfall.Many luminaries have come to a sorry end because of their own imperfections. They topple to the ground when their luck runs out.

  Causes of Downfall

Corruption

Corruption is rampant in our country.From politicians,bureaucrats and big business men to the humble peon,at every level you will come across people who strive to grab more than they are entitled to.The higher the strata the greater the loot.We do not know how many escape unscathed but some,like Suresh Kalmadi,A Raja and Lalu Prasad Yadav are finally caught and sent to jail.What a dire contrast to their earlier,opulent lifestyles!

The immense power which politicians wield propels them to subvert the law and milk their status to rake up as much wealth as they can.Unfortunately,with their cohorts shielding them to the best of their ability,many escape the net and must still be at large..

Exploitation

When someone is recognized as an ace in his calling,he sometimes regards his juniors as lesser beings and exploits them without any compunction. MJ Akbar,a minister in the central government,used his clout to satisfy his carnal desires.He had to resign from his post after intense public humiliation.

There are many,many more of this kind,but why go deeper in this filth?

Illegal Activities

It is not corruption or sexual exploitation alone which can turn a lucky spell into a sorry phase. Some icons break the law nonchalantly,thinking no one would dare to question them. Sanjay Dutt did just that and had to spend many years in jail for buying an illegal weapon from a known terrorist.

Arrogance

An elite family background and powerful connections embed in some people a conviction that they have special rights and privileges and this misperception one day brings them crashing down from their high horse.Remember how Manu Sharma,born in an affluent family with strong political connections,blew it all when he murdered Jessica Lal for refusing to serve him liquor? He was sentenced to life imprisonment after a huge public outcry and media pressure. 

Personal Failings

Having loads of cash in hand is temptation enough for some to splurge it on their pet fancies:profligacy,alcoholism or drug abuse have left many Bollywood actors penniless.How painful it must be,to be reduced to a near beggar like state after having been idolized by millions.

How much does one need to live a comfortable life?There can be no definite answer to this.The higher you go the more zeroes you will add to the figure.But why do those who belong to the top echelons,who are virtually rolling in wealth,deploy questionable tactics to extract more or satisfy illegitimate desires?

In doing this,they even lose the amenities they once enjoyed;well not always-the judicial system being what it is-but the risk is always there.Had they been more ethical,content,and law abiding;they could have enjoyed a longer,more satisfying innings.What's more,they would have been acclaimed for their integrity.But no,insatiable greed overcomes every other consideration.

As Benjamin Franklin said, "It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation, and only one bad one to lose it."

Image and quote from google search.

#Histrionic Personality Disorder

There are three kinds of people:those who are happy in their own selves and merge into the background even if surrounded by people,those who like company but can also do without it,and those who are happy only when they are the center of attention in any group or gathering.

The last,as you might have guessed,is the histrionic personality.Mostly it is women who fall in this category.All activities of a histrionic female are designed to attract attention and adulation.

She uses her physical appearance to achieve this end.She is always spic and span, immaculately dressed.Her speech is highly theatrical and emotionally charged.She is capable of paying false compliments and making never-to-be-kept promises in order to increase her fan-following.She professes lofty ideals to gain approval but ultimately turns out to be shallow and unreliable.

She is emotionally unstable,extremely self-centered and callous of others' emotions.She is quick to spot competition and will lose no time in undermining her rival or indulging in melodrama to grab eyeballs.In order to safeguard her reign she may even choose to hang out with those who pose no threat to her supremacy.

Her behavior is often inappropriately seductive and voluptuous.She is cheerful and charming,and it is easy to see why people are drawn to her.They are impressed by her charm and she believes she enjoys strong relationships.But when the veneer fades she loses her credibility.As people spot the real person underneath,they slowly distance themselves:making way for the next bunch of gullible souls. 

Dealing with a histrionic personality is very taxing.How long can you continue to feed someone's ego and overlook her lies and underhand ways?The best way is to recognize her tactics and save yourself from being walked over.Walk out if you can but if she is a family member,this too is not possible.All you can do is,avoid being manipulated by her and ignore the spurious stuff. 

It is not easy to be a shining star 24/7.Why does she do it?Maybe early abuse and neglect set her off on this road.Perhaps there is an inner insecurity and not enough confidence in her own worth.She finds it only through others' validation.It is quite pathetic actually.Her life is very glitzy on the outside but inside?Only she knows.

Experts tell us that this is a lifelong condition-it is not possible to cure it.But Talk Therapy can offer relief.An histrionic female may feel depressed but even then she is not likely to seek therapy unless a major life support crumbles.In extreme cases she may indulge in suicidal threats or behavior to grab attention.It is up to those who are close to her,to persuade her to seek psychotherapy.It can ease their predicament to some extent.

Do you know  any histrionic personality closely?Which other characteristics did you spot in her?And how do you deal with her?

"The exact cause of histrionic personality disorder is unknown. Scientists believe it is an outcome of both environmental and genetic factors."
https://www.healthline.com/health/histrionic-personality-disorder#causes

Image courtesy google search.

The #Confrontationists :And how to deal with them

If like me you too abhor confrontations,then this is for you.From the time I can remember,I have disliked aggression,domination,accusations,showdowns,acrimony-and even debates.But I have come across people whose only way of communicating is to oppose others.They will not forego any opportunity to butt in with a contradiction to prove you wrong or  hold you responsible for whatever has gone wrong.

What do you do when you are face-to-face with such a person?Keeping quiet after he has had his say shrivels your ego and undermines your public image.But you don't want to be rude or spark long debates.Moreover,answering back requires the knack of serving quick,sharp retorts,which everybody may not be good at.What if you give a smart reply and are silenced with a smarter one?It is not easy to out-smart a confrontational person.

However,learning the best way to deal with such people is essential to conserve one's sanity and safety.How,and to which degree you react depends upon who the aggressor is.A confrontationist could belong to either of the following three categories:

1-Strangers
2-Close Interpersonal relationships
3-Acquaintances or colleagues

A Stranger

When an unknown person accosts you belligerently:beware.He could be a drunkard or a psychopath or simply someone in a terrible mood.Since he has targeted you without any provocation,he is either boiling with rage or not fully there.Make sure you are safe first.Be alert to his movements:has he increased his pace?Are there any signs of violence?Decide what you will do if the situation deteriorates. Whom can you call for help? The best course is to just nod and move away.As soon as possible.

Intimate or close relationships

Aggressive behavior of close friends or relatives is the most tormenting of all.They are the ones from whom you expect support, cooperation and empathy,but these qualities are rarely seen in dominating individuals.What compounds the problem is:you cannot break free from such relationships.If you did,you would also lose their favorable aspects.

On the other hand if you go on suffering in silence,then one day pent up emotions of anger,resentment and hurt pride will breach the dam to come out in an angry outburst which might even be untimely and out of context to the issue at hand;invoking more ridicule.

My way of averting such a crisis when I have had enough of belittling is,to say calmly when both of us are in a good mood,that this kind of behavior is not good for our relationship and it hurts me terribly.

If the other person is not amenable to my request.I would try to rope in someone whom he holds in high esteem.If even that does not work(it is not likely to have any effect on a narcissist)then I just shrug and tell myself"He is like that only,it is about him and not me.Got to accept the thorn with the roses."

Colleagues and Acquaintances

After the first two categories,dealing with the above is a walk in the park.A thumb rule is to avoid engaging with them unless it is absolutely necessary.It is not possible to avoid an overbearing colleague since you meet him every day but try to maintain a distance between between the two of you because if you are on chatty terms with him his behavior is bound to rile you till one day you give a sharp retort, and that would be the end of a cordial relationship.If you can envisage when he is preparing to aim his broadside at you,make a polite excuse and run away.

Casual,domineering friends can be very irritating.You don't want to dump them but you can also not suffer endlessly.You also don't want to be rude or get into an altercation. If the matter in question is of no import to you,then you can choose one of the frivolous replies given below:
" You think so?"
"Never thought much about it"
"Very interesting"
"Your views are very original"
"I wish I could carry this conversation further but I have to rush now"

Most of the times such answers will do the trick.If not,then a little bit of cold shoulder will help.

But there are occasions when you cannot take the easy way out.Like,when someone encroaches upon your rights or flings false accusations on  you.Then you have to make clear that such behavior is not acceptable.

At the end of the day we have to weigh out the benefits and the disadvantages which entail a relationship and act accordingly.

Violent Ends to Intimate or Personal Relationships

These days more and more intimate/personal relationships are meeting a splattering end.When romance dissipates or is spurned,or infidelity (actual or perceived),strains a relationship;violence sometimes comes rushing in.Why?I guess there must be as many reasons as there are instances,but the bottomline is,that we are very short on tolerance.We cannot take 'no' for an answer.


I wonder  where this kind of reaction stems from.Is it because of a desperation to find a mate by any means?

A colossal lack of self-esteem?A nagging fear that if this proposal is refused,another one won't be coming?

Or is it due to a mammoth ego which cannot bear a rebuttal or the hint of deceit?

Perhaps those who resort to violence had a very gruesome past and know no other way of reacting to rejection.

Or it could be due to the rush of anger,an inability to control oneself during a barrage of emotions.

Or else the culprit modelled himself/herself on violent,aggressive members of his/her family.

Alcohol and drugs too can result in poor coping skills ending in violence in face of denial.

Then there are certain psychological conditions like narcissism,antisocial personality disorder,psychopathy or brain damage,which predispose a person to aggression or violence.


Whatever be the reason,it is imperative to be able to spot the red flags early in the day.If you are in a new alliance try to find out about that person's antecedents like where his homeplace is,how long he has been living at the current address,where his family is,what kind of friends he has,and what happened to his earlier relationships,if any.

Everybody is on perfect behavior in the initial stages of a relationship but as time passes and familiarity increases,some danger signals become apparent.Therefore be vigilant.Watch that person's body-language for any clues--the clenched fists,a grim jaw,narrow eyes,a hostile expression,an abrupt full stop during a conversation--it could be anything.Body-language precedes incriminations,insults or physical and verbal abuse.Shouting and swearing could denote the first rungs of violent behavior.Possessiveness,jealousy,excessive interrogation also spell danger.

Psychopaths especially are known for their charming ways.They are adroit manipulators and can easily fool someone.They have scant regard for others emotions and no compunctions in spilling blood.


If you have some doubt about anyones intentions please confide in someone.Maintain a safe distance if you do not want to break off just yet.Avoid going to lonesome places and keep a pepper spray handy.

If you find yourself in the company of an agitated,aggressive,intoxicated person don't turn your back towards him.Allow him to vent out his aggression through speech.Don't interrupt him and don't argue.Keep an escape route open.See if a nearby object can help you to shield yourself from the attacker.

However,it is best to steer clear of any precarious situation as soon as possible and take the help of suitable authorities.

You may also like :--

Marital Abuse--The Deadly Tie
http://jeeteraho.blogspot.in/2012/09/a-deadly-tie.html

Image and links courtesy Google search :)

So, Are You Emotional or Logical ?

Some of us-ie,those who are predominantly rational or emotional,will answer this question in a jiffy,but many others will have to think hard in order to find the answer.Most of us possess these two characteristics in varying proportions;except the psychopaths who have bare traces of emotion,and the profoundly mentally retarded who have very little intellectual ability.

The logicians pride themselves on their ability to find their way out of a complex maze.Of any kind.They can assess the pros and cons of any situation and arrive at quick decisions.So much so,that they are rarely caught on the wrong foot.They can easily espy deceit or treachery.

Logic is a very handy tool no doubt,especially when someone is in the midst of an emotional turmoil or a challenging situation.But those who are hard core rationalists need to  be a little more empathetic.This will make their personalities more appealing and wholesome. 

What of the highly emotional people?They are gentle,kind,empathetic,tactful,caring,passionate and more perceptive of others' emotions.They are the ones who will give you emotional support when you need it.

They find it difficult to make decisions,and their inner dialogue intensifies when important issues are at stake.But they often follow their heart's diktat even if their rationality pulls them in the opposite direction.Given their vulnerability,they are more susceptible to disappointments and mental disorders.

The HSP find rationalists hard and uncaring,while the rationalists fail to understand the workings of an 'emotional brain'.It is generally believed that rationality and emotionality are mutually exclusive-that one cannot be rational if one is too emotional,and that,the profoundly logical have few emotions.But recent research informs us that though it is hard to be logical when you are too emotional,you cannot be rational if you are not emotional.

The neurobiologist Francisco Damasio points out that rationality depends upon a deeper system of regulation that consists largely of emotions and feelings. Emotion can disrupt reasoning in certain circumstances, but without emotion there is no reasoning at all. “Traditional cognitive models don’t understand that reduction in emotion may constitute an equally important source of irrational behavior,” Damasio claims.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/fred-kofman/you-cant-be-rational-if-y_b_8517098.html

The ideal situation would be to have a perfect balance between the two.I am sure by now some of you must be wondering where you stand in this duality.So here is a quick test to help you decide:--
Emotional Rational Test-Brain Entertainment

PS:-I think before I look forward to reading your replies to the question posed above,I should divulge what the test revealed about me.I am supposed to be 62% rational and I need to inculcate more emotions in myself.No wonder I have often wondered if my children found me too harsh :(.

The Confrontationist

Most dictionaries define a confrontationist as a person who favors confrontation,esp aggressively.We are sometimes required to confront a misdeed,injustice or a blatant distortion of facts but that would not make us a confrontationist.I would label someone a cofrontationist if s/he always chooses to oppose whatever is being said or done.Someone who is never on the same page.

Try your best,but you will not be able to extract concurrence from such persons.Having known a few such individuals,I have tried giving out a statement with which I am sure the said person will have no issue;but s/he jumps to the other side in the blink of an eye and I am left gaping.

A group of friends may be having a casual discussion about something.Everybody may not have identical views but the disagreements would be cordial and others' opinions would not be trashed outright.In jumps the confrontationist to prove that they are all wrong and only s/he is right.In an instant the hero of the story has spoilt the pitch of the conversation and taken up the level of discomfort many notches.

Most do not like to take the acrimony any further and allow such people to have the last word.This gives them the satisfaction of having been certified (by silent vote) the wisest and the cleverest.It inflates their ego and feeds their self-esteem.If only they were less self-obsessed and more perceptive,they would have fathomed others' discomfiture before they patted their own back.

Why do people do this?It could hardly be a pleasant feeling to see everybody fall silent after you have uttered your pearls of wisdom.But obviously,this escapes their keen observation.They are intelligent and quick witted.That is why they can can produce a plausible argument in a jiffy.But they fail to realize what this does to their reputation.

Once again--why do they do this?Perhaps they have an innate urge to jack up their self-worth and polish their image.A deep seated feeling of inferiority drives them.They are on a never-ending crusade to better their image.

Nothing wrong in that.But they fail to realize that such behavior spins them down the popularity chart.It is self defeating.Since they are oath-bound to oppose the prevailing consensus they often end up contradicting today what they had affirmed yesterday.This naturally exposes the shallowness of their thinking and puts a question mark on the veracity of their utterances even when they are right.

I admire those who speak out against injustice,oppose cruelty or take up cudgels to rectify wrongs.But always opposing everything merely to establish that they are a cut above the rest not only defeats their purpose but also antagonizes others.If only they were more amiable and rational they would be blessed with a positive,wholesome personality and many more friends.Try telling it to them-they are sure to contradict you.