Association Of Ideas--A Live Portrayal In Front Of Me

 This happened only yesterday.My husband and I were sitting in our balcony when up came a young gentleman.He greeted my BH effusively and waited for a response from him but my the latter failed to recognize him.He revealed his name--no go!Then he told him the name of the company where he used to work--still no reaction.Then he told him that he was my husband's first assistant and my husband had helped him in many ways.

Now my husband's memories came flooding out.There was no stopping their exchange of anecdotes after this.I was surprised to see that BH remembered all this because he is 85 plus though,in good health.One sentence in our guest's talk had kindled a spark and they lived the old days once again.

This reminded me of a psychological phenomena known as Association,which states that when we recall a past experience other thoughts related to it by virtue of similarity,congruity or causality also come to the fore.I was truly astonished to see this happening before my own eyes.

It struck me that this phenomenon is a double-edged sword. It can be utilized to check anxiety from taking hold of our minds.Once we give in to a negative thought many other similarly negative thoughts could come to invade our consciousness.

On the other hand a positive thought before a critical juncture will remind us of our past successes and fill our minds with confidence, energy and hope.

Hence repelling negative thoughts and diverting your mind to another channel is a good way to beat anxiety.Similarly recalling your good experiences and achievements is good for your mental health . 

Kindness

 The other day I went to the CSD outlet to buy groceries.My list was pretty long- lots of stuff to be purchased.At the cash counter ahead of me was a young lady,about the same age as my daughter,a Lt Col's wife I surmised.She stayed back when her transaction was done,saying she will help me to pick up all those items from the trolley and put them on the counter.She did all this heavy work for me and again,the same when the items had to be put back into the trolley.I was flabbergasted.It was very touching.I could only thank and 'God Bless' her in return.People are so busy in their lives thet this sort of kindness is rare.

Another such incident happened at the Kota railway station a month ago.We had gone rather early to see off our daughter.I asked the Assistant Station Master where A1 was likely to stop.He replied that it will be at the other end of the platform.So we scurried there.Another train arrived before the one we were waiting for and what do we see,the Station Master comes running fast to inform us that our train's A1 one will be stopping just where we had started from,since this train was longer than the one which had just left.Our train halted for ony 4 minutes and he was worried that we would miss it.I wonder how he guessed that we had come for this train and not the previous one.Since I had not given him the train's number,hence this confusion.His kindness,and going the extra mile was very touching.

Talking of kindness reminds me of another post which I had written eight years ago.Here is the link to that post When Strangers Leave Pleasant Memories.I have forgotten that magistrate's  face but I still remember his thoughtful piece of advice.

Such incidents invoke a desire to be kind to whosoever needs it and in this way kindness grows-making our society a better place to live in.Long live the kind angels. 

“Remember, there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” —Scott Adams

Seven #Mantras Which Drive Me

We imbibe certain ideas of right and wrong through watching our parents since the day we are born.As we grow up the extended family,teachers and peer group add to that list.Subsequent experiences prompt us to refresh this list according to our own judgement and requirements.We discard the principles which we think are spurious or won't help us advance in life and continue to deploy those which hold value or utility for us.These become our life mantras.They hold us together.Abiding by them adds to our sense of self-worth,a satisfaction of having done the right thing.

Let me share a few of my life mantras:--

Honesty is the best policy

I imbibed this from my father,he did not have to say it in so many words.I saw how upright he was and how it fetched him respect and insulated him from unnecessary complications and decided that it was the best policy indeed.It also obviates the necessity of having to lie left,right and center,which incidentally,is something I dislike immensely.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be
This too was my father's dictum.It included not only borrowing from friends or family but also taking loans from banks.I know the latter is totally against the current ethos but it is what I believe in.When we desist from taking loans we try to live within our means.We learn to curb reckless consumerism.This also entails saving and neither wasting nor splurging.As far as lending is concerned I prefer giving charity to needy persons.Lending money to friends or family can spoil the relationships.
Respect all humans
When we do well in life,attain a notable status,a kind of superiority permeats our thinking.We look down upon those who are below us.It boosts our ego but it hurts those whom we disparage.If ever I am tempted to spurn someone I remind myself that "There,but for the grace of God,go I." Those who are low in hierarchy have to put up with enough ignominy without us adding to it.The true test of anyone's character is how s/he treats those who are below them.
Duty first
This principle is important for me because as I see it,I enjoy many rights and privileges for which I should be thankful to individuals far and near;consequently I too must fulfill my responsibilities and do what is expected of me.If everyone did this,relationships would bloom and ease of living too,would improve.In the context of family of course this principle is of inestimable value.
The law of karma
This dictum has religious sanctity as we all know,but it also makes sense from a practical point of view.The fear of having to reap the consequences of our actions,impels most of us to refrain from committing willful misdeeds.It is an inbuilt mechanism which promotes good behavior.
Superstitions and elaborate rituals
I lean towards logic therefore if any superstition crosses my mind I scrap it then and there.As far as elaborate rituals and external symbols of faith are concerned I don't consider them important.Going to temples and holy places too does not enthuse me.God is omnipresent,I can connect with him at any time and place.I care more about ethics and morality.
Whatever happens,happens for the best
Any setback,catastrophe,disaster or misfortune naturally causes a lot of distress and turmoil.But such events do have some hidden benefits.They help us to evolve,which I believe is the sole purpose of life.We analyse what went wrong,where we erred,and remove our shortcomings.Adverse circumstances promote stoicism and teach us how to overcome our difficulties.This is how we become strong,skillful and resilient.There is lesser frustration and more of action.

These seven principles have become an inseparable part of my thinking.Early experiences plus existential needs have a huge impact on what we believe in and your mantras might be different from mine.I would love to know them.Do share.

Calamity-Worse Confounded

Sanjay was a tall,well built 16 yr old boy when he visited me a few years back.He was referred by two shopkeepers from whom he used to purchase some items because he looked depressed.Mark,neither his course mates nor his teachers noticed this fact.

He certainly looked very depressed.He had passed the 10th board exams from another state in vernacular medium with good marks.He planned to compete for state government jobs after graduation.But his uncle motivated him to come to Kota,join a coaching institute and do B.Tech from an IIT.So he brushed up his English and came here.

He was a bright student and started with a good rank.After a couple of months the boy with whom he shared his room in a hostel hung himself from the fan.It was Sanjay who broke open the door and found him.Naturally he was devastated.As if this was not enough to numb him,his paternal grandfather expired after one week.

He went home and returned after a week.He was in a state of severe shock even after returning.He divulged that he was crying continuously for two weeks.Then one day he opened his note books and found that they were totally blank.He tried to catch up with others but the link had broken and his rank kept slipping.

It was four months after the double tragedies that the shopkeepers had sent him to me.His initial complaint was that his rank at the institute was slipping.Actually,he was in doldrums about his future.He could not decide what to do.He felt lonely and home sick over here;but he feared that if he went back he would be jeered at,his mother would become a laughing stock and his uncle too would be disappointed.At the same time,he did not want to stay on in Kota.

I asked him to tell me about his life before coming to Kota. He told me that his parents were teachers in his home state.His mother taught in the very school from which he had passed out.Earlier,while he was growing up,she had shifted to a hostel to do M.Ed.He was not much attached to her.He loved his father dearly.

His parents were in town when I interviewed Sanjay. His mother wanted him to stay on for five more months after which she would take leave and come to stay with him. Sanjay was not at all keen at this prospect.I advised his parents to allow him some rest,take him back,and decide about his future after the 12th board exams.The mother was not in favor of this even after oblique counselling.In fact even this was spurious because she had seen her son's condition.The father was mostly quiet.

I asked Sanjay to tell me what they had decided and contact me if he stayed back.His parents were to leave Kota on the next day.There was no communication from him after this.Later on,when I tried to follow it up his mo.number was declared as invalid.I hope he is fit and doing well in whichever field he chose. 

The Luminaries

Some people have all the luck.They are truly blessed.Not a single incongruous note in the lyrical symphony of their lives.I have often looked wistfully at them and wished for a perfect life like theirs.But almost immediately I chastise myself.How do I know what transpired before that star touched the zenith?More importantly,who knows what the future holds for them? After all a high tide cannot stay high for ever,it has to come down.

Why this happens is food for thought.Is it destiny or mere rotation of the wheel of life?It could even be mere negligence or mishandling of lady luck's boons. Attaining an iconic status is not easy.It requires hard work and vision.But even after reaching the pinnacle one's metier has to be safeguarded wisely:from self as well as jealous rivals.

The self is the first wall of defense against a downfall.Many luminaries have come to a sorry end because of their own imperfections. They topple to the ground when their luck runs out.

  Causes of Downfall

Corruption

Corruption is rampant in our country.From politicians,bureaucrats and big business men to the humble peon,at every level you will come across people who strive to grab more than they are entitled to.The higher the strata the greater the loot.We do not know how many escape unscathed but some,like Suresh Kalmadi,A Raja and Lalu Prasad Yadav are finally caught and sent to jail.What a dire contrast to their earlier,opulent lifestyles!

The immense power which politicians wield propels them to subvert the law and milk their status to rake up as much wealth as they can.Unfortunately,with their cohorts shielding them to the best of their ability,many escape the net and must still be at large..

Exploitation

When someone is recognized as an ace in his calling,he sometimes regards his juniors as lesser beings and exploits them without any compunction. MJ Akbar,a minister in the central government,used his clout to satisfy his carnal desires.He had to resign from his post after intense public humiliation.

There are many,many more of this kind,but why go deeper in this filth?

Illegal Activities

It is not corruption or sexual exploitation alone which can turn a lucky spell into a sorry phase. Some icons break the law nonchalantly,thinking no one would dare to question them. Sanjay Dutt did just that and had to spend many years in jail for buying an illegal weapon from a known terrorist.

Arrogance

An elite family background and powerful connections embed in some people a conviction that they have special rights and privileges and this misperception one day brings them crashing down from their high horse.Remember how Manu Sharma,born in an affluent family with strong political connections,blew it all when he murdered Jessica Lal for refusing to serve him liquor? He was sentenced to life imprisonment after a huge public outcry and media pressure. 

Personal Failings

Having loads of cash in hand is temptation enough for some to splurge it on their pet fancies:profligacy,alcoholism or drug abuse have left many Bollywood actors penniless.How painful it must be,to be reduced to a near beggar like state after having been idolized by millions.

How much does one need to live a comfortable life?There can be no definite answer to this.The higher you go the more zeroes you will add to the figure.But why do those who belong to the top echelons,who are virtually rolling in wealth,deploy questionable tactics to extract more or satisfy illegitimate desires?

In doing this,they even lose the amenities they once enjoyed;well not always-the judicial system being what it is-but the risk is always there.Had they been more ethical,content,and law abiding;they could have enjoyed a longer,more satisfying innings.What's more,they would have been acclaimed for their integrity.But no,insatiable greed overcomes every other consideration.

As Benjamin Franklin said, "It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation, and only one bad one to lose it."

Image and quote from google search.

Teens and Depression-All Facts,No Fiction-Last Part

You can read the first part of this case history over here.

My counselling sessions with Manish continued for slightly more than a year but the status quo did not change much.He was even scared of giving the class 10th,11th and 12th exams but he joined three coaching institutes,one after the other,hoping that one of them would prime him to sail through the JEE and finally,B.Tech from an I.I.T.The strain of this staggering load and the fear that he lacked the ability to attain his aim increased his anxiety manifold.

After having refused many a times to give the 10th board exam,Manish finally did give it and passed with 80% marks.He was now studying for only 2-3 hrs per day but this provoked adverse comments from his grandfather. Manish began to have angry outbursts and one day broke his mobile.

I asked him if his current routine,though minimal,was causing him such a lot of stress,what would happen when the pressure increased?The poor boy asked his lecturer if he thought he could pass the JEE and the teacher replied in the affirmative.

So he carried on valiantly,but he was uptight all through the 11th class.He would miss an appointment or walk in on the wrong day.Even the decrease in his study hours had failed to soothe his nerves.He gave the final exam for class 11th in this frame of mind and got a supplementary.

Till now I had only subtly hinted that his over ambition was the cause of this snafu because we counselors are not supposed to give direct advice or be judgemental as far as possible.But I had to change my strategy when one day he laid open his heart.He was afraid of ghosts and had been researching paranormal events.He talked about existential issues and claimed that he had done astral projection too.He had also gone to the Brahma Kumaris in search of peace.

All this revealed that he was exploring various avenues to gain a grip on his mind and get rid of anxiety.His behavior was quite ominous and I thought the time had come to call a spade a spade.I reminded him that all his problems had started after he decided to wear himself out for the JEE exams.His body and mind tolerated the strain for 4 months but cracked down after that.

He was motivated to evaluate the consequences of the decision which had ruined his peace of mind and also instilled many fears in him.I did not want to scare him about the onset of a mental disorder but I merely said that the unrest in his mind ought to be his first concern-it would not allow him to succeed in anything.It was for him to gauge what was causing that stress.And remove that cause.If he was mentally fit,he would succeed in any career and it was better to be a happy teacher,clerk or whatever,than a depressed engineer.

It was obvious that he was being goaded by his family to achieve a target way above his level.Maybe he had even internalized their ambition.After all who does not want to climb up the hierarchy?But all the rungs cannot be climbed in one leap.And if you put a gigantic load on your mind it is bound to give way.Both these misadventures had turned his world upside down.

Twice he was put on psychiatric medicines but the root cause of his stress remained unattended. Finally one day,he and his family could both read the writing on the wall:he dropped the idea of giving the JEE exams.

If only he had been allowed to plan his career using his own judgement or allowed to back off when he found the strain too much,he would not have had to endure so much stress and  confidence deficit.He was on the brink of succumbing to depression but I am glad he retraced his steps in time.Better late than never.

A Small Mistake Can Sometimes Bounce Back Badly--All Facts No Fiction

Amit,a young boy of barely 18 yrs of age,was brought to my office by his father.A mere look at him revealed that he was severely depressed.He sat quietly with his head bowed down while his father narrated his problem.

Amits' cousin sister who had been staying with them for the last 10 months,had got married 6 weeks ago but was reluctant to go to her in-laws'house. Amit suggested that they go to their grandfathers' home which was in a nearby city.The girl agreed and they went there.

Over there,his maternal uncle ticked him off for having taken this step.Ever since then he had been like this,sitting mutely,doing nothing.His father took him to a psychiatrist.He had been taking psychiatric medicine for the last 3 weeks but he did not want to continue it since it did not agree with him.

I counselled him as per need but he was neither receptive nor responsive.I could see that he did need medicines to bring him up to near-normal levels before he could take some positive measures to help himself.

I referred him to another psychiatrist in whom I had greater faith.They did not return after that.

At first glance it seems that his impulsive decision to take his cousin to their grandfather' house was the cause of his depression,but his inability to accept genuine criticism too was responsible.He could not handle his family's censure and rebuke.Perhaps his guilt pangs too mortified him.

Life does not cosset anyone and excessive sensitivity or vulnerability is not conducive for health and happiness. 

Follow Up:--

I phoned Amit after about six months.His father came on the line.He told me that the medicine given by the second psychiatrist was on the last legs.He was better and doing good in studies too.He thanked me profusely for my help and thus I closed the case.

To Be Or Not To Be--A Busybee

I was born with a congenital fault,or default-I don't know which-to keep doing something or the other throughout the day.It is very oxymoronish to hunt for odd jobs to occupy me and then complain of being overburdened with work.No one compels me to do this or that.The compulsion comes from within.How does one categorise this tendency?Is it a blessing or a curse?

Actually I have many reasons to be thankful for it.It keeps me fit and supple.Very little chances of my joints creaking from disuse.I don't feel like a sucker-I am doing my bit to justify my existence on this planet.Keeping busy,indulging in various activities broadens my vision and adds to my bag of skills.

I hate to request anyone to do something for me unless I am unable to do it myself.This comes from a yen for selfreliance,perfection,and also a bit of ego.Looks like I myself have chosen this kind of life--no destiny or default at fault :(.

Happy as  am to potter around my home doing this or that,sometimes I do look wistfully at those who enjoy greater leisure time.I guess their minds must be more at peace than mine,because I become restless if I have nothing to do.

If not a life of leisure what about a thundering career?There was no career to speak of.I could have carved out a distinct identity for myself if only I had stepped outside my comfort zone.But my utter content failed to niggle me to look beyond my home and family.

Did I choose right?What do you think?

A Shocking Crime and #Antisocial Personality Disorder

We often read about shocking crimes committed in the heat of the moment,and fail to find a logical explanation for them.It is psychology which then comes up with plausible answers to such questions.This fact was revealed explicitly to me when Jay came over to me for counseling a few years back.

He was a robust 35yrs old young man at that time.He required no prodding to come out with all the details of his life till date.He had studied only up to 8th class and he began to earn at the age of 14yrs.He had been driving a taxi since the last 20yrs.Very matter of factly,he stated that his mother did not care at all for him.The only person who loved him had been his father who had expired six years ago.He had two brothers but they lived separately because he went out of control whenever he was angry.

He had gotten married to Ena 3yrs ago but she left him after one and a half years.He loved her profusely.Now he wanted me to mediate between them.If she did not return he would first kill her and then himself.Two weeks prior to this he had purposely shoved his taxi down into a valley.It turned turtle five times and landed upside down but nobody was hurt.All this,to get Ena back.

He gave me her number and I promised to find out what she wanted.Her mother came on the line when I rang her up.She told me that Jay was addicted to opium and smack and in no way would she send her daughter back.

So I called him and gave him the update.I tried to reason out with him,to show him how he was destroying himself and finding no joy in life too.On top of that he was wrecking his health and there was still time to turn back.

He listened quietly and merely said that yes I was right.I was not surprised that he did not turn up for the next appointment.I rang him up after a few weeks to find out how he was doing.He merely said he was OK and that was the end of the story.

His was a typical case of Antisocial Personality Disorder - impulsiveness,violence,breaking laws,destroying property,scarce concern for others' rights and emotions,manipulation--it was all there.It is possible that his disorder was the result of genes or early life experiences.He deserved sympathetic,supportive treatment.

In such cases the family also has the responsibility of keeping a watchful eye on the sufferer and making sure that s/he does not get into trouble especially if s/he is a minor.

I wonder how he is,and whether or not he has transformed himself;though the chances appear bleak.The prognosis of this condition is not encouraging,however,they may mellow down with age.

 

How We Overcame General Anxiety Disorder,Panic Attacks and Hypochondria

Aug 2015
It all began six months ago when my husband (BH) was declared a diabetic.It was a major downturn in our lives.The medicine he was prescribed did not agree with him.We got it changed and also amended our lifestyle (which was not much bad earlier),but his health continued to deteriorate.

He complained of various physical complaints.It was not long before I realized that he had become a hypochondriac--it is an awful affliction,believe me.There is no enemy to fight,it is all so nebulous.He began writing his various symptoms in a journal and it was crystal clear that his symptoms changed hue every day because there was no biological basis for them.But this did not set his mind at rest.

I had daily counseling sessions with him.He listened attentively and also read material about his condition on the net.I gave him constant company and tried to engage him by yapping about this and that.But there was something troubling him which spiked his anxiety.

Soon he began to have panic attacks and my son was asked to fly down immediately.He was a great help but BH gave up whatever little he had been doing to keep the household running,and began to depend entirely upon him.More spare time meant more rumination and more rumination meant more anxiety.He became worse than ever.

My son stayed with us for 18 days.BH was not ready to let him go but I prevailed upon him so that he could take up the reins again.Soon my daughter came and again the same story.He lost his weight,stamina and confidence at a fast pace.We all tried our best to talk him out of it but understanding that he was being unreasonable with his complaints did not in any way help him to mitigate them even though our GP too,gave him a clean chit.

Soon my daughter too,went and slowly he picked up a few of his duties.He began driving once again.His favorite physician checked him time and again,followed by numerous tests;to rule out any disease,but BH was never convinced.The complaints began to mount.We consulted ten doctors but he still feared that he had a serious disease.

I realized that he was suffering from A feeling of insignificance.He had been very healthy and active all his life but failing health and empty hours were taking their toll even when there was no other problem in our lives.He had no occupation and no hobby.He is a very good singer but not once did he try to play any music.Even when I did so,it failed to engage him.He has a background of agriculture but he even gave up supervising our gardener's work.The only thing he did keep up was,walking,but mostly on our terrace.He did not feel comfortable meeting people.

Now what can you do in such a situation?I tried to involve him in growing vegetables on our terrace but I ended up doing most of the work.Then I asked him to talk to some laborers who were working at a house nearby and ask them to send their children to our home for studying.Three kids started coming over.I went and bought the required stationary for them and we started the classes on our balcony. BH took up the eldest child who was smarter than the other two.He was well occupied for at least one hour in the morning.I think he liked this diversion.There was a goal to be met,and something to look forward to. 

Then a friend of mine suggested we send them to a government school where they will get free books,uniform and mid-day meal too.We did so and now those kids are going to a school and they are very happy.We are both very glad that they are receiving formal education but we do miss their visits --i.e,I hope BH too misses them;because he rarely expresses his feelings.

Feb 2016
It is now one year since all this started.My sessions with him continue,he listens carefully but he is just not prepared to accept the changes which come attached to advancing age.He is very sad at these changes in his personality (if you smell narciccism here,you are not off the mark).He has numerous physical complaints which I suspect,stem from his anxiety.Some days are good,some are not:(.

Oct 2016
He tries very hard to free himself from anxiety and it is showing results.Given below are the various factors which have helped him to recover :--

* Our GP was a great help.He prescribed anti-anxiety drugs and also something for insomnia.The medicines were just enough to give him relief,and not make him drowsy all day long;which he would have abhorred.

* Our children's support has been very reassuring.

* Our counseling sessions have continued alongside.

* He goes for daily walks on the road and meets neighbours.

*Does stretching exercises.

* Also does 'pranayam' and meditation.

* Goes to the market to fetch groceries etc,does not take the help of a driver.

* Listening to devotional songs has eased his anxiety to a large extent.

* Tearing a rag to shreds when the anxiety was extreme helped to cool his mind.

*Going out and visiting friends has also helped a lot.

* We tried to play board games but this did not interest him much.Neither did painting or coloring.

The whole purpose of narrating this story is to share with you how difficult it is to extricate someone from an anxiety disorder and what are the various steps that can be taken.Eventually,sustained efforts do show results,as they have in our case.I hope we will soon be out of the woods.

Dec 2016
Nearly two years have elapsed since BH's health problems started.Today he is completely cured.What a journey it has been!He has quitted the sleeping pills as well as the anti-anxiety medicine.

Jan 2017
I am always alert for any signs of relapse--God forbid.BH has been a model patient,he not only listened to my advice but also put it into practice.Wht's more,he resumed his stretching exercises,pranayam and meditation as soon as he was able to.My being a counselor who was in constant attendance too,was a lucky coincidence.

In the absence of a psychiatrist,or an able family physician or a counselor,it is the family which has to

bear the maximum responsibility for the patient's welfare.Even if the patient is getting proper treatment,there are certain do's and don'ts which the family members should be aware,of when they take care of a mental patient.Later on,when the patient is well enough to join the mainstream,he needs to be coaxed and inspired to take baby steps towards normalcy.Along with the requisite treatment;love,empathy,encouragement and companionship of a family too,are therapeutic.It is a tough journey,but very much worth the toil.

How,Not to Double Our Troubles

If there is one thing we cannot control in life,it is upcoming situations which suddenly erupt.It is a given that health problems and unfortunate events too,will crop up from time to time.The way we tackle them determines whether or not we will double our troubles.Any untoward event or a trial on the horizon does give us the jitters,but it is in our own hands to panic or sustain our composure.

Recently I had to undergo an eye surgery.This was going to be my first experience under the doctor's knife.We asked our family doctor to recommend the best clinic and went there.The doctor who first examined me cautioned me that I should not expect full recovery,it might be only 20%.

We went to another clinic for a second opinion.This one is very well known for its various achievements,it is all over the local newspapers.They assured me of good recovery.But I did not like that place--it was more like a mercenary establishment.Their package too,contained hidden charges while the first one was all upfront and honest.

So we went to the first one.At least they had been honest with me and our GP too had recomended them.I chose the first possible day to be operated upon because I wanted to minimize the period which might have been claimed by the heebie-jeebies.

Opthalmic procedures require you to sit for long periods with your eyes closed.I had to undergo many such sessions.Those who have read my earlier posts know that I don't like to sit idle,twiddling my thumbs.So I devoted such times to meditation.It was very calming.

The preliminary investigations and the running of my home kept me busy.But when the day dawned I could sense butterflies in my stomach.I concentrated solely upon how bright and shiny the world will look after the operation.I also reminded myself that since I had taken all necessary precautions,there was no need to panic.

The operation was slotted at 8pm.Throwing myself into all kinds of chores kept me busy till that time.I went along with my BH and son and that was that.Now I am back fully satisfied,happier and healthier than I ever was.

Suppose I had searched the internet for what could possibly go wrong,or the percentage of failures,I would have given a free run to the worry-horses.Cyberchondria or the tendency to search the internet for the outcome of every disease can easily turn us into a hypochondriac.It is true that the internet does come handy when the problem is opaque or we are skeptic of the treatment being meted to us,but half knowledge or too much of knowledge too, can sometimes be counter productive.

At the end of the day I would say that anything which has the possibility of keeping us on tenterhooks should be dealt with at the soonest.Staying active,refraining from imagining the worst,having faith in a decision taken after due consideration,and the support of our loved ones makes it easier to sail through a rough patch.

The Far-reaching Consequences of a Dysfunctional Family.

Parul was a twenty-two-year-old,well employed unmarried,graduate girl when she came to me for counseling.She had various problems.Her personal life was a mess and her past too had been no better.Her parents divorced when she was in the sixth standard.Both mother and father lived in other cities.Her elder sister belonged to low middle class.Only her brother,who lived in a metro,was doing well.

When she was still a child,a man with whom her mother lived tried to molest her.She left that city as soon as she got a job in Kota.So far,so good.

Here,she got entangled with a boy who was doing a small time job-nothing much to speak of.She developed an intimate relationship with him and went twice for an abortion.

He used to   fleece her for money and gifts.Hungry as she was,for a sense of belonging and recognition;she used to give in to his demands.Then he began to two-time her.So she asked him to return her money and stuff.In response,he became violent,as did his brother and cohorts.Overcome by despair,she took sleeping pills and Celphos.Her friend took her to the hospital and she recovered.

It was after this episode,that she came to me.Despite all this,she wanted to marry him because one,she believed that no one would marry her because of her parents' divorce;and two,because he belonged to her caste.She was determined to marry him even if it meant hell for her,such was her desperation to get married.Her parents were not at all bothered about what was happening in her life.

Her boyfriend too had a murky background.His mother had committed suicide and his father had two wives.Both he and his brother were henchmen of small-time politicians.

I tried to make her see the fallacy of her decision and the logic behind it but she was unmoved.It appeared that her questionable lifestyle had left her with little self-respect.She was convinced that she would not get a better option than what she now had.After a few days,she told me that she had patched up with him again.

Expertise,Proficiency can cross #Class,Cast Barriers.

I am witness to a new trend in today's children.There is a park in front of my home where all children of my neighborhood play in the evening.They all belong to the upper middle class,covering all ages from 10 years to seventeen.One of them is my tenant's son and another is their servant.The son is perhaps ten and his servant a little older.

Since I belong to the old school,I was not a little surprised to observe that the servant also plays with the rest of the kids.Then I realized that he was very fast and quick in whichever game was being played.And most importantly,the kids would call and pester him to come and play with them;leave aside shunning him.My tenants too,are largehearted enough to allow him plenty of play time.

Initially he used to sort of remain aloof and reserved but very fast he is coming in to his own.He realizes that he has this special skill for which he is valued.It struck me that this is one route through which cast,class restrictions can be overcome.When you are good at something recognition automatically follows and then people give two hoots which class or caste you belong to.I only wish he could join a school and achieve all he is capable of doing.Perhaps,no I am sure,he will make his way up the social hierarchy one day and make a good life for himself and his family.

Cudgelled into Obedience--All facts no Fiction.

What could be the reason behind a decent 27 year old B.Tech boy smashing mobiles ,breaking his watch and even taking a swipe at his wife-though instantly regretting it?This is what brought him to my counselling centre.He was at the end of his tether.Anger and agitation were written all over his face.

No prodding was needed.He blurted out instantly'My father and his elder brother have destroyed my life.'He had planned to take the GMAT test but his elders conned him into getting engaged to a girl three years ago.He was even beaten up to comply.But he managed to break that tie after a few months.The girl in question attempted suicide.This plunged him into depression and he was treated for it by a psychiatrist who warned his father to not thrust any major decision upon him.

Despite this,the duo got him engaged to another girl after one year.He broke off that engagement too but six months later he was forced to marry a girl citing his grandfather's illness.The girl was not his equal intellectually or culturally--she had a village background,although she was a post graduate.So they were not happy.

After he had narrated all that was boiling inside him,I gave him suitable advice.When I followed up after a few months I came to know that he had gone to Delhi to prepare for his exam.

I hope they are better adjusted now.But his father and uncle did their best to mess up the lives of their son and three other girls.Obedience,children's compliance-at this cost?

Image courtesy shutterstock

What Went Wrong?All Facts,No Fiction.

She was a model child--quiet,obedient and well behaved.Highly intelligent and pretty to look at.Everybody praised her gentle mannerisms.She did well in school,though not fantastically so.She had a narcissistic streak from the very beginning and was a a perfectionist by nature.

Then the time came for her to get married.She rejected many proposals,finding some fault or the other in the boys.Ultimately she settled for one.The boy was enamored by her and they started their married life on a happy note.But her husband turned out to be a Casanova.There were ugly spats.

Ultimately she returned to her parental home with her kids.Her parents were very fond of her and took the necessary steps to make them comfortable.But contrary to everybody's expectations she was not happy.She became paranoid,suspected others' motives and made unreasonable accusations.This was followed by violent fits of anger.She also began to suffer from #Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.She would spend hours washing her hands and taking bath.Her kids cajoled her to consult a psychiatrist who prescribed #Psychiatric medicines.

These medicines did subdue her symptoms but she could not return to her original,normal self.Now,after having taken them for many years,she has become a caricature of her old self.She is prim,proper,formal and cordial;but the spark is missing.Certainly her condition prior to taking the medicines was unbearable but now she has become absolutely wooden in her responses.It is as if she is living in a mist.Her doctor says she would have gotten much worse if she had not been treated;but this too,is no life.

Why do psychiatric medicines have such disastrous side effects?Very often the poor patients don't have a say in whether they want to ingest them or not.It is easy to manipulate them--for their own comfort and also for the family's convenience.Till better medicines are invented many will be forced to live a blighted life.

But I wonder,where did she go wrong?A promising life was all but extinguished in the prime of youth.Was it her narcissism which caused her to make unreasonable demands from others?Or did her perfectionism make her difficult to live with?Did her parents' cosseting render her unfit to face the ups and downs of life?

There is no doubt that her husband was a philanderer but after she separated from him what slashed her chances of leading a normal life?Her mental disease surely,but it could have been the consequence of what transpired between husband and wife.Who is at fault?Many factors coalesce to make us what we are.One never knows how they will pan out in adult life.

A Dreary Life-All Facts no Fiction.

Why are some people forced to lead wretched lives?Is it destiny?Or is it because of some wrong choices made by them?Is it because of a skewed up upbringing or is it because of defective genes?When we see a grown up man frittering away his youth we tend to put the onus on him but life is not so clear cut.Many factors join together to make a person what he is.

The life of Narayan,a young man of 41 years planted these thoughts in my mind.He was the eldest of three sons.His grandfather had been an SP.His father's elder brother had shot his own brother.His maternal uncle was a schizophrenic,as was Narayan's younger brother.The latter had been very sick and violent for 10 years after which he was given Electroconvulsive therapy.He improved after this and had been well since the last three years.

His father,a government employee,was an alcoholic.He mostly lived at his postings-away from the family and giving subsistence money to the family was for him,the end of his familial obligations.He dominated everybody,had no social life,and was fond of hunting.Once when Narayan was not even ten years old,his father handed him a gun and asked him to shoot.The gun exploded and the father was hurt.

These are some of the facts which Narayan disclosed to me on his very first sitting.I guess he wanted to ease the burden on his heart.To cut a long story short,this was the environment in which Narayan grew up.

At the age of eighteen years he went to join Indian Navy but he could not adjust to the tough regime and returned home.Moreover he aspired for a better occupation than that.He tried many options after this.First he did a two year degree course in MSW but could not get a job.Then he joined a private firm.He was happy there but that firm closed down.After this he worked for a relative but left this job because it demoralized him.Next,he opened a shop in his ancestral home.This too proved to be a flop.

It is no wonder that his main complaint upon coming to me was his sense of failure.He was depressed.He had a wife and son but could not support his family.There was no motivation.He always hankered for something which was out of his grasp.His biggest regret was that he left Indian Navy.

The one silver lining in this somber life-scape was his wife.She earned a meager income as a teacher but her unwavering support saw him through all his tribulations.

I gave him the necessary advice and asked him to come after fifteen days.He did not come.

After four months i followed up.His wife took the call.She told me that he was well now.He did not take any medicine.His wife's encouragement and his talk with me had helped him stabilize.

Now that you have all the facts,i leave it up to you to judge which factors were responsible for screwing up his life so terribly.Do post your answers.