This Surge in Mental Disorders, And How To Safeguard Yourself

Those were the days when life was simple,families large,bum-chums nearby and domiciles almost permanent.If one was worried about something there was always help at hand :if not in the form of parents,then friends and associates.But all this has been swept away with the sands of time.

Migration to new cities is the norm,aspirations are sky high and competition grim.Real time companions-especially the old tried and tested ones-are fewer,and loneliness is the last straw that sometimes breaks the camel's back.While tensions have rocketed enormously,those who could assuage our perturbed minds are few or far away.

No wonder #mentaldisorders are galloping all over.There is a greater need for support systems than there ever was.Since traditional support systems have dwindled we need to look at alternative sources of help-these are available in the form of psychologists,counselors,psychiatrists and on-line help.But how many of those who suffer from emotional or psychological problems make use of these services?

"NMHS 2015-16 reveals that nearly 15% of Indian adults (those above 18 years) are in need of active interventions for one or more mental health issues;".But few seek professional help if self-help measures fail to give respite.A major obstacle in the way of doing this of course is,stigma,the impression that mental patients are weak and incompetent,and they don't do enough to solve their problems.Since very few people talk of their psychological problems,every sufferer thinks that he or she is the rotten apple and they must not divulge it.This is how the stigma is born and perpetuated.

This kind of thinking prevents people from admitting to a mental disorder and seeking help.If their self help measures do not work, their condition worsens till psychiatric medicines are the only answer.I am not competent to discuss the efficacy or desirability of these medicines but I do believe that it is far better to seek help in the initial stages rather than having to depend upon medicines.This raises an important question-
When to seek help?
This is no doubt a difficult question.Transitory disappointments or griefs sometimes hit hard  but we manage to bounce up again after a certain period.The field of mental health is nebulous and ever changing-especially for mental patients.No two persons suffering from anxiety will have similar worries or fears.They may experience various levels of stress or tranquility even in the same day.
The thumb rule is to check yourself against the following parameters:--

1. Have you become quiet and asocial?
2. Do you feel sad and disinterested most of the time?
3. Do you neglect your daily routine?
4. Do you find it difficult to take decisions?
5. Are even simple tasks too laborious for you?
6. Do you have suicidal thoughts?
7. Do you have poor sleep or sleep too much?
8. Do you have poor appetite or eat too much?
9. Do you have gastric problems and sundry aches and pains?
10. Have you become angry and irritable?

If the answers to most of these questions are 'yes' and this has been going on for more than two months then it is time you took the help of a mental health professional.The choice is between a psychologist,counselor,general practitioner or a psychiatrist.The first two will assist you to think rationally about your problem and delve into to the causes of this imbroglio.You can open your heart to them.They will extend emotional support and also respect your privacy.If they think you need medicines to help you along,they will refer you to a doctor.If you are hesitant about consulting a psychiatrist then even a GP or a family doctor can be of immense help-as he was in my own case.

Suffice it to say that once you observe your daily life has changed drastically because of your mood swings,take immediate steps to improve your mental health and reclaim your life.There can be no health without mental health.

You may also like https://jeeteraho.blogspot.com/2019/02/your-self-help-guide-for-eliminating.html.

https://www.cchr.org/quick-facts/psychiatric-drugs-side-effects.html

The Golden Mean

We all wish that others should admire us,hold us in high esteem.An upright, likable image is conducive to success and happiness too.But which are the attributes that can help us attain such an image?A clear cut picture in our minds of the things to be done and those to be avoided will surely make things easier.

Great thinkers and philosophers of many religions have advocated the adoption of a golden mean to lead a happy and successful life.In other words avoiding extremes of any kind is the best way to be.

At every step in life we are required to pick options.Other than the common place choices there are some issues which require well thought out decisions.These decisions determine  our personality as well as the course of our lives.

Take the question of Achievement,of chasing tall targets, surpassing everybody on the radar.Work yourself to the bone,shelve rest,obviate all kinds of  diversions and you may one day find that you are so alone at the pinnacle.All that labor has not given you the desired results.

On the other hand,take life easy,go with the flow,avoid challenging tasks and you will one day realize that you have stagnated and not made enough use of your talents and abilities.

Swimming with the tide is easy and comfortable while pushing against the current can be exhausting.But what of the euphoria you feel when you have conquered an opposing force and reached your desired destination?

Making such choices should follow a deep analysis of one's needs and abilities,plus the tendency to avoid extremes.

Take the case of Amiability.Everybody wants to be loved and accepted by others. Close,loving relationships make life livable.In order to sustain them we sometimes give in to unreasonable demands or allow others to encroach upon our territory.But if we make it a habit to give in in order to be liked and accepted,we could end up being trodden all over.  

On the other hand if we religiously nullify others'attempts to dominate us we are likely to be labeled as unfriendly and uncooperative.

Dwelling at any end of the spectrum will besmirch our personality.The golden mean is the best choice.

Forgiveness is another tendency which requires careful thought.Whenever we are deceived by any one a natural reaction is to give tit for tat or plan revenge.But as Gautam Buddha said:When you hold a burning coal in your hand to throw it on someone it is you who get hurt.

Fine,but whom,how often,and for which kind of wrong to forgive?This is a nebulous zone.Going for full throttle vengeance makes us a negative person while forgiving unthinkingly can attract further invasions.Neither extreme is desirable.

Courage is another quality which should not be taken to the extreme.Too much of it will make us foolhardy and too little shall label us as being a coward.

Related to this is the matter of  Self-confidence,neither extreme of which is desirable.

Come to think of it:an extreme of any kind is counter-productive.A sense of balance in our endeavors as well as our reactions will give best results.

The Ripple Effects Of #Kindness

Everybody is in a mad rush these days.People are busy chasing their dreams and have no time to notice someone who needs a shoulder to lean on or a hand to pull him up.It is best to be self reliant but there are times when one could do with some help or support.At such times if a kind angel comes along,you could not have asked for a better boon.

It does not take much to be kind.You only need to be aware of your surroundings and be attentive of what a person near you is going through.Just a smile or a hello is enough sometimes,to break the ice or brighten someone's day.Open the door if he has his hands full,help him carry a heavy burden,thank the delivery boy,offer your seat to a feeble person standing near you or allow him to jump the queue if need be.These are very small gestures but they leave a deep impact.I,at least,fondly remember those who were kind to me.

If the kindness bug has bitten you,you can start by giving out things which you no longer need,like your shoes,apparel,old gadgets,utensils,ill-assorted crockery,books and whatever you can think of.You will make life so much easier and more comfortable for someone by doing this.

Even more important than this is,helping someone who is emotionally disturbed.Suppose you see someone deep in thought,obviously depressed,fighting a lone battle to keep his head above the waters;do not walk away,afraid of intruding.Begin with a simple query about his well-being.It will assure him that he is not alone,you care for him and he can share his problem with you.

We often hold back because this kind of a situation is awkward for both the parties.A person who wants help may hesitate to claim your time and attention even if he does trust you,while you yourself might be afraid of breaching his privacy if you butt in.At such times the other person's expressions and body language can help you decide.

If even that is not indication enough,you can start with a cursory exchange which will reveal if he is uptight or opens up.Go ahead even if you are in doubt because it is better to be considered officious rather than callous.When someone is in a quandary an outsider is often better able to gauge the situation and think up a solution.Your initiative could be a life saver for him.So it is better to engage with him instead of walking away.Such interventions can even stave suicides.

It is not the recipient alone who benefits from kind acts.You the doer too,will be rewarded in countless ways.There is an immediate rush of joy and satisfaction at having done a good deed when you help someone.It increases your self worth and reduces anxiety.The warmth of that memory will come back to cheer you up many a times.

Kindness is infectious.Even the recipient of a kind act is empowered to return this good deed when opportunity arises.The onlookers also feel happy to see altruistic behavior in this self obsessed world and may be inspired to behave similarly when they see someone in trouble.In this way you help to make this world a better place by one simple act.There is a surfeit of selfishness in the air today,you can add a lot of warmth and empathy to it.
A curious question:How many kind persons have you met so far?

Image courtesy google

Self-Acceptance-The Key To Happiness

"The moment you accept yourself just the way you are is surely the moment you find peace".Many of us do not accept ourselves the way we are,which means we are perennially dissatisfied.

Causes of non-acceptance

You are fine as you are

Discontent most often arises from comparisons and comparisons can never be fair since each person is born with a unique package.


Many people feel inadequate or inferior because of the community,family or social stature to which they belong. 

Then,there is Body Dysmorphic Disorder which can be very excruciating.A minor flaw or an imagined one,can adversely affect the whole range of that person's activities or behavior.Today's emphasis on the externals adds fuel to the fire.

Sometimes those who have been exposed to abuse:whether physical,sexual or emotional, also feel uncomfortable in their skin.Abuse makes them feel like the under-dog and they blame themselves for having attracted abuse.

If it was someone else whose personality we disliked we could easily have shunned that person and carried on blithely, but it is the imperfections which we see in our own selves which pain us hugely and prevent us from enjoying life to the fullest.

The image which we build up of ourselves is not merely an image for us but it is what others see us as,because it governs how we work and relate to others.It holds us from realizing our full potential and it is best to change it.

   In order to accept yourself better:

• Realize:you are a unique mixture of many qualities and skills which no one else is.
• Recount your plus points-daily if need be.
• Remember,nobody is perfect.Those who appear to be so,do a good job of projecting themselves.
• You too,put your best foot forward.Don't be your own adversary.When you disregard your plus points and focus only on your flaws, this is what you are doing. 
• Which is that quality which gives you an edge over others?Exploit it to the fullest.
• And which deviation hurts you most?If it is God-given then you cannot change it.Just accept it and be at peace.
• If that anomaly can be corrected then make it your mission to correct it.
• Just think of the people who like you-do they not like you as you are?Including the real or imagined peculiarities?
• Nobody is the living personification of all that is good or completely bereft of what makes a person worthy,except maybe,the criminal psychopaths.
• Try to fathom from where and when this tendency to think of yourself as being below par,different,not so worthy,arose.Whatever triggered it can be better used as a learning lesson,a guide for future.Forgive yourself for any gaffe or miscalculation committed by you.It is Self-compassion that you need and not self-hate.

Love yourself,accept yourself,and be proud of your good qualities.When you begin to love yourself-not to the point of narcissism mind you-more people will pay attention to you and you will no longer feel inadequate or inferior.Acceptance of self is imperative for growth and happiness.    

If you liked this post you may also like to read the following:

http://jeeteraho.blogspot.com/2013/12/raise-your-self-esteem-in-leven-easy.html

https://jeeteraho.blogspot.com/2018/01/ten-ways-of-terminating-negative.html

https://jeeteraho.blogspot.com/2015/01/do-you-love-yourself.html

Image courtesy google.

#Histrionic Personality Disorder

There are three kinds of people:those who are happy in their own selves and merge into the background even if surrounded by people,those who like company but can also do without it,and those who are happy only when they are the center of attention in any group or gathering.

The last,as you might have guessed,is the histrionic personality.Mostly it is women who fall in this category.All activities of a histrionic female are designed to attract attention and adulation.

She uses her physical appearance to achieve this end.She is always spic and span, immaculately dressed.Her speech is highly theatrical and emotionally charged.She is capable of paying false compliments and making never-to-be-kept promises in order to increase her fan-following.She professes lofty ideals to gain approval but ultimately turns out to be shallow and unreliable.

She is emotionally unstable,extremely self-centered and callous of others' emotions.She is quick to spot competition and will lose no time in undermining her rival or indulging in melodrama to grab eyeballs.In order to safeguard her reign she may even choose to hang out with those who pose no threat to her supremacy.

Her behavior is often inappropriately seductive and voluptuous.She is cheerful and charming,and it is easy to see why people are drawn to her.They are impressed by her charm and she believes she enjoys strong relationships.But when the veneer fades she loses her credibility.As people spot the real person underneath,they slowly distance themselves:making way for the next bunch of gullible souls. 

Dealing with a histrionic personality is very taxing.How long can you continue to feed someone's ego and overlook her lies and underhand ways?The best way is to recognize her tactics and save yourself from being walked over.Walk out if you can but if she is a family member,this too is not possible.All you can do is,avoid being manipulated by her and ignore the spurious stuff. 

It is not easy to be a shining star 24/7.Why does she do it?Maybe early abuse and neglect set her off on this road.Perhaps there is an inner insecurity and not enough confidence in her own worth.She finds it only through others' validation.It is quite pathetic actually.Her life is very glitzy on the outside but inside?Only she knows.

Experts tell us that this is a lifelong condition-it is not possible to cure it.But Talk Therapy can offer relief.An histrionic female may feel depressed but even then she is not likely to seek therapy unless a major life support crumbles.In extreme cases she may indulge in suicidal threats or behavior to grab attention.It is up to those who are close to her,to persuade her to seek psychotherapy.It can ease their predicament to some extent.

Do you know  any histrionic personality closely?Which other characteristics did you spot in her?And how do you deal with her?

"The exact cause of histrionic personality disorder is unknown. Scientists believe it is an outcome of both environmental and genetic factors."
https://www.healthline.com/health/histrionic-personality-disorder#causes

Image courtesy google search.

A Common Cause of Unhappiness:Comparisons

They say happiness is a state of mind.It follows that the various constituents of our mind are what make us happy.And if we are sad,then too it must be because of the workings of an element of our mind only.In order to be happy we need to weed out that element,tendency or habit which  cooks up despondence for us.

One such culprit is the human tendency to rate oneself in comparison to others.I hasten to add that comparisons can be useful too.When we recognize we are far more talented than many others,our self esteem climbs up many notches.Even negative comparisons can inspire us to jack up our performance or cultivate in our own selves a quality which we admire in others.

But this happens only if we remain level-headed and do not bemoan our inadequacy or mediocrity every time we come across someone who is more accomplished than us in any way. When unfavorable comparisons become a habit,they also become a major source of unhappiness because they  spawn discontent and wither our self esteem.This  throws a damper on our confidence and zeal.Even a hitherto happy person begins to feel restless and dissatisfied after such comparisons.Anxiety arrives,followed by jealousy and rancor.Peace of mind goes out of the window.

You can read this post to raise your self esteem.

All of us are different in each and every way.No clones around.When our genes,upbringing,education,backgrounds and responsibilities are all different,then what is the use of rating ourselves in comparison to others?We are born with certain innate talents and aptitudes which,if nurtured,will take us far.But negative comparisons can deflect our attention from the goals which best suit our abilities. They may even goad us to take an inappropriate route in pursuit of that charisma which we espied in someone else.

By all means keep a benchmark in front of you to guide your journey.Evolve and learn new skills,but imitating anyone is not the best way to do it.Even if you do come abreast with the person who unknowingly kindled your race;given your tendency to compete,you will soon espy another person who is superior to you and in this way the race will never end.You will remain dissatisfied all your life.

For more on the merits and demerits of competition you can read  this post.

It is no doubt very disconcerting to realize that you are less than someone else; but instead of getting upset,seize that moment to discover the potentials which you have and make the best use of those God-given gifts.Compete only with yourself.Better yourself every day and one day people will look admiringly at you and strive to equal you.

I am reminded of Anand (name changed) who was depressed because he was was doubtful of gaining admission in a prestigious institute.When I asked him if he had a plan B in mind he said his uncle and his son had graduated from that very institute and if they could,why not him?He was determined to end his life if he failed.See the extent to which a comparison can disrupt our thinking? It led this boy to the brink of suicide.

These days it is more difficult than ever to keep away from negative comparisons.The high achievers and the glitterati are all over the media,as are the glossy updates of friends and family.To safeguard your cool,remember that the ground reality may be quite different from what you see on the social network sites. If you pay more than cursory attention to them,you are bound to be frustrated.Instead of being grateful for what you have,you will be depressed because of what you do not have but others do.Give up such comparisons and you will be happy as you are and where you are. 

Image courtesy google search.

A Negative Outlook,and How to Change It.

Contrary circumstances will evoke negativity in anyone,but it generally subsides when things get back to normal.However, a negative outlook becomes a prominent character trait in some people.They see flaws and disadvantages in everything.There are plenty of complaints and criticisms but no constructive suggestions.A proclivity to denounce and not appreciate is also seen in negative people.For them,the glass is always half empty and not half full.It becomes an instinctive reaction-coming spontaneously from their guts.

A negative mindset distorts reality and presents it as much more alarming and depressing than it really is.The result is a flush of disturbing emotions like fear,despair,anger,hatred,jealousy,anxiety and pessimism.

This kind of outlook has a deleterious effect on all aspects of life.However dissatisfied you might be with your current state of affairs-whether it be in the sphere of your job,home,marriage or the city you reside in-you hesitate to introduce changes or make a new beginning because you can only see snags in the available options.

Even when you do make a new beginning,since you do not hope that anything worthwhile will come out of it,you make half hearted efforts and thus prove yourself right.This accentuates your negativity even more.As the famous personal development guru Zig Ziglar said "positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will".

Changing from negativity to positivity can bring about a refreshing change in your life.If you  want to achieve this:

Stop complaining!

Wherever possible,focus on the humorous aspect of things which irk you.

Appreciate any service rendered to you.

Check the habit of criticizing others.

Think up their good qualities and comment on those instead.

Resist the tendency to contradict what others say.

Don't pick flaws in others' performance.

Acknowledge the good work done by them.

Recount your own talents,abilities,achievements and strengths-however dormant they might be in your mind at that point of time-whenever you take up a new task.

Spruce up your self esteem.

Build up your self confidence.

Finally,take a moment before you form your opinions,trash the thoughts which are not factually correct,bite your tongue if you are about to say,or even think something negative;and the world will soon see you in a positive avatar.You will realize that your life, the people around you and the world on the whole is not as bad as you had taken it to be. You will find greater joy and success in life.

The Pit of #Self-pity

I don't know about you all but I have found

that whenever I am seething with rage,discontent,or a feeling that I have the shoddiest life possible;at the bottom of it all is--much though I hate to admit it--self-pity.

There are times when self-pity is called for and times when it is not.It is natural to pity oneself when in the midst of a tragedy,but here I am talking of the small stuff,the day-to-day hassles like a tiff with a loved one,the daily help on leave,lots of stuff on one's plate,very little leisure time,not being invited to a friend's party,no fun in life,etc etc.

These might seem like pin-pricks to you but they are enough to throw me into the slush of self-pity.I become surly and snap at whoever crosses my path.Those who know me maintain a safe distance,and then I feel lonelier than ever.The atmosphere of my home crackles with uncertainty,anything could happen!One small grievance becomes the cause of many more unpleasant experiences.All because my maid took two days' leave,or the cooler of my room had stopped working.In this way I generate many more reasons to pity myself.

We all feel self-pity now and then but the problem starts when it becomes a signature tune.Cognitive distortions like Black and White Thinking or filtration are often responsible for it.We overlook all that is hunky-dory and obsess over pesky irritants.And then there are comparisons-if we keep comparing ourselves with those who are smarter,wealthier stronger or more successful than us,then we can never be happy.Sometimes we also do it to draw attention to ourselves. Emotional trauma like a breakup,separation or a major failure or loss too,can ignite self-pity.

It is cathartic to shed tears and grieve for a while but ultimately self-pity does more harm than good.

It prevents us from trying to achieve that,which we envy in others.We have this blanket excuse that the cosmos is against us,we do not have the facilities which others enjoy.We overlook the fact that the impediments which we believe are holding us back,are commonplace problems which others faced and overcame.Self-pity gives us an excuse for being an underachiever and taking life easy. 

Indulging in self-pity in order to gain sympathy or help from others does not  work for long.After a while it begins to annoy people.It is viewed as fake behavior and people being busy with their own problems,do not like to be drawn into imaginary or exaggerated woes.It becomes counter productive.It also spoils our public image.We are likely to be slotted as weepy whiners.

What's more,our happiness becomes contingent upon others reactions.If they sympathise with us we are happy,and if not,we become even more dejected than we were before.

Self-pity prevents us from paying heed to our family,friends and the people around us.They might be looking to us for love or support,but we being consumed with our own miseries,do not get their signals.We let them down.In this way we deprive ourselves of the happiness which comes from a bunch of warm relationships.

Playing the victim is much easier than taking charge of our lives,but if we can get out of this cocoon,we shall be rewarded with better chances of success and happiness.

If you want to relinquish this habit then first of all determine which facet of life is causing you the maximum misery.Is it your health,family,friends,love life,career or your financial condition?Pick up that one factor which never fails to depress you.Can you change it?Or at least tone it down?Do whatever can be done to ease your situation and whatever deficit remains;learn to live graciously with it.

You must remember that love,luck,success and happiness are not distributed evenly in this world.There are certain things with which everybody has to compromise.Lamenting about them only makes things worse.Self-pity is not a good coping mechanism.There are no benefits,only disadvantages.Next time when you are on the verge of throwing a pity party,stop.Consider what it will do to you.And turn back.

Six Habits Which Can Keep You Subpar.

Habits are diehard ways of thinking and behaving which make us who we are.Gradually,they rule out many options from our lives because the comfort of old habits prevents us from attempting anything new.You can call it a desire to live in our comfort zones.

But sticking religiously to old habits keeps us from evolving and becoming sharper.We are witnessing massive changes around us in this era.It is not easy to keep abreast of all those changes but it becomes almost impossible if we are bogged down by our old habits.Here are a few examples:--

• Following a fixed routine-If you are doing today what you have been doing for the bygone weeks,months or years,where is the need for your brain to strain itself?It will snooze in it's comfort zone.But like any other organ of the body,the brain too needs exercise in order to work at its optimum capacity.
• Refusing to try anything new-This is partly like the aforesaid habit but it has wider ramifications.Technology has invaded every aspect of life today.Numerous needs can be fulfilled at the click of a button but if we continue to do things the old way,the brain slows down and our personality loses it's spark.We also waste a lot of time doing what could have been done in a jiffy.
• Keeping aloof-It is not media alone which informs us about the developments which can make life easier for us.People around us can fill in the gaps if our knowledge is incommensurate,and the tech-savvy can be roped in to learn the tricks.
• Not asking questions-We avoid asking questions in order to conceal our ignorance but in the process we become more and more ignorant.We may pretend that we know it all but others can easily see through this facade.This tendency is responsible for us remaining ignorant in many fields.
• Rejecting criticism-There are two kinds of critics-those who wish to pull us down and those who have our welfare at heart.When we reject the second kind we lose an opportunity to improve ourselves.
• Lack of curiosity-Newton's curiosity about the reason for an apple falling off the tree led to phenomenal changes in our views about the world we inhabit.It is curiosity which introduces us to new domains and enlarges the field of  our knowledge.

Not only do above habits prevent us from keeping pace with this fast changing world, they also nibble at our self esteem.Changing the very basic ways of conducting our affairs is certainly not easy, but incorporating at least some of the required changes in our lifestyles will enable us to become one of a cluster and not  an isolated dot.

Cognitive Distortion-Personalization

Personalization is a very common thought disorder.It denotes assuming blame for things not under one's control,holding oneself responsible for others' behavior and interpreting their actions as being directed at oneself even when this is not the case.This kind of thinking produces unwarranted stress and tension. 

When someone holds himself responsible for any blunder,mishap or tragedy which was not his fault,he invokes unnecessary guilt,shame and remorse.Suppose an innocuous remark by someone sets off a heated debate amongst friends and he blames himself for having brought a friendly reunion to a bitter end,he is unjustifiably castigating himself by personalizing the debacle.

Personalization also causes discord and hostility.When a casual remark by an acquaintance is taken personally by someone,it leads to a thaw in the relationship.Taking another example,if a person beset by personal problems passes by a friend without registering his presence,the latter promptly concludes that he is miffed with him.Now he spends hours wondering why that person is annoyed with him and what he had done to deserve such treatment.When they next meet,he gives him the cold shoulder in order to get even,and kaput goes a promising relationship!All this,without any substance.

Many of us fall in this trap some time or the other,but when this becomes a regular pattern it generates rancor,spoils relationships and vitiates the ambience.Of course nobody would choose to do all this knowingly,but our insecurities distort our perception of reality.A person who is unsure of himself and has poor self esteem is more likely to personalize things.

Sustained efforts are needed to get rid of this tendency.Here are some tips:--

Whenever an agonizing thought clouds your mind check its veracity;ascertain if it is fact or fiction.Be more logical and less impetuous while drawing conclusions about everyday happenings.

For longer lasting benefits,strengthen your self esteem and be confident of your value systems and abilities so that you do not hold yourself responsible for everything that goes wrong.You will feel significantly relieved when you have gotten rid of this thought disorder.

#Cognitive Distortion-# Filtering

Normally when we filter something we keep the useful portions and throw off the chaff.But in the thinking process known as filtration we do just the opposite.Or we may may concentrate so much upon one aspect of a situation or task that we forget about the rest.

Suppose you go to a party and have a good time with your friends but one acquaintance-B- snubs you.If this spoils your mood so much that you cannot sleep the night,then you are guilty of filtration.You ignore the overall experience and cling to a tiny bad part of it.

We receive adulation from some and rejection from some others.We may succeed in one enterprise but fail in another.Amongst many warm relationships,there might be a failed one too.Those who can put the disconcerting elements behind them,or at least not concentrate solely upon them;are the ones who will be hopeful,sanguine,enthusiastic and happy.

But agonizing over annoying bits and ignoring the positive aspects could depress anybody.Filtration saps self esteem and makes one pessimistic.This is self-goal or self inflicted misery.Those who feel depressed and dissatisfied with life should scrutinize their thoughts to find out if the cause lies in filtration or any other cognitive distortion.

It is easy to get rid of this habit,only you should first recognize that your thinking is erroneous and it is harming your interests.One way of doing this is,to add 'but' after every troublesome thought and continue from there.Going back to the earlier example,when you say to yourself " B does not like me," add "but I have many friends who do."See the difference?Doing this every time will diminish your anxiety.You will be more satisfied with the tenor of your life.

Try to be more rational and balanced about the things which normally pique you.Whenever a troublesome feeling raises its head,recall the agreeable elements associated with it,which you had overlooked.Soon you will realize that along with the annoying bits there are also many pleasing features in your life.

These seemingly minor changes can cut out the negativity in your life and make you happier.

Next:--
Magnification and Minimization. 

Cognitive Distortion--# Fortune Telling or # Jumping to Conclusions

Cognitive distortions are irrational,biased, or exaggerated thoughts about our own personality or simply about what happens around us.They warp our understanding of reality,thereby rendering us ill equipped to lead a fruitful life.Alice Boyes in Psychology Today has listed as many as 50 cognitive distortions.For Black and White cognitive distortion you can see this post.

Fortune Telling or Jumping to Conclusions is another distortion with which   many of us might be familiar.As the very name suggests,those prone to this kind of thinking decide beforehand what the outcome of anything is going to be.They apprehend dangers where none exist,and permit their misgivings to guide their actions.The seed might lie in a painful past,lack of confidence,low self esteem,or innate pessimism.

Jumping to conclusions implies forming opinions and imputing motives to others without any substantive evidence.This kind of thinking is different from sixth sense or instinct.When you jump to conclusions about others' conduct without considering attending circumstances,you put up a wall against them. This can be detrimental to your relationships.

Those who denounce everything without even giving it a fair trial are usually creatures of habit who feel secure in their comfort zones.Whether it is about a new job,interview,or a change of domicile;they will start with the conviction that it is not going to work (positive fortune telling is rare).A lack of resolve and half-hearted efforts will result in fulfilling their predictions,reinforcing their way of thinking.

With the passage of time cognitive distortions mutate into automatic thoughts and influence our behavior significantly.Premonitions prevent us from picking our way forward in life.We could miss a lucky chance or a pleasurable experience.When our mind is repeatedly sending ominous signals, evolving and realizing our potential becomes difficult.Trashing everything new consigns us to a subpar,monotonous,lonely existence.

Naturally,this kind of thinking is deleterious for success and happiness.You can get out of this rut by being more mindful of your thoughts:-

How many times in a day do you presuppose outcomes and intentions?Recall,and write down the number of times this happened.

How often did you change your course because of a premonition?

Now check if these beliefs were supported by evidence.

Would a third,objective person have reached the same conclusions?

Are your assumptions doing you any good,or are they blocking your progress?

Would you be happier if there was less negativity and more accuracy in your thoughts?

Gyalwang Drukpa has put it very nicely-

"You will find life more relaxing and rewarding if you go about your daily life with a little more mindfulness which encourages appreciation,helps us be more generous and kind and so brings us happiness" 
    

#Cognitive Distortion-- #Black and White Thinking

Cognitive distortions are inaccurate,biased thought patterns which mostly spawn negative emotions about ourselves or the world around us.These negative emotions influence our beliefs as well as our behavior,and foment relationship conflicts,anxiety or depression.If we become habituated to distorted thinking,we fail to realize that our views about our own self or those around us are totally misplaced.The resultant agony can be averted by nailing the irrational/exaggerated/faulty thought patterns and getting rid of them.

One such cognitive distortion is Black and White Thinking-the belief that things are either right or wrong, good or bad.Those who fall prey to such thinking totally miss  that there are many more shades in between,which are much more common and reasonable.

How often do you utter polar words like awful-awesome,disgusting-heavenly,scoundrel-saint,imbecile-genius,detestable-lovable?These extreme terms certainly embellish our language with color and intensity,but do they portray the said person or situation accurately?Seldom can any individual or circumstance be pinned at one end of the spectrum.

Many of our problems start when we begin to think of life conditions or our own image in such extremes.Suppose I fail to finish a project in time and then curse myself that this always happens with me,I am good for nothing.Finishing it on the dot was what counted with me and since this did not happen,I felt that I had failed--totally!I did not consider how near completion my work was,and how good its quality.If I always gloss over the finer/better aspects of any situation then my vision of the world,or my life,will always be dark and murky.

Suppose I expect a friend to support me in an ongoing altercation but she chooses to take the other side.Upon going home I rave and rant about her,using epithets like mean,horrible,good for nothing;forgetting her other sterling qualities.I may even break off with her,and then repent all my life.The correct thought should have been that she had disappointed me this time.No one is all good or all bad,and expecting people to conform to your specifications can mar relationships.

It can even become worse.Think of the various instances of young students killing themselves simply because they could not gain admission in an institute of their choice.Why couldn't they have settled for the second best and continued to live?The same thing happens when a lover's advances are spurned by his/her heartthrob.So many people sink into depression or contemplate suicide because of such setbacks,overlooking the positive aspects of their lives.It is all or nothing for them--another name for Black and white thinking.

This kind of thinking wipes out the whites and leaves only dismal,depressing blacks.Therefore,if you catch yourself slipping into this mode,pause.Do a reality check.How close to truth are you?What are the facts which point to the opposite direction?Introspect --what is it in you which prompted you to use that term?Is it a bias,vindictiveness,jealousy,lack of confidence,poor self esteem,past experience,or habitual despondence?

Once you begin to view reality in a rational,objective manner, a lot of your anxiety will dissolve,leaving a more amicable and peaceful you behind.

Next--Fortune Telling

Image,courtesy google.

Violent Ends to Intimate or Personal Relationships

These days more and more intimate/personal relationships are meeting a splattering end.When romance dissipates or is spurned,or infidelity (actual or perceived),strains a relationship;violence sometimes comes rushing in.Why?I guess there must be as many reasons as there are instances,but the bottomline is,that we are very short on tolerance.We cannot take 'no' for an answer.


I wonder  where this kind of reaction stems from.Is it because of a desperation to find a mate by any means?

A colossal lack of self-esteem?A nagging fear that if this proposal is refused,another one won't be coming?

Or is it due to a mammoth ego which cannot bear a rebuttal or the hint of deceit?

Perhaps those who resort to violence had a very gruesome past and know no other way of reacting to rejection.

Or it could be due to the rush of anger,an inability to control oneself during a barrage of emotions.

Or else the culprit modelled himself/herself on violent,aggressive members of his/her family.

Alcohol and drugs too can result in poor coping skills ending in violence in face of denial.

Then there are certain psychological conditions like narcissism,antisocial personality disorder,psychopathy or brain damage,which predispose a person to aggression or violence.


Whatever be the reason,it is imperative to be able to spot the red flags early in the day.If you are in a new alliance try to find out about that person's antecedents like where his homeplace is,how long he has been living at the current address,where his family is,what kind of friends he has,and what happened to his earlier relationships,if any.

Everybody is on perfect behavior in the initial stages of a relationship but as time passes and familiarity increases,some danger signals become apparent.Therefore be vigilant.Watch that person's body-language for any clues--the clenched fists,a grim jaw,narrow eyes,a hostile expression,an abrupt full stop during a conversation--it could be anything.Body-language precedes incriminations,insults or physical and verbal abuse.Shouting and swearing could denote the first rungs of violent behavior.Possessiveness,jealousy,excessive interrogation also spell danger.

Psychopaths especially are known for their charming ways.They are adroit manipulators and can easily fool someone.They have scant regard for others emotions and no compunctions in spilling blood.


If you have some doubt about anyones intentions please confide in someone.Maintain a safe distance if you do not want to break off just yet.Avoid going to lonesome places and keep a pepper spray handy.

If you find yourself in the company of an agitated,aggressive,intoxicated person don't turn your back towards him.Allow him to vent out his aggression through speech.Don't interrupt him and don't argue.Keep an escape route open.See if a nearby object can help you to shield yourself from the attacker.

However,it is best to steer clear of any precarious situation as soon as possible and take the help of suitable authorities.

You may also like :--

Marital Abuse--The Deadly Tie
http://jeeteraho.blogspot.in/2012/09/a-deadly-tie.html

Image and links courtesy Google search :)