A Tear-Straight From The Heart

 It would be worth my while to die,

If I could see a tear in your eye.

A token of love fom you at last,

To smoothen all the hurts of past.

 

A touch of sigh,for the days gone by,

A tinge of sorrow,for a different tomorrow.

A bit of regret, to make you fret.

A heartfelt pain?No I hope in vain.

You so cold,so aloof, so serene;

could there be a current of warmth unseen?

Was there a glance which pierced your armour?

And then forever usurped your ardour?

You do well to remain in  supreme disdain,

Of feelings humane,pleasure or pain.

Slowly I find I become one of your kind,

Though embers do glow underneath the rime.

This grip of melancholy now holds me like a vice,

And the vigour of life slowly turns to ice.

This is a crossroad-I have to decide,

Was I born to live or cast like a dice?

Though the swell is past and waters abate,

Why emulate what I fervently hate?

This would surely be the worst kind of treason,

To desert myself in the fall of the season?

Oh God forbid that there should be a day,

When my own tranquility should cause me dismay.

When love's gentle call would no more enthrall

Cause if I gave all I would also loose all?

When timid overtures would no more reach.

The inner space all gone to seed.

Therefore I say God let me die,

PERHAPS I could see a tear in his eye.

Cudgelled into Obedience--All facts no Fiction.

What could be the reason behind a decent 27 year old B.Tech boy smashing mobiles ,breaking his watch and even taking a swipe at his wife-though instantly regretting it?This is what brought him to my counselling centre.He was at the end of his tether.Anger and agitation were written all over his face.

No prodding was needed.He blurted out instantly'My father and his elder brother have destroyed my life.'He had planned to take the GMAT test but his elders conned him into getting engaged to a girl three years ago.He was even beaten up to comply.But he managed to break that tie after a few months.The girl in question attempted suicide.This plunged him into depression and he was treated for it by a psychiatrist who warned his father to not thrust any major decision upon him.

Despite this,the duo got him engaged to another girl after one year.He broke off that engagement too but six months later he was forced to marry a girl citing his grandfather's illness.The girl was not his equal intellectually or culturally--she had a village background,although she was a post graduate.So they were not happy.

After he had narrated all that was boiling inside him,I gave him suitable advice.When I followed up after a few months I came to know that he had gone to Delhi to prepare for his exam.

I hope they are better adjusted now.But his father and uncle did their best to mess up the lives of their son and three other girls.Obedience,children's compliance-at this cost?

Image courtesy shutterstock

The Good,Bad,Better and Best Half !

The Good Times

The first flush of marriage is good.For most

everybody.Both are at their rosy,syrupy best.Even the extended families can be recognized by the overflowing milk of human kindness.Best clothes,best manners,best behavior;what more could a couple want?Each vies with the other to please and be pleasant.

The Bad Half

Like all good things,this phase comes to an end.The polish begins to wear off.Hidden kinks emerge.They see each other in their true colors.Why do you climb the bed with dirty feet?Change your socks PLEASE!Hang out your towel to dry.You have burnt the vegetable today and yesterday you burnt my toast.Your chapaties are so stiff.My mom is such a fantastic cook,you should learn from her.You can go back to HER !

This is the general refrain after the incubation period ends.The disease is at it's vilest.Expectations crash down to the Down Under.Dreams wither and tempers flicker.A power struggle ensues.Each tries to gain control by playing the blame card.And then there are attempts to fashion the other person according to one's own specifications.If you can live through this phase,your ties are as good as cemented.

The Better Half

Ting tong!The apple of your eye arrives.There is a lot of flurry.A new bond is created.Self obsession gives way to a common obsession.Both sides give in a bit.Can't scream or bang doors when the baby is sleeping--can you?There are more important issues to be taken care of.The childish games of one-up-man-ship are relegated to the background or deferred to a more convenient time(which never arrives).A slip here or a lapse there is ignored.Good old adaptation has made it's entry.Both can truthfully refer to the hitherto ogre as their better half.

The Best Half

Ting tong!Another baby?After twenty years?Nah,this is middle age knocking at your door.The birdie has flown the nest.The original combatants are again face to face.Now what?More sparks?Nah!The heart is heavy with a hollow feeling.There is no inclination to fight.Both try to reorganize their lives once again around each other.

Soon one or both of them retire.Even more of togetherness.Will we see some fireworks now?It has been so long.But no,there is little energy left for a proper ding-dong.I think both have resigned themselves to their differences.And some of them have even been erased to meet at the equator.There is very little impetus to gain the upper hand.

Meanwhile old age slips in without knocking.Infirmity

or disease of one rattles the other.There is a lot of concern,empathy,caring and finally,genuine,unadulterated love.But unfortunately,this is not the proper age to say 'I love you.'

What Went Wrong?All Facts,No Fiction.

She was a model child--quiet,obedient and well behaved.Highly intelligent and pretty to look at.Everybody praised her gentle mannerisms.She did well in school,though not fantastically so.She had a narcissistic streak from the very beginning and was a a perfectionist by nature.

Then the time came for her to get married.She rejected many proposals,finding some fault or the other in the boys.Ultimately she settled for one.The boy was enamored by her and they started their married life on a happy note.But her husband turned out to be a Casanova.There were ugly spats.

Ultimately she returned to her parental home with her kids.Her parents were very fond of her and took the necessary steps to make them comfortable.But contrary to everybody's expectations she was not happy.She became paranoid,suspected others' motives and made unreasonable accusations.This was followed by violent fits of anger.She also began to suffer from #Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.She would spend hours washing her hands and taking bath.Her kids cajoled her to consult a psychiatrist who prescribed #Psychiatric medicines.

These medicines did subdue her symptoms but she could not return to her original,normal self.Now,after having taken them for many years,she has become a caricature of her old self.She is prim,proper,formal and cordial;but the spark is missing.Certainly her condition prior to taking the medicines was unbearable but now she has become absolutely wooden in her responses.It is as if she is living in a mist.Her doctor says she would have gotten much worse if she had not been treated;but this too,is no life.

Why do psychiatric medicines have such disastrous side effects?Very often the poor patients don't have a say in whether they want to ingest them or not.It is easy to manipulate them--for their own comfort and also for the family's convenience.Till better medicines are invented many will be forced to live a blighted life.

But I wonder,where did she go wrong?A promising life was all but extinguished in the prime of youth.Was it her narcissism which caused her to make unreasonable demands from others?Or did her perfectionism make her difficult to live with?Did her parents' cosseting render her unfit to face the ups and downs of life?

There is no doubt that her husband was a philanderer but after she separated from him what slashed her chances of leading a normal life?Her mental disease surely,but it could have been the consequence of what transpired between husband and wife.Who is at fault?Many factors coalesce to make us what we are.One never knows how they will pan out in adult life.

The Catalyst and the Chrysalis

She was waiting for him,

To say a word.

All she said,

Had gone unheard.

A sapling transplanted,

In new environs,

Hoped for an anchor,

To just hold on.

The hostile soil,

Did not oblige.

Harsh winds sucked,

At the succulence inside.

But the seed below,
Was rearing with life.
Tender roots clung
To deep earth inside.

Thus began a saga,
Of  patient evolution,
She was her own support,
Her own destination.

To Togetherness

My last post on the same topic i.e a successful marriage was rather futuristic in nature.This one is about building up a harmonious relationship and more contemporary.

No matter how much we thrash the major issues before marriage,some differences of opinion and unpalatable traits are bound to emerge when two individuals proceed into deeper waters.It is then that their forbearance,wisdom and adaptability are put to test.

These days we have become very individualistic and the desire to adjust is not very strong.As a result marriages are failing in greater numbers.If two persons think that their relationship has turned sour or they are not getting what they wanted from it, they are quick to divorce;believing that the next tie will give them the fulfillment which is lacking in this one.

This could be a good option where grave problems exist,but often a couple seeks divorce on frivolous grounds,just because they do not want to compromise;not realizing that no matter how many partners they change,tolerance and adjustment shall always be required.

There are certain basic principles which can help a couple to cement their relationship.A brief article written by me on this subject was published in Kota Plus supplement of TOI on 14th Nov.I reproduce a copy of that text below:--

To togetherness

The initial euphoria of marriage simmers down with time and reality pushes into the fore.Two individuals who had hitherto only seen each other at their best are now exposed to the harsh glare of close proximity.Disappointments and disillusions are inevitable.

In order to build a harmonious life together,it is essential to accept your partner in totality;trying at the same time, to avoid clashes by adjusting according to his/her predilections.The changes should come from the person's own volition.Do not attempt a  make-over of your partner---it is bound to create resentment and hostility.Remember your significant other is a human and if s/he has certain foibles then you too are not perfect.Both need to ignore minor irritations.

However if you have a serious complaint then tell it to your spouse in specific words and even tones.Stick to the particular behavior which hurts you.Don't pass sweeping comments like-you don't love me.Then listen patiently to his/her answer.Try to look at things from your partner's point of view.Also,take care to not rake up old issues--that will only exacerbate the situation.

Things go wrong despite best intentions.At such moments you need to find out a mutually acceptable solution.Desist from fixing the blame on your spouse.This can have disastrous consequences.The need is to improve the situation,and not destroy your partnership.

Affairs which concern the family should be frankly discussed by the couple.Any attempt to force a decision upon the other person or keep secrets is bound to create rift.

Ego problems can create a wide chasm between a couple.Keep the communication lines open and say sorry if you are at fault.

If your better half is upset, ask what happened and do what you can,to improve his/her mood.

If your spouse is very angry or a confrontation becomes explosive,then it is best to remove yourself from the scene. 

The worst enemy of a couple is adultery,it's definition is rather fluid after the onset of internet--value your partner's sentiments.

The newness of marriage wears off after a few years and monotony creeps in.New pastures might look greener,but remember no matter how many partners you change,tolerance,patience and adaptation will always be required.A perfect marriage has to be worked at,it does not come ready-made.Build up a relationship on mutual trust,loyalty,devotion and honesty,and you can be sure of living together happily ever after :) . 

Living happily ever after...

The marriage season is in full swing but a lot of caution should be exercised before one ties the knot.Premarital counseling  can help the prospective couple to avoid a mis-matched marriage and the heart-ache of a divorce.Considering this i sent an article to Kota Plus supplement of TOI which was published on 7th Nov 2014.I reproduce a copy of it below:---

A Happy Marriage

Marriage season is fast approaching.Every couple gets into matrimony envisioning a happy, life-long partnership, but it is a sad commentary on our times that incidents of divorce are rising.Problems arise because two individuals coming from different backgrounds,having their own dreams,expectations and value systems, are thrown together and often fail to reconcile themselves to those differences. If only they could know in advance what the other person expects from them and whether or not they can fulfill those expectations,it could save them a lot of heart-ache.One way of avoiding a failed marriage is to go for pre-marital counseling.It will enable the couple to be aware of the pitfalls which could possibly crop up and enable them to plan their future accordingly.The prospective bride and groom should both attend it together.

Here are some pointers for such a session:---

• Are you happy with this match?
• What do you expect from your partner?Do you know what s/he expects from you?Can you/do you want to,fulfill those expectations?
• Do your value systems match?Which is that one quality with which you will not compromise?
• If you follow different religions, will both of you have the liberty to follow your own religion?
• Will you live in a joint family or a nuclear one?
• Does the girl have the choice to build up her career or be a home maker if she likes?
• If she takes up a job,will she have the freedom to keep her money,or help her parents;or will she be expected to put her money in the joint kitty?If the boy is transferred to another city will the wife be forced to leave her job and follow him? Will they share the details of their earnings and investments with each other?
• Will the boy discuss major issues with his wife before taking a decision?
• Do they have similar views on when and how many children they should have?Suppose one of them is infertile,what shall their course of action be in that case?If they belong to different religions,then whose religion will the child follow?
• Are they both medically clean and compatible--in terms of HIV or Rh factor?
•  

Pre-marital counseling enables the couple to judge if they are on the same wave-length so that if the chasm is impassable the marriage can be shelved.It is best to make a wise decision rather than sticking to a wrong one when the prospects of a harmonious union look bleak.

Adultery,When The Damage Has Been Done--3

This post is the last of the series.If you have not read the two previous post you may like to start from here.
The old definition of adultery has become defunct since the advent of telephone sex,sexting,facebook romance and porn.It now boils down to how much you both think is morally right and how much is admissible to your spouse.Even open marriages have invaded the scene but this does not discount the fact that when a mate cheats the results can be disastrous.The day this perfidy is revealed is no less explosive than the eruption of a volcano.Accusations,denials,excuses,threats and angry retorts are flung back and forth.

After all has been said and heard the cheated mate sits down to decide-what next?If the villain of the piece refuses to reform and if the aggrieved person has a support system to fall back upon;there may be only two options open--to either show her/him the door or walk out the door.

But what if the libertine promises to not repeat his/her mistakes?Then the spouse has to decide whether s/he can forgive and make a fresh beginning.So many variables influence this decision--whether adultery was a one off mistake or a habit,whether they have kids,how long they have been married,what was the rapport like before this happened,how much love & respect still remains between the two and if this is the only fly in the ointment.

A cheated spouse should remember that the pain is at it's peak at the time of disclosure but it will come down eventually and slowly things will begin to settle down.On the other hand if you are thinking of separation or divorce, make sure that the new life you choose will be better than this one.

You should not jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Initially of course you can be forgiven for calling your spouse the worst possible worm in the g****r,but if you decide to swallow this episode as a bitter pill and save your home from breaking,then take care to suppress your vocabulary of derogatory terms.The culprit must already be feeling sheepish, don't humiliate him/her any further.You are in pain because your trust has been  trampled upon,but s/he too must be feeling guilty.It is better to bury the past and focus upon mending your relations.Give it time because there will be many glitches in reconnecting once again.Both of you will be reminded of what had come in between you but as time passes this deceit will be overshadowed by other,pleasanter experiences and you will hopefully recapture the old magic.

Forgiving is not easy but nursing your blisters,keeping them raw is painful and futile.Of course you would want to know with whom and how many times your partner two-timed you but beyond this,avoid going into the gory details.The less you know,the better for your sanity.If you decide to resume your married life once again it will be wise to lay down certain conditions:----

* You have the right to check his/her cell phone and emails.
* Your spouse will not rave or rant when you ask where s/he went and why   s/he is so late.
* All financial dealings will be transparent and above board.
* Both of you can decide upon a course of action if this should    happen  again.
* While the cheat was in an illicit relationship s/he must have        withdrawn many rights,privileges and facilities from you,these  should be returned forthwith.
* S/he will not take out his frustration at having to tow the line by picking up other issues in order to put you down.  

It depends upon the individual involved whether all these efforts will keep him in check or not but if honest efforts can save a family from breaking it is worth a trial.

Image courtesy google.

Adultery,Safeguard Your Marriage---2

Nothing happens all of a sudden and before adultery too, there are signs of discord and dissatisfaction.If and when a couple feels that their marriage is tottering it is time to have a heart-to-heart talk;the focus being,not on incrimination,but an endeavour to find out where things went wrong and what should be done about it.Ask your partner what s/he would like you to change and also say what displeases you --but in even tones.This is more effective than banging stuff and shouting.

No one likes anybody to attempt their make-over but when it is done voluntarily it is more effective and permanent.Therefore listen to your partner's stray,indirect comments,perceive what he likes or dislikes,and adjust accordingly.You may dislike certain traits in your spouse but don't expect a drastic makeover.Also,do not humiliate him/her because of it.Give more,expect less if you want a long lasting marriage.

A lot of adjustment may be needed in the sphere of sex.Unless your spouse demands something which is abhorrent to you,try and take care of his/her needs.Also say what you desire and enjoy.

In some marriages love grows with time,but respect for the partner should be there from the beginning.If you do not respect your mate you are ,in fact,driving him/her in the arms of someone who does.

Man or woman,both stray because the third person appreciates them,makes them feel good,likable and attractive.In order to avoid this happening,fulfill this need of your spouse.When s/he gets it at home s/he will not look outside.Just a small example to illustrate my point--suppose you both have decked up for a party.Your significant other is looking ravishing,smart or debonair.You notice this but keep quiet.At the party if you meet a well dressed friend you will surely compliment him/her.Why not your spouse?

Everybody is in hot pursuit of a flourishing career today.Some have no compunctions about using sex to further their ends.Beware of such persons--they will use you as a ladder, not caring if your family has been ravaged in the process.

After a few years of marriage the charm wears off and monotony sets in.Obviate this by springing a surprise now and then;expressing your love for your partner and exploring new fields which will enthuse both of you.

Surprises (when they are pleasant of course!) are good but it is equally important to have well-established routines--somewhat like the trade mark of your family.Build up a life which satisfies your family's needs and which they would not like to live without.Establish certain traditions which they anticipate and enjoy-whether it is a weekly outing,dining out,holidaying,or playing,praying and exercising together.If you are unable to take a vacation from work explore the interesting places in your own city on a Sunday, as if you are a tourist there.Common recreational activities hold a family together and bestow lasting happy memories which come to aid when one feels lonely or despondent.Also form core groups with common friends.

The whole motive is to increase together-times and decrease time spent alone.Individual activities in spare time-like both doing their own thing in separate rooms,using their gadgets in privacy tend to create a distance between the two so that when the need arises to share thoughts,express emotions and ask advice,an invisible wall looms up.The gap widens and finally one of them looks for empathy and companionship outside marriage.

Mutual bonding of the couple as well as with the children helps to cement family ties.If there is respect for other members of the extended families--ahem,the in-laws-- that too checks a person from straying.

After all adaptations have been attempted,and some attained,a few or more abrasive elements could still mar a conjugal relationship.A habitually reticent or hassled wife or husband may fail to boost a partner's ego while a colleague does it amazingly.But before crossing the line s/he ought to recognise all other things which the other person is doing right.S/he could very well lose all that, plus the peace of his/her heart and home if s/he transgresses the agreed boundaries.The shame and guilt when his kids come to know of it as well as the adverse effects this could have on them should be enough to deter him.

The sensations emanating from an illicit relationship may be very satisfying for a narcissist but wait till the newness wears off and complications set in.Therefore it is best to conserve what you have and spend your energies in perpetuating that rather than giving in to carnal impulses.

ADULTERY---1

Adultery--the very word conjures up a wave of bitterness,deceit,treachery,disillusionment,anger and sorrow.An outsider can just not imagine the pain and shock tormenting a spouse at the receiving end.In fact (let us presume it is the wife),she cannot easily disclose this fact to a third person, leave aside describe her suffering.Thousands of thoughts and memories flit through her mind and her whole life is reduced to thinking about this development.Memories of the good old days haunt her and the uncertainty of a dark lonely future worries her.

But a lot of care should be taken before accusing a husband of adultery.A thorough scrutiny of available evidence is essential because a lot is going to change after she vocalises her suspicions.Rethinking and introspection are called for.Is she reading too much into chance encounters which she happened to witness?Is her husband in fact not an adulterer but merely an extrovert given to complimenting women and engaging in social chit-chat?Could it be that she has issues about  her own looks and personality and is looking at a congenial relationship through green tinted glasses?

A wife who has hostile feelings about her husband--stemming from a huge spat or dire neglect on his part--may begin to suspect his loyalty and then every tiny incident which confirms her suspicions, will be embedded in her mind while those refuting her hypothesis will be relegated to the trash bin.The suspicion thus turns into conviction and she charges him in order to vent her anger.There is a lurking desire that he negate her accusations and assure her of his love and fidelity.But the opposite happens.An innocent man thus maligned erupts into fury and is deeply hurt by lack of trust on her part.

Therefore she should confront him only after she is thoroughly convinced of his infidelity, or has palpable proof in her hands.Otherwise it would be wiser to give him a benefit of doubt, because there are other factors which could misguide a wife into concluding that her partner is cheating on her.Here are some examples:--

* She lacks self esteem.
*She has an overactive imagination.
*She is jealous and possessive by nature.
*Her trust has been betrayed in past.
*She is highly emotional while he is practical and not demonstrative of his affection.
*He is smarter and more social than her.
*He is overburdened with work-cannot maintain a healthy work life balance.
*He has a serious problem at work or with his health, which make him inattentive to her needs.

The seeds of suspicion also stem from the rapid change which our society is witnessing today.More and more women are joining the workforce and there is greater inter-mingling of the sexes.Youth today are more convivial and less inhibited.This can lead to unwanted consequences and misunderstandings.The recent case of Sunanda illustrates the devastating consequences of adultery-whether real or imagined-upon a person's mental state.

Of course I do not deny that there is cheating in conjugal relationships-indeed it exists in ample measure-but this reality must not be allowed to play into the ordinary ups and downs of a couple's relationship.Not every man or woman is an adulterer or even a potential one, because a lot has to be sacrificed for the transitory pleasure derived from an illicit dalliance.

It is not the cheated wife alone who suffers.The adulterer too jeopardises his home,family and a harmonious life when he breaks his marriage vows.He is scared of being found out and left high and dry.Here I am not even talking of divorce,custody of children,alimony,division of property & belongings,breaking up with certain friends & relatives,change of residence and end of a comfortable life routine.

No,over and above all this there is the constant tension of hiding his subterfuge,dishing out one lie after another,thinking up of new excuses every day and the guilt of deceiving his wife--in short the burden of living a double life.Aren't there enough complications in life today without having to add to them?Such secrets do tumble out sooner rather than later and then the culprit's image is sullied irrevocably.Guilt and remorse also catch up somewhere down the lane and then it cannot be undone.

The complications are manifold.But why then do so many succumb to it?For men it is an ego boost or an attempt to test their sexual prowess while for women it is mostly a desire to find appreciation and tenderness,which might be missing in their married life.Underneath these reasons is the basic truth that the marriage rests on a shaky foundation.There may or may not be much acrimony in the relationship;but more important--the adulterer lacks commitment,morality and self control.This post describes the early signals which denote that the affections between a couple are waning.

Footnote:For my convenience i have written this piece from the perspective of a wife but she can easily be substituted by he because adultery is common in both sexes.Therefore spare me the brick-bats please!More to come in the next post.

Image from shutterstock.com

Between a Mother and a Daughter

The other day my daughter asked me a question which set me thinking.She asked me if i had ever discussed my marital problems with my mother.In fact she was convinced that I had not done so & she wanted to know the reason.I was rather surprised at this observation & began to think if it was true.It dawned upon me that she was right--but I could not at once pinpoint why I had not shared my worries with my mom because she was a lovely,loving,kind lady & I loved her dearly.

Like many couples we too had problems in arriving at a workable relationship after marriage.My better half's (BH) attempts to dominate sparked rebellion in me and my criticisms would infuriate him.So it was not smooth sailing all the way--especially when the children were young.

As i pondered over the reasons of my reticence in sharing my troubles with my mom,the whole pattern of life during those days replayed before my eyes.When I got married in 1968 there was no S.T.D.Trunk calls had to be booked for talking to folks in other cities.Suppose I had a tiff with my BH I just could not punch a few numbers and pour my heart out to my mom because trunk calls were tardy,costly & cumbersome.

The only means of communication was a letter but when you are sulking after a hot exchange the last thing you want to do is to sit down & write a letter.By the time I came round to writing a letter, a rapprochement would have taken place & I would have been more benevolently inclined towards my partner.So the question of ranting against poor hubby receded into the background --so much water under the bridge.

Cut to today,where daily phone calls between all dear ones are a norm--including me.When a married daughter is anguished over a development it is natural and normal for her to share it with her mother.She can voice her fears frankly without it being misconstrued.When in doubt,she can ask questions,be reassured and seek solutions.In this way being connected to her mother is a blessing for any daughter.
I did not have this convenience when i was a young married woman but there was an upside to it.I learned to resolve my own troubles & became self-reliant.As a result,i gained strength & climbed a few evolutionary steps.The absence of an instant connection saved me from unduly maligning my poor husband in the heat of the moment.This kept me level-headed & saved our relationship.I could discern where I too, had erred.Had I access to my mother's sympathetic sounds right after a fracas,I could very well have been caught in a vortex of self pity & self righteousness.
I am slowly driving at this--that this constant connectivity has it's pitfalls.When a daughter is aggrieved over a spat with her husband she naturally thinks of talking to her mother about it.If this happens before she has had time to cool down then the mother will sense her pain & come out with sympathetic remarks which could further add fuel to the fire.Or the daughter's outburst may unfairly paint the hubby as an ogre and prejudice her mother against him.Therefore it is more constructive to think things over & cool down before complaining about someone.

Talking to a newly wed daughter needs extra care.I have seen many marriages starting on a wrong footing because the mother eggs on her daughter to brow-beat her husband into fulfilling all her whims-whether right or wrong.I am not talking about gender differences here;but merely stating that it is not wise to overstep the boundary& intrude into a couple's private life--give them a chance to establish their own equation.At the same time a daughter should be assured that her mother will always be there for her.
Today we have so many means of instant communication that it is hard to control oneself whenever the urge to talk to someone strikes us.But like all facilities this one too,needs to be used prudently.

Making Marriage Work

What happens when a true blue,no no,fiery red Arian marries a cool,cool Aquarian? The former is a fire sign while the latter is air.Presumably there will be fireworks.Air will add to fire's potency & the flames will go sky high.Or it could also extinguish it completely.When air adds to fire's vigor is it a good omen?And what if the opposite happens?What transpires in the Arian's mind then?Endless possibilities there.Impossible to predict.Nor could i,when i married my BH--best half,better half, bitter half or bad half--depending on my mood.Therefore let us leave speculation aside & enter the arena right where the shenanigans began.An untold story unfolds:

The journey started on 13th April 1968.Now I know what the grey cells are telling you;but believe me it is a lucky number for some.As I was saying BH was an army officer,belonging to a martial race(see Mars comes in both our resumes),and steeped in the old feudal traditions.Poor me-born & brought up in New Delhi,believing in the equality of genders!I had never been to Punjab ,while his home town was Gurdaspur.But that was nothing compared to the nitty-gritties which drove us.

I was nothing if not frank,while BH could never say things outright.This used to infuriate me no end-not that it served any purpose.I was rather impetuous,impatient & impulsive,but you could never catch him off- guard.He would react to everything at his own pace.If we came across any hurdle you would find me all worked up,but BH,he was made of steel.As cool as--I don't know;can't think of anyone as cool as him.I could go on & on,recounting the dissimilarities between us, but I don't want to bore you to death;or risk you leaving my blog for ever& ever.

Anyhow,three things saved us from falling apart:one,he was & is a perfect gentleman;second,I had been cautioned by my parents never to answer back;& third,I was,and still am,scared of fights & acrimony.My home has to be peaceful at all costs.In this way we began to tread on thin ice underlaid with mysterious landmines.

The biggest fetish that BH has is,his hatred for criticism-his own of course.He doesn't mind criticizing me! Now I am a fanatic for system & order while he--er let it go.Add to this my compulsion to call a spade a spade & you can imagine the outbursts which never failed to surprise me whenever I pointed out a mistake on his part.Similarly,he does not like anyone giving him advice.Now I don't have this vice-of giving advice right,left & center;but sometimes in favor of the family's good,it does become necessary to do so.I was foolish enough to embark on this path in the initial fiascoes,but now whenever I have this urge I couch my thoughts in the form of a question--like"Do you think it is healthy to eat a parantha for breakfast every day?Should we try something else?"I have also learnt to wrap up my critiques in palatable casings.Like,if I want to tell him to walk up straight I will instead praise so & so for his erect posture.I can see instantaneous results without any rancor.

He has another quaint habit:he expects me to agree with everything he says.Or rather expected me to;because after umpteen face-offs,this characteristic is finally on the wane.The clashes on this front were inevitable & numerous;because no matter what the topic of discussion,our views were invariably contradictory & I could not,for the life of me,pretend to agree with what I did not believe in.I am relieved that today we have fewer spats on this account.

It is really strange that in every possible way my opinions,convictions & predilections are diametrically opposed to his.Whenever small odd jobs like changing a tube light,fixing a tap or an errant toaster,need to be done;he will pick up the phone & outsource it to someone.On the other hand my first choice is to try & do it myself.Anyhow this is not such a bad habit because he does keep our home in good functioning order.

I often complain that he does not help me in household work but he is tops when it comes to filling my kitchen,fridge & pantry with all sorts of goods & goodies.He has also taken it upon himself to water the plants in our garden,fill up the room coolers & overhead tanks ,& also take out water from the Aqua guard .But apart from this,no one has ever seen him sullying his hands with any household chore.

Money matters could be a vile bone of contention between any couple but our roles are strictly demarcated.He has to earn & I have to spend.See-no overlapping or ambiguity here!I must admit that till date he has never refused me anything.But I too have never made any exorbitant demands; except for the setting up & running of Sahyog,this computer that I am working on,& a few diamonds here and there. Sahyog reminds me,though our ideas differ on so many things,he has stood staunchly behind me,in so far as the activities concerned with this mission of mine are concerned.Without his  support this would not have been possible.

Food is another risky area.Well I am not much of a cook but he,cute soul,gulps whatever is given to him.I am sure he would have even cooked for me-if only he knew where the kitchen was!

What else-yes our temperaments-now this really demanded hard labor.We were both very hot-headed to begin with but BH has brought about a colossal change in himself.I too manage to keep my temper in check.As far as being diplomatic is concerned,I have the best guru at home & am learning by & by.Whenever I am stimulated rather dangerously,I look at him to see how he is taking it,& then I simmer down.No harm done!

My BH is a devout disciple of Lord Shiva & Lord Hanuman but I believe more in Arya Samaj.I am not much into rituals,pilgrimages & visits to temples because I think God is omnipresent.Today he too agrees silently with my convictions.Celebration of any special day in our house is now done through a simple yagna.I really appreciate this change in him.

He is an inveterate creature of habit.Everything in his life must follow the same fixed routine.On the other hand I thrive on change.Whether it is the decor of the house,or my routine,or my hobbies;I tire of the sameness.Therefore I must push the furniture around every now & then.It was very perplexing for him in the beginning but he accepted it as a necessary evil.Not a murmur of protest ever escaped his lips.I tell you this is a big sacrifice on his part.

As i near the end of this post I myself am amazed as to how we have stuck together despite so many incompatibilities.Initially the rough protrusions of our personalities jarred raucously,resulting in friction & frustration for both of us;but we carried on.The thought of divorce never crossed our minds.Today,with the wisdom of so many years of married life behind me,I realize that we had two options:either we took umbrage at every collision;or just let it zoom over our heads & ponder how to avoid it in future.Thankfully,we chose the second option.

Some say that a human being's basic nature never changes but I say that it can,& should be moulded to suit the circumstances.But of course both the partners ought to make efforts to meet halfway.The love which results from living together over many years,grows strong because it comes after mutual acceptance of the other person's faults.After this transpires, life begins to flow smoothly & we even begin to love the other person's idiosyncrasies!What better way to end this post than with this quote:

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. 

Mignon McLaughlin 

#Marital Abuse-The Deadly Tie

Choosing a life partner is serious business.And risky.Risky because a wrong choice could jeopardize your health,happiness & safety.Any number of irritants could breed discord in a conjugal relationship but the one which is deadliest of all is-abuse.As we all know,abuse could be emotional,physical or sexual.Most of the times,it is the female who is the victim.Almost always,this truth is hidden scrupulously from outsiders.Strangely,it is the victim herself who will go the extra mile to hide it.In this way a crime which could plumb to the depths of torture,inhumanity & crime,is assured immunity from law & societal censure.This cuts off the victim from all probable sources of support & protection.Her isolation exacerbates her vulnerability.

Let us consider what all a victim has to put up with.Emotional abuse starts innocuously enough.The tyrant wants to have everything his way.He does not like contradiction,criticism or debate.If she fails to comply he may withdraw his affections or give her the silent treatment.Going a step further he may bully her into obeying his orders.Or still worse,he begins to humiliate her as being incompetent, uncouth,uncultured--or un-whatever.Equality?Respect?Consideration? No sir!These words do not exist in his dictionary.

As for physical abuse,starting from threats & intimidation,it could go on to pushing,slapping,hitting,punching & thrusting upon her,sexual acts which she abhors.Adultery & betrayal would pale in comparison.

This is followed by more emotional & psychological abuse.She is made to feel that it is her fault that all this is happening to her.There are glaring shortcomings in her personality & behavior which fuel his righteous anger.A victim is branded as the root cause of the fracas.The whole purpose is to demoralize her to such an extent that all thoughts of resistance & rebellion are quashed for ever.

An episode of abuse is generally succeeded by acts of repentance,conciliation & promises of better behavior.As a result the victim shrugs it off as a one time occurrence & stifles all thoughts of reporting him to the authorities.If the abuser sticks to his word then of course nothing much remains to be said.A more stubborn spouse or partner could be brought around by consulting Marriage counselors or Psychologists.

But what does one do when a violent episode is followed by another & then many others ? Slowly the time gap between these episodes decreases untill it becomes a daily routine.Minor scuffles give way to serious acts of aggression and she is likely to suffer grievous injuries.In order to ward off future attacks ,she tries to please him by following all his dictums.The more she caves in the more domineering he becomes.Her efforts to buy pace give contrary results.Here i am talking of a compulsive sociopath or a psychopath whom it is difficult to reform.Life with such a person is not only stressful but also dreadful.It is not unusual for such a relationship to end in the victim's death murder.

On the emotional front she lives in a perpetual state of fear,shame&impending doom. It is but natural that this sort of life leaves a ghastly impact upon her psyche.There is mammoth erosion of self esteem & confidence.She loses all hopes of fighting her tormentor & finding peace for herself.Nor can she see any savior coming from outside to rescue her.

There are three reasons why this is so.Firstly such an anti-social personality keeps his private life hermetically sealed from prying eyes.He is also very good at impressing people by his pleasing ways.Secondly,he has probably shackled his wife well&proper.Thirdly,she herself being ashamed of the treatment meted out to her;has wilfully severed all ties with relatives,friends & well wishers.All in all,she finds herself alone & helpless in face of grave danger.

Therefore if a woman realizes that she is living with such a person,it is time for her to take stock of the situation.She has to decide whether she wants to stick it out or get out fast.Here are some warning signals which can aid her decision-

*She tries hard to please him in every possible manner.Obeys him.

*She is scared most of the time.Dreads being alone with him.

*Minor clashes give way to major brawls.

*Small cuts or bruises are replaced by deeper cuts,welts or fractures.

*Violence becomes a daily feature.

*Her mood deteriorates consistently & she feels that she is slipping into depression.

If any victim feels that she can relate to some of the points mentioned above,then it is certainly time to break free.But this is not how,many sufferers view it.We are often amazed as to why they continue to live in such  hell-holes.The answer to this question is as complex as the situation itself.Perhaps--

*She is not economically independent.

*She does not have any support system to fall back upon.

*She is afraid of being alone.

*She is apprehensive that if her own home could not offer protection to her,how will she find safety outside it's confines.

*She still has love for the perpetrator.

*She hopes he will turn over a new leaf.

*She is afraid that if she leaves her conjugal home,it will sully her image.

*She has been conditioned to believe that her husband is her superior & she should put up with his behavior-however cruel it might be.

*She does not want to opt out because of her children.

*She has had a traumatic childhood & thinks that she deserves no better.

*She has no knowledge of any agency which can offer shelter to her.

*The villain of the piece has threatened her 

with dire consequences if she dares to leave him.

Thus we see that there are so many factors which pressurize her to stay put despite serious danger to her life.However it is necessary to point out that today there are many Shelter Homes run by the Central Social Welfare Board of India for the protection of such women.State Social Welfare Boards & various NGOs also provide such facilities.In addition to this there are Mahila Thanas & Family Courts to help women in distress.Over & above are various laws which shield women from atrocities & punish offenders.The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005 offers protection to not only wives & live-in partners,but also to sisters,widows & single women living with the abuser.More information about this Act can be found here.

Putting up with abuse or getting the abuser punished is a very personal decision.Only the aggrieved can make a choice.But turbulent circumstances tend to cloud a person's judgement &it is advisable to consult a counselor at such times.At the risk of being labeled an oxymoron i would say that while patience & forbearance can resurrect a sagging relationship;putting up with a life-threatening & increasingly violent relationship is counter productive.It is best to get out of it while there is still time.

Fifteen danger signals which indicate a cooling of affection

A strong,sincere & abiding romantic relationship is the dream & need of every adult.Those who have the support of such a relationship can easily overcome the various pitfalls & tragedies of life because it is like a cocoon into which they escape to get succor & recoup their energies. True love boosts a person's self-esteem & self-confidence. It is like a sounding board which gives caution & advice at appropriate times. But the exigencies of modern life are tailor-made to create havoc even in such relationships. Hectic schedules & cut-throat competition lead to physical & emotional burnout ;making couples irritating,irritable & insensitive. Add to this cauldron a pinch of selfishness, a dash of ego , a handful of ambition ; & you will soon be sparring with your spouse. Despite best intentions things can go out of hand & lead to a parting of ways, even if you both regret it later on. To avoid such an outcome we should be more mindful of our behavior with our partner & be on the lookout for warning signals which indicate that we are slowly drifting apart. Given below are ten such
                                               WARNING SIGNALS
1) Either of the two often begins to come home later than usual.
2) Even when they are home together ,they spend less time in each other's company.
3) Even if they are sitting together there is little conversation between them. If one starts a conversation the other ends it abruptly. 
4) They get angry when asked a simple question about their activities or whereabouts.
5) They avoid sharing their problems with each other.
6) They begin to criticize each other over minor issues which had hitherto been acceptable.
7) There is decreased concern for the other person's comfort & happiness.Selfishness rules.
8) Rather,there is contempt for the other person's feelings & beliefs.Disrespect too is often present.
9) Often ,a spouse is the last person to know of his/her partner's future plans & ambitions.
10)  Silence reigns & even squabbles become infrequent.
11) Important issues are swept under the carpet-there is marked disinterest in solving problems.
12) They are no longer keen on going together for outings,shopping sprees or holidays etc.
13) One of them becomes extraordinarily conscious of his/her appearance;or more moody & happy than usual.
14) If one partner probes the reason for the other's moodiness s/he gets a cryptic reply.
15) Last but not the least-physical intimacy has decreased substantially. 

It is not difficult to start a marriage on a pleasant footing-everybody does it .But in order to have a long lasting,sustaining & satisfying marriage ,one has to fire on all cylinders.The first requisite is to thrash out certain issues at the outset,so that friction later on, can be avoided.However,no matter how careful one is;after a few years of togetherness the newness of a relationship wears off.There is a decrease in the urge & urgency to please,impress & remain attractive in the partner's eyes.Both begin to take each other for granted.A rut sets in.At this point, if the couple recognizes the danger signals & takes steps to bridge the chasm, the relationship can be saved. We put in a lot of energy into building our careers & maintaining a network of working relationships, but when it comes to the home & hearth we tend to become negligent. But it is at home that real happiness lies. Truly has it been said that we hurt most, those we love most. It is therefore essential that a couple nurture their relationship & maintain a healthy work-life-balance because a stitch in time saves nine.The link given above tells us how to rejuvenate our marriage.It is a beautiful piece,therefore i have written nothing to that effect.

Here is to happy bonding & a supremely happy married life !!!!!!!!!