ADULTERY---1

Adultery--the very word conjures up a wave of bitterness,deceit,treachery,disillusionment,anger and sorrow.An outsider can just not imagine the pain and shock tormenting a spouse at the receiving end.In fact (let us presume it is the wife),she cannot easily disclose this fact to a third person, leave aside describe her suffering.Thousands of thoughts and memories flit through her mind and her whole life is reduced to thinking about this development.Memories of the good old days haunt her and the uncertainty of a dark lonely future worries her.

But a lot of care should be taken before accusing a husband of adultery.A thorough scrutiny of available evidence is essential because a lot is going to change after she vocalises her suspicions.Rethinking and introspection are called for.Is she reading too much into chance encounters which she happened to witness?Is her husband in fact not an adulterer but merely an extrovert given to complimenting women and engaging in social chit-chat?Could it be that she has issues about  her own looks and personality and is looking at a congenial relationship through green tinted glasses?

A wife who has hostile feelings about her husband--stemming from a huge spat or dire neglect on his part--may begin to suspect his loyalty and then every tiny incident which confirms her suspicions, will be embedded in her mind while those refuting her hypothesis will be relegated to the trash bin.The suspicion thus turns into conviction and she charges him in order to vent her anger.There is a lurking desire that he negate her accusations and assure her of his love and fidelity.But the opposite happens.An innocent man thus maligned erupts into fury and is deeply hurt by lack of trust on her part.

Therefore she should confront him only after she is thoroughly convinced of his infidelity, or has palpable proof in her hands.Otherwise it would be wiser to give him a benefit of doubt, because there are other factors which could misguide a wife into concluding that her partner is cheating on her.Here are some examples:--

* She lacks self esteem.
*She has an overactive imagination.
*She is jealous and possessive by nature.
*Her trust has been betrayed in past.
*She is highly emotional while he is practical and not demonstrative of his affection.
*He is smarter and more social than her.
*He is overburdened with work-cannot maintain a healthy work life balance.
*He has a serious problem at work or with his health, which make him inattentive to her needs.

The seeds of suspicion also stem from the rapid change which our society is witnessing today.More and more women are joining the workforce and there is greater inter-mingling of the sexes.Youth today are more convivial and less inhibited.This can lead to unwanted consequences and misunderstandings.The recent case of Sunanda illustrates the devastating consequences of adultery-whether real or imagined-upon a person's mental state.

Of course I do not deny that there is cheating in conjugal relationships-indeed it exists in ample measure-but this reality must not be allowed to play into the ordinary ups and downs of a couple's relationship.Not every man or woman is an adulterer or even a potential one, because a lot has to be sacrificed for the transitory pleasure derived from an illicit dalliance.

It is not the cheated wife alone who suffers.The adulterer too jeopardises his home,family and a harmonious life when he breaks his marriage vows.He is scared of being found out and left high and dry.Here I am not even talking of divorce,custody of children,alimony,division of property & belongings,breaking up with certain friends & relatives,change of residence and end of a comfortable life routine.

No,over and above all this there is the constant tension of hiding his subterfuge,dishing out one lie after another,thinking up of new excuses every day and the guilt of deceiving his wife--in short the burden of living a double life.Aren't there enough complications in life today without having to add to them?Such secrets do tumble out sooner rather than later and then the culprit's image is sullied irrevocably.Guilt and remorse also catch up somewhere down the lane and then it cannot be undone.

The complications are manifold.But why then do so many succumb to it?For men it is an ego boost or an attempt to test their sexual prowess while for women it is mostly a desire to find appreciation and tenderness,which might be missing in their married life.Underneath these reasons is the basic truth that the marriage rests on a shaky foundation.There may or may not be much acrimony in the relationship;but more important--the adulterer lacks commitment,morality and self control.This post describes the early signals which denote that the affections between a couple are waning.

Footnote:For my convenience i have written this piece from the perspective of a wife but she can easily be substituted by he because adultery is common in both sexes.Therefore spare me the brick-bats please!More to come in the next post.

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