Monday, July 22, 2013

Between a Mother and a Daughter

The other day my daughter asked me a question which set me thinking.She asked me if i had ever discussed my marital problems with my mother.In fact she was convinced that I had not done so & she wanted to know the reason.I was rather surprised at this observation & began to think if it was true.It dawned upon me that she was right--but I could not at once pinpoint why I had not shared my worries with my mom because she was a lovely,loving,kind lady & I loved her dearly.
Like many couples we too had problems in arriving at a workable relationship after marriage.My better half's (BH) attempts to dominate sparked rebellion in me and my criticisms would infuriate him.So it was not smooth sailing all the way--especially when the children were young.
As i pondered over the reasons of my reticence in sharing my troubles with my mom,the whole pattern of life during those days replayed before my eyes.When I got married in 1968 there was no S.T.D.Trunk calls had to be booked for talking to folks in other cities.Suppose I had a tiff with my BH I just could not punch a few numbers and pour my heart out to my mom because trunk calls were tardy,costly & cumbersome.
The only means of communication was a letter but when you are sulking after a hot exchange the last thing you want to do is to sit down & write a letter.By the time I came round to writing a letter, a rapprochement would have taken place & I would have been more benevolently inclined towards my partner.So the question of ranting against poor hubby receded into the background --so much water under the bridge.
Cut to today,where daily phone calls between all dear ones are a norm--including me.When a married daughter is anguished over a development it is natural and normal for her to share it with her mother.She can voice her fears frankly without it being misconstrued.When in doubt,she can ask questions,be reassured and seek solutions.In this way being connected to her mother is a blessing for any daughter.
I did not have this convenience when i was a young married woman but there was an upside to it.I learned to resolve my own troubles & became self-reliant.As a result,i gained strength & climbed a few evolutionary steps.The absence of an instant connection saved me from unduly maligning my poor husband in the heat of the moment.This kept me level-headed & saved our relationship.I could discern where I too, had erred.Had I access to my mother's sympathetic sounds right after a fracas,I could very well have been caught in a vortex of self pity & self righteousness.
I am slowly driving at this--that this constant connectivity has it's pitfalls.When a daughter is aggrieved over a spat with her husband she naturally thinks of talking to her mother about it.If this happens before she has had time to cool down then the mother will sense her pain & come out with sympathetic remarks which could further add fuel to the fire.Or the daughter's outburst may unfairly paint the hubby as an ogre and prejudice her mother against him.Therefore it is more constructive to think things over & cool down before complaining about someone.

Talking to a newly wed daughter needs extra care.I have seen many marriages starting on a wrong footing because the mother eggs on her daughter to brow-beat her husband into fulfilling all her whims-whether right or wrong.I am not talking about gender differences here;but merely stating that it is not wise to overstep the boundary& intrude into a couple's private life--give them a chance to establish their own equation.At the same time a daughter should be assured that her mother will always be there for her.
Today we have so many means of instant communication that it is hard to control oneself whenever the urge to talk to someone strikes us.But like all facilities this one too,needs to be used prudently.

32 comments :

  1. Wow that is a very very Mature read indeed and it is very much expected from you after all you have been through the Ups and Downs of Life and made through it..And yes technology today has given us many advantage but it has pitfalls also and I believe we need to approach our problems on our own as it will makes us learn lot of things...

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    1. Very generous praise Harsha---thank you!
      And thanks again for following jeeteraho!

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  2. Could not agree more with you Indu ji! Its always best the two people involved to sort things out than the interference of a third person

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    1. Rajrupa thanks for chipping in,it is nice to see you here.

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  3. Things get out of hand when many people get involved.

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  4. Actually Indujee the generation gap is becoming very narrow now a days

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    1. You really think so?
      The speed at which technology is advancing i feel the gaps might be widening.
      Thank you for stating your POV Vijay.

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  5. Hi Indu

    I was reading the first half of your post and thinking about the possible disadvantages of sharing marital problems with mothers and then I found that you yourself have listed it in your second half. A lot depends on the maturity level of the mothers in question. Overprotective natures can ruin marriages. Its best to solve ones problems on ones own!

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    1. Yes Jaishree being overprotective is harmful.
      At the same time i think i missed emphasizing that mothers should always be THERE for their daughters,to give support whenever necessary.Afterall who can understand a daughter better than her mother.

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  6. Only the other day, the L&M and I were telling each other that we were a lot happier without the mobile phones, in those dark ages of our youth and middle years. And here you have so beautifully talked of everything that is wrong with instant communication vis-a-vis relationships and other minor problems. Your post made me think about how independent our generation had been in resolving issues, arriving at solutions and making compromises to smoothen over troubled waters. It made us more resourceful and stronger, didn't it?

    you are so right about the timing of the call too. An agitated daughter would put up the hackles of the mother/sister and make her give advice that she might not have given had the topic been discussed a little later.

    Oh Indu! I loved this post, but I love all your posts on relationships. They are so sensible and practical!

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    1. Such a beautiful compliment couched so lovingly Zephyr--only you could have done this.I don't know if i deserve this praise & coming from you-it is all the more valuable.

      Here is wishing all of us happy relationships to enrich our lives!

      Thanks a million!

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  7. Indu you hit the nail right on the spot !! communication has indeed become a reason of why things rather take time to fall in place for couples .. without even giving space to the hot discussion .. womankind of the age call up Mummy dear .. or an unwanted close friend .. and it does not take time for things to go worse .. if mummy or the best friend take things wrong and start giving suggestions !!
    I feel .. no matter what, one should avoid heated conversations in marriage .. and if at all .. one of the two and possible both should cut the conversation and ease down and till then switch of that Bell in the Cat's Neck .. now turned smarter .. the Smart Phone!!

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    1. Thank you mysay for giving your views--i am sure grateful you liked the post.
      The golden rule in matrimony is to keep quiet when the other person is angry-let the temperature cool.

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  8. and yes that surely is the golden rule to keep quiet when the other person is angry-let the temperature cool.

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  9. Indu ji

    this is the best post I have read on human relations ----in fact I have an unwritten rule I never ring up my daughters they ring me at their convenience and share problems or news only if they want to ---I never ask them because I feel my interference will only make matters worse even misguide them ---let them sort out their problems we are their to help them and even guide them if they go wrong .

    this post of yours should be shared on all sites and should be a guide to all married young girls ---and yes you are so right when you say

    The golden rule in matrimony is to keep quiet when the other person is angry-let the temperature cool

    thanks for this one
    warm regards
    rajni

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  10. Rajni your warm vibes touch me to the core.I am simply overwhelmed by your praise-thanks a ton.
    No doubt it is a tricky matter to decide when to phone our children & when to refrain from doing so.When we have an inkling that something may be wrong it is difficult to control ourselves but as you say,letting them tussle with their problems is for their own good-provided they know that we are there in the background.
    Love n hugs!

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  11. There is no couple which has not had a arguement/tiff ever.
    In all fairness,couple should be able to sortout the issues.
    Mother should have a mountain view of the situation.However,if it goes out of control,that is the time for mother to intervene.
    Interfarance in daughter's household could be begining of anither problem

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    1. I have seen that a mother's interference in her daughter's life is never welcomed.your last line is very true.

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  12. Even with a free phone, I don't call my mother. We should handle the situation ourselves unless it is of major concern. And your post reminds of trunk calls days, how wonderful that era was.

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    1. Hi Saru,
      Thanks for chipping in.Yes that era was no doubt wonderful,we had less but the complications & frustrations were also less.
      Love n hugs!

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  13. Very true and correct. While a daughter can pour her heart out to a mother, what can she do from a distance except getting worried? She can guide, but never should she poke her nose in too much!

    www.volatilespirits.com

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  14. Indu, Thankfully our days were different, our mothers were different too--the most non-interfering types! My daughter is extremely introvert, and actually this bothers me more.We live in the same city, but she handles her problems on her own.

    But, I agree with you...mothers should understand that it is not permissible for her to interfere in her daughter’s life after marriage, unless she is asked to intervene. Great blog as usual. I have become a bit irregular...so, have missed many posts. I've started reading now. :D

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  15. Yes you said it--our mothers were different & we too are very different from them.When it comes to our daughters-well they are mature & well able to handle their affairs.But they know too that we are always accessible.
    I understand your point even i too feel harried for time.

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  16. You are so right..in our times girl's parents always had a boundary to everything, today that is not there and its creating more problems...all depends on the mother, if she is sensible, then everything will be fine, but mothers are also human beings some of them have all the vices also like greed, monopoly etc.

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    1. Yes Renu the boundaries served a purpose,and now this constant connectivity invites incursions.

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  17. I think it depends on individual. I am not yet married but I feel the responsibility of setting the boundary lies on me. It becomes easy if the other person, say my mother, respects and understands this , else it is a struggle.

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    1. You are right-a couple has to establish it's own equation,find it's own happiness.

      Thanks for coming over.

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  18. You have shared this so frankly, Induji.
    In this e-age of instant communication, people just call/email/SMS...real simple, but has great implications.
    Sometimes helpful, sometimes causes wider rifts.
    Relationships need careful handling...

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    1. Yes Anita 'careful handling' is the word.Apt observation.

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Thanks for reading my post.I hope you liked it :).