#Cognitive Distortion-- #Black and White Thinking

Cognitive distortions are inaccurate,biased thought patterns which mostly spawn negative emotions about ourselves or the world around us.These negative emotions influence our beliefs as well as our behavior,and foment relationship conflicts,anxiety or depression.If we become habituated to distorted thinking,we fail to realize that our views about our own self or those around us are totally misplaced.The resultant agony can be averted by nailing the irrational/exaggerated/faulty thought patterns and getting rid of them.

One such cognitive distortion is Black and White Thinking-the belief that things are either right or wrong, good or bad.Those who fall prey to such thinking totally miss  that there are many more shades in between,which are much more common and reasonable.

How often do you utter polar words like awful-awesome,disgusting-heavenly,scoundrel-saint,imbecile-genius,detestable-lovable?These extreme terms certainly embellish our language with color and intensity,but do they portray the said person or situation accurately?Seldom can any individual or circumstance be pinned at one end of the spectrum.

Many of our problems start when we begin to think of life conditions or our own image in such extremes.Suppose I fail to finish a project in time and then curse myself that this always happens with me,I am good for nothing.Finishing it on the dot was what counted with me and since this did not happen,I felt that I had failed--totally!I did not consider how near completion my work was,and how good its quality.If I always gloss over the finer/better aspects of any situation then my vision of the world,or my life,will always be dark and murky.

Suppose I expect a friend to support me in an ongoing altercation but she chooses to take the other side.Upon going home I rave and rant about her,using epithets like mean,horrible,good for nothing;forgetting her other sterling qualities.I may even break off with her,and then repent all my life.The correct thought should have been that she had disappointed me this time.No one is all good or all bad,and expecting people to conform to your specifications can mar relationships.

It can even become worse.Think of the various instances of young students killing themselves simply because they could not gain admission in an institute of their choice.Why couldn't they have settled for the second best and continued to live?The same thing happens when a lover's advances are spurned by his/her heartthrob.So many people sink into depression or contemplate suicide because of such setbacks,overlooking the positive aspects of their lives.It is all or nothing for them--another name for Black and white thinking.

This kind of thinking wipes out the whites and leaves only dismal,depressing blacks.Therefore,if you catch yourself slipping into this mode,pause.Do a reality check.How close to truth are you?What are the facts which point to the opposite direction?Introspect --what is it in you which prompted you to use that term?Is it a bias,vindictiveness,jealousy,lack of confidence,poor self esteem,past experience,or habitual despondence?

Once you begin to view reality in a rational,objective manner, a lot of your anxiety will dissolve,leaving a more amicable and peaceful you behind.

Next--Fortune Telling

Image,courtesy google.

When a Relationship Breaks

It is excruciating to go through a  breakup in any relationship,especially when you are at the receiving end.The pain scorches you to the core.A part of you whisks away with the one who broke up with you.It could be anyone-a romantic partner,spouse,parent,offspring or a sibling.

Actually the atmosphere today is not conducive for stability and continuity.Everybody is on the go.We are not satisfied with what we have,and aspire for more in every sphere-whether it be relationships or lifestyle.No harm in striving for a better life,but in our quest for whatever it is we are running after,we sometimes even ditch what is an integral part of our lives; what has depth,true meaning,and is good for us.

The tragedy is,that such instances are becoming more and more common.We are exposed to countless stimuli every day,and those who have little self control are easily swayed.That is why there are rising instances of adultery and divorce today,not to talk of breakups in relationships.Such parting of ways inflicts a grievous injury on the one who is left behind.

What can you possibly do if you are at the receiving end?Very little to bring that person back.Because he is scurrying after that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.While he is pursuing his goal headlong it will be difficult to divert his attention.He may return if he realizes the futility of his chase,or he may keep his distance if he is too shamefaced to confront you again.Time will tell.

What you can do is,find a way to soothe your hurt and put your house in order once again.To start with,have a good cry.Admit to yourself that this was a severe blow.Don't sweep your emotions under the carpet.Grieving is in order.

But for how long?Set your own limit and then tie up the loose ends.Think back-did you give this relationship the best you could,or more importantly,what could morally have been expected of you?If yes,then trash the remorse and the guilt pangs.

If however,you were at fault,then you could maybe attempt a patch-up.If this is not in your cards then treat it as a learning lesson,a springboard from which to leap into a new era.You know now,how to avert a breakup.An honest appraisal will protect you from making the same mistake twice and breaking your heart once again.

As any association or era recedes into the past,it is the pleasant memories which cause maximum grief.But was this bond all good without any jarring episodes?There must have been unpleasant confrontations too.Desist from viewing the past through rose-tinted glasses.Things came to a head because of a lack of compatibility or divergent values,motives or goals.The continuance of this relationship might not have been so hunky-dory after all.

Relationship breakups are rife in those who are on the threshold of adulthood.The prevailing milieu is very challenging for them.They have a tough time picking their way through a jungle of attractions and distractions,and often end up aping their peer group or their role models.In the proccess,they sometimes discard the core for the chaff.

Certain things in life are destined to happen.We cannot control everything.Except how far or how deep we allow anything to affect us.That is very much in our hands.It helps to remember that while relationships make us happy,give support,help us to forget painful instances and relieve the drudgery of monotonous routines;they also impose restraints, bestow responsibilities,and demand explanations.When a relationship breaks the advantages fly out of the window,as do the curbs and restrictions.So now you can be more your own self,do things you enjoy and spend your day as you like without having to listen to grumbling,irritating or disapproving noises in the background.Make the most of it!

Image courtesy google 

How We Overcame General Anxiety Disorder,Panic Attacks and Hypochondria

Aug 2015
It all began six months ago when my husband (BH) was declared a diabetic.It was a major downturn in our lives.The medicine he was prescribed did not agree with him.We got it changed and also amended our lifestyle (which was not much bad earlier),but his health continued to deteriorate.

He complained of various physical complaints.It was not long before I realized that he had become a hypochondriac--it is an awful affliction,believe me.There is no enemy to fight,it is all so nebulous.He began writing his various symptoms in a journal and it was crystal clear that his symptoms changed hue every day because there was no biological basis for them.But this did not set his mind at rest.

I had daily counseling sessions with him.He listened attentively and also read material about his condition on the net.I gave him constant company and tried to engage him by yapping about this and that.But there was something troubling him which spiked his anxiety.

Soon he began to have panic attacks and my son was asked to fly down immediately.He was a great help but BH gave up whatever little he had been doing to keep the household running,and began to depend entirely upon him.More spare time meant more rumination and more rumination meant more anxiety.He became worse than ever.

My son stayed with us for 18 days.BH was not ready to let him go but I prevailed upon him so that he could take up the reins again.Soon my daughter came and again the same story.He lost his weight,stamina and confidence at a fast pace.We all tried our best to talk him out of it but understanding that he was being unreasonable with his complaints did not in any way help him to mitigate them even though our GP too,gave him a clean chit.

Soon my daughter too,went and slowly he picked up a few of his duties.He began driving once again.His favorite physician checked him time and again,followed by numerous tests;to rule out any disease,but BH was never convinced.The complaints began to mount.We consulted ten doctors but he still feared that he had a serious disease.

I realized that he was suffering from A feeling of insignificance.He had been very healthy and active all his life but failing health and empty hours were taking their toll even when there was no other problem in our lives.He had no occupation and no hobby.He is a very good singer but not once did he try to play any music.Even when I did so,it failed to engage him.He has a background of agriculture but he even gave up supervising our gardener's work.The only thing he did keep up was,walking,but mostly on our terrace.He did not feel comfortable meeting people.

Now what can you do in such a situation?I tried to involve him in growing vegetables on our terrace but I ended up doing most of the work.Then I asked him to talk to some laborers who were working at a house nearby and ask them to send their children to our home for studying.Three kids started coming over.I went and bought the required stationary for them and we started the classes on our balcony. BH took up the eldest child who was smarter than the other two.He was well occupied for at least one hour in the morning.I think he liked this diversion.There was a goal to be met,and something to look forward to. 

Then a friend of mine suggested we send them to a government school where they will get free books,uniform and mid-day meal too.We did so and now those kids are going to a school and they are very happy.We are both very glad that they are receiving formal education but we do miss their visits --i.e,I hope BH too misses them;because he rarely expresses his feelings.

Feb 2016
It is now one year since all this started.My sessions with him continue,he listens carefully but he is just not prepared to accept the changes which come attached to advancing age.He is very sad at these changes in his personality (if you smell narciccism here,you are not off the mark).He has numerous physical complaints which I suspect,stem from his anxiety.Some days are good,some are not:(.

Oct 2016
He tries very hard to free himself from anxiety and it is showing results.Given below are the various factors which have helped him to recover :--

* Our GP was a great help.He prescribed anti-anxiety drugs and also something for insomnia.The medicines were just enough to give him relief,and not make him drowsy all day long;which he would have abhorred.

* Our children's support has been very reassuring.

* Our counseling sessions have continued alongside.

* He goes for daily walks on the road and meets neighbours.

*Does stretching exercises.

* Also does 'pranayam' and meditation.

* Goes to the market to fetch groceries etc,does not take the help of a driver.

* Listening to devotional songs has eased his anxiety to a large extent.

* Tearing a rag to shreds when the anxiety was extreme helped to cool his mind.

*Going out and visiting friends has also helped a lot.

* We tried to play board games but this did not interest him much.Neither did painting or coloring.

The whole purpose of narrating this story is to share with you how difficult it is to extricate someone from an anxiety disorder and what are the various steps that can be taken.Eventually,sustained efforts do show results,as they have in our case.I hope we will soon be out of the woods.

Dec 2016
Nearly two years have elapsed since BH's health problems started.Today he is completely cured.What a journey it has been!He has quitted the sleeping pills as well as the anti-anxiety medicine.

Jan 2017
I am always alert for any signs of relapse--God forbid.BH has been a model patient,he not only listened to my advice but also put it into practice.Wht's more,he resumed his stretching exercises,pranayam and meditation as soon as he was able to.My being a counselor who was in constant attendance too,was a lucky coincidence.

In the absence of a psychiatrist,or an able family physician or a counselor,it is the family which has to

bear the maximum responsibility for the patient's welfare.Even if the patient is getting proper treatment,there are certain do's and don'ts which the family members should be aware,of when they take care of a mental patient.Later on,when the patient is well enough to join the mainstream,he needs to be coaxed and inspired to take baby steps towards normalcy.Along with the requisite treatment;love,empathy,encouragement and companionship of a family too,are therapeutic.It is a tough journey,but very much worth the toil.