Adultery,When The Damage Has Been Done--3

This post is the last of the series.If you have not read the two previous post you may like to start from here.
The old definition of adultery has become defunct since the advent of telephone sex,sexting,facebook romance and porn.It now boils down to how much you both think is morally right and how much is admissible to your spouse.Even open marriages have invaded the scene but this does not discount the fact that when a mate cheats the results can be disastrous.The day this perfidy is revealed is no less explosive than the eruption of a volcano.Accusations,denials,excuses,threats and angry retorts are flung back and forth.

After all has been said and heard the cheated mate sits down to decide-what next?If the villain of the piece refuses to reform and if the aggrieved person has a support system to fall back upon;there may be only two options open--to either show her/him the door or walk out the door.

But what if the libertine promises to not repeat his/her mistakes?Then the spouse has to decide whether s/he can forgive and make a fresh beginning.So many variables influence this decision--whether adultery was a one off mistake or a habit,whether they have kids,how long they have been married,what was the rapport like before this happened,how much love & respect still remains between the two and if this is the only fly in the ointment.

A cheated spouse should remember that the pain is at it's peak at the time of disclosure but it will come down eventually and slowly things will begin to settle down.On the other hand if you are thinking of separation or divorce, make sure that the new life you choose will be better than this one.

You should not jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Initially of course you can be forgiven for calling your spouse the worst possible worm in the g****r,but if you decide to swallow this episode as a bitter pill and save your home from breaking,then take care to suppress your vocabulary of derogatory terms.The culprit must already be feeling sheepish, don't humiliate him/her any further.You are in pain because your trust has been  trampled upon,but s/he too must be feeling guilty.It is better to bury the past and focus upon mending your relations.Give it time because there will be many glitches in reconnecting once again.Both of you will be reminded of what had come in between you but as time passes this deceit will be overshadowed by other,pleasanter experiences and you will hopefully recapture the old magic.

Forgiving is not easy but nursing your blisters,keeping them raw is painful and futile.Of course you would want to know with whom and how many times your partner two-timed you but beyond this,avoid going into the gory details.The less you know,the better for your sanity.If you decide to resume your married life once again it will be wise to lay down certain conditions:----

* You have the right to check his/her cell phone and emails.
* Your spouse will not rave or rant when you ask where s/he went and why   s/he is so late.
* All financial dealings will be transparent and above board.
* Both of you can decide upon a course of action if this should    happen  again.
* While the cheat was in an illicit relationship s/he must have        withdrawn many rights,privileges and facilities from you,these  should be returned forthwith.
* S/he will not take out his frustration at having to tow the line by picking up other issues in order to put you down.  

It depends upon the individual involved whether all these efforts will keep him in check or not but if honest efforts can save a family from breaking it is worth a trial.

Image courtesy google.

Adultery,Safeguard Your Marriage---2

Nothing happens all of a sudden and before adultery too, there are signs of discord and dissatisfaction.If and when a couple feels that their marriage is tottering it is time to have a heart-to-heart talk;the focus being,not on incrimination,but an endeavour to find out where things went wrong and what should be done about it.Ask your partner what s/he would like you to change and also say what displeases you --but in even tones.This is more effective than banging stuff and shouting.

No one likes anybody to attempt their make-over but when it is done voluntarily it is more effective and permanent.Therefore listen to your partner's stray,indirect comments,perceive what he likes or dislikes,and adjust accordingly.You may dislike certain traits in your spouse but don't expect a drastic makeover.Also,do not humiliate him/her because of it.Give more,expect less if you want a long lasting marriage.

A lot of adjustment may be needed in the sphere of sex.Unless your spouse demands something which is abhorrent to you,try and take care of his/her needs.Also say what you desire and enjoy.

In some marriages love grows with time,but respect for the partner should be there from the beginning.If you do not respect your mate you are ,in fact,driving him/her in the arms of someone who does.

Man or woman,both stray because the third person appreciates them,makes them feel good,likable and attractive.In order to avoid this happening,fulfill this need of your spouse.When s/he gets it at home s/he will not look outside.Just a small example to illustrate my point--suppose you both have decked up for a party.Your significant other is looking ravishing,smart or debonair.You notice this but keep quiet.At the party if you meet a well dressed friend you will surely compliment him/her.Why not your spouse?

Everybody is in hot pursuit of a flourishing career today.Some have no compunctions about using sex to further their ends.Beware of such persons--they will use you as a ladder, not caring if your family has been ravaged in the process.

After a few years of marriage the charm wears off and monotony sets in.Obviate this by springing a surprise now and then;expressing your love for your partner and exploring new fields which will enthuse both of you.

Surprises (when they are pleasant of course!) are good but it is equally important to have well-established routines--somewhat like the trade mark of your family.Build up a life which satisfies your family's needs and which they would not like to live without.Establish certain traditions which they anticipate and enjoy-whether it is a weekly outing,dining out,holidaying,or playing,praying and exercising together.If you are unable to take a vacation from work explore the interesting places in your own city on a Sunday, as if you are a tourist there.Common recreational activities hold a family together and bestow lasting happy memories which come to aid when one feels lonely or despondent.Also form core groups with common friends.

The whole motive is to increase together-times and decrease time spent alone.Individual activities in spare time-like both doing their own thing in separate rooms,using their gadgets in privacy tend to create a distance between the two so that when the need arises to share thoughts,express emotions and ask advice,an invisible wall looms up.The gap widens and finally one of them looks for empathy and companionship outside marriage.

Mutual bonding of the couple as well as with the children helps to cement family ties.If there is respect for other members of the extended families--ahem,the in-laws-- that too checks a person from straying.

After all adaptations have been attempted,and some attained,a few or more abrasive elements could still mar a conjugal relationship.A habitually reticent or hassled wife or husband may fail to boost a partner's ego while a colleague does it amazingly.But before crossing the line s/he ought to recognise all other things which the other person is doing right.S/he could very well lose all that, plus the peace of his/her heart and home if s/he transgresses the agreed boundaries.The shame and guilt when his kids come to know of it as well as the adverse effects this could have on them should be enough to deter him.

The sensations emanating from an illicit relationship may be very satisfying for a narcissist but wait till the newness wears off and complications set in.Therefore it is best to conserve what you have and spend your energies in perpetuating that rather than giving in to carnal impulses.

ADULTERY---1

Adultery--the very word conjures up a wave of bitterness,deceit,treachery,disillusionment,anger and sorrow.An outsider can just not imagine the pain and shock tormenting a spouse at the receiving end.In fact (let us presume it is the wife),she cannot easily disclose this fact to a third person, leave aside describe her suffering.Thousands of thoughts and memories flit through her mind and her whole life is reduced to thinking about this development.Memories of the good old days haunt her and the uncertainty of a dark lonely future worries her.

But a lot of care should be taken before accusing a husband of adultery.A thorough scrutiny of available evidence is essential because a lot is going to change after she vocalises her suspicions.Rethinking and introspection are called for.Is she reading too much into chance encounters which she happened to witness?Is her husband in fact not an adulterer but merely an extrovert given to complimenting women and engaging in social chit-chat?Could it be that she has issues about  her own looks and personality and is looking at a congenial relationship through green tinted glasses?

A wife who has hostile feelings about her husband--stemming from a huge spat or dire neglect on his part--may begin to suspect his loyalty and then every tiny incident which confirms her suspicions, will be embedded in her mind while those refuting her hypothesis will be relegated to the trash bin.The suspicion thus turns into conviction and she charges him in order to vent her anger.There is a lurking desire that he negate her accusations and assure her of his love and fidelity.But the opposite happens.An innocent man thus maligned erupts into fury and is deeply hurt by lack of trust on her part.

Therefore she should confront him only after she is thoroughly convinced of his infidelity, or has palpable proof in her hands.Otherwise it would be wiser to give him a benefit of doubt, because there are other factors which could misguide a wife into concluding that her partner is cheating on her.Here are some examples:--

* She lacks self esteem.
*She has an overactive imagination.
*She is jealous and possessive by nature.
*Her trust has been betrayed in past.
*She is highly emotional while he is practical and not demonstrative of his affection.
*He is smarter and more social than her.
*He is overburdened with work-cannot maintain a healthy work life balance.
*He has a serious problem at work or with his health, which make him inattentive to her needs.

The seeds of suspicion also stem from the rapid change which our society is witnessing today.More and more women are joining the workforce and there is greater inter-mingling of the sexes.Youth today are more convivial and less inhibited.This can lead to unwanted consequences and misunderstandings.The recent case of Sunanda illustrates the devastating consequences of adultery-whether real or imagined-upon a person's mental state.

Of course I do not deny that there is cheating in conjugal relationships-indeed it exists in ample measure-but this reality must not be allowed to play into the ordinary ups and downs of a couple's relationship.Not every man or woman is an adulterer or even a potential one, because a lot has to be sacrificed for the transitory pleasure derived from an illicit dalliance.

It is not the cheated wife alone who suffers.The adulterer too jeopardises his home,family and a harmonious life when he breaks his marriage vows.He is scared of being found out and left high and dry.Here I am not even talking of divorce,custody of children,alimony,division of property & belongings,breaking up with certain friends & relatives,change of residence and end of a comfortable life routine.

No,over and above all this there is the constant tension of hiding his subterfuge,dishing out one lie after another,thinking up of new excuses every day and the guilt of deceiving his wife--in short the burden of living a double life.Aren't there enough complications in life today without having to add to them?Such secrets do tumble out sooner rather than later and then the culprit's image is sullied irrevocably.Guilt and remorse also catch up somewhere down the lane and then it cannot be undone.

The complications are manifold.But why then do so many succumb to it?For men it is an ego boost or an attempt to test their sexual prowess while for women it is mostly a desire to find appreciation and tenderness,which might be missing in their married life.Underneath these reasons is the basic truth that the marriage rests on a shaky foundation.There may or may not be much acrimony in the relationship;but more important--the adulterer lacks commitment,morality and self control.This post describes the early signals which denote that the affections between a couple are waning.

Footnote:For my convenience i have written this piece from the perspective of a wife but she can easily be substituted by he because adultery is common in both sexes.Therefore spare me the brick-bats please!More to come in the next post.

Image from shutterstock.com