Forgiving--Whom,When and Why

Forgiving is often extolled as a balm for wounds inflicted by others' inconsiderate or aggressive behavior.It puts an end to a painful chapter so that we can focus on the here and now,without ghosts from the past distracting us.It initiates a healing process by virtue of which we regain our peace of mind,physical health and sleep.Our relationships and our life,slide back to normal.Yes,forgiveness can accomplish all that.

But there is no single size which fits all,because the offending behavior could range from crime,abuse,victimization,treachery and swindling to ridicule,humiliation,favoritism or plain neglect.The magnitude of offence certainly has a bearing upon whether it should be forgiven or punished.Holding grudges or mulling over offending behavior can cause anxiety and depression,but forgiving serious personal violations is also not conducive for one's peace of mind.So what is a person to do?Tough question--it is a catch 22 situation.

The decision to forgive or not, anchors upon many factors.Have a look:--

How severe is the offence ?

It goes without saying that crimes have to be reported to the concerned authorities,but what about abuse,which very often goes unreported?Especially physical,sexual and marital abuse?If a victim forgives the perpetrator in these cases then she exposes herself to further transgressions.  

How long back was it committed ?
If a wrong was committed a long time back and has not been repeated thence,then it certainly needs to be forgiven;because holding grudges for long periods only causes misery.It serves no purpose.Adult survivors of abuse often carry the scars for years,even decades;but by doing this they miss out on living life to the fullest.
Is the perpetrator out of your orbit?
If someone who hurt you terribly is no longer in your vicinity and is not likely to cross your path again,then that person should be forgotten and forgiven at the soonest.But if the culprit moves around in your circle then it would be a folly to forgive him--you have to make your displeasure known in no uncertain terms.
How is the perpetrator related to you ?
Some relationships cannot be terminated--however unkind or     insensitive that person might have been.Holding on to rancor against that person makes it difficult to function within that setup.There will always be an invisible wall between you two.This could be a parent,sibling,offspring,spouse,boss or a colleague.
Was the offence a one time occurrence or is it the norm ?
You can overlook a slight here, or an irritation there;but if someone is in the habit of belittling or domineering you at every possible opportunity then you have to stand up and say'this is enough,I shall have no more of it.'
Are you sure the affront was intentional and targeted at you ?
It is possible to misinterpret or take personally,a remark or gesture which was not meant that way at all--specially if you are in a vulnerable frame of mind.It is best to make sure before taking umbrage.

How To Forgive
Forgiving anyone is not easy.Even after you have decided to forgive,your heart may not support your decision and you will have to reinforce,convince yourself that this is the right thing to do.The following tips can help you along:---

• Let time elapse.It will bring down your emotions from a boiling point to a low simmer.
• Run through your mind a larger picture of the culprit's behavior and character, filtering out the act which stung you.Is he a nice person otherwise?Will you be safe after you forgive him?
• Make an allowance for human frailties--none of us is perfect.You or I too,might have hurt many,did they harbor animosity towards us?Let me share my own experience with you.This happened only last month.Quite a few years back I broke off with a friend because she said something malicious and false about a friend of hers with whom I was not even acquainted.Lodging myself on a high moral ground,I cut her off completely.Then last month I thought she was considerably older than me,I too had reached seventy;how much time did we both have?So I just walked over to her home.Her enthusiastic welcome and unalloyed smile gave me a lesson for life.It was as if I had never shut her out of my life,she had forgiven me totally.
• Go back to the episode which is smarting you and replay the whole sequence.Did you in any way instigate or annoy that person?Forgiving becomes easy if we too had a part to play in it.
• A lot of time and energy go into consolidating a relationship but it takes only a moment to destroy it.If you value this relationship then nurturing resentment is not going to keep it that way.It is true that this person has hurt you, but recollect the good times you had with him and the moments when he was there for you.Won't you be sorry when the warmth dwindles to zero degree temperature?
• Take a look at your mood these days-are you always pent-up,preoccupied and miserable?This will continue as long as you harbor resentment against the offender.Would you not like to go back to your old cheery self?This will happen only if you forgive that person.You should not suffer for someone else's misbehavior.

The decision to forgive or not is a very subjective one.Some people are very quick to take offence while some others forgive very easily.Definitely the latter are the happier lot.At the same time overlooking major violations against us, endangers our security and ruins our self worth.

For some people forgiving is not an option at all--they want revenge at any cost.This choice is full of land-mines.It puts all else on hold while the protagonist goes all out to take his revenge.Is it not possible to let the offender stew in his own juice and meet his own destiny?There is something like celestial justice after all!

As Gautam Buddha said"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else;you are the one who gets burned."